Odds and Ends
by leeleea
Summary: John Paul's thoughts about his relationship with Ste. Takes place in the future. Ste and John Paul are no longer split up and are living together, but all is not well. New character Mark Kent. Rated T for harsh language and depictions of of domestic abuse.
1. For Better or For Worse

I checked my phone for new messages for the 30th time. Still the same no texts from Ste. His silence was strange .Normally he was constantly calling or texting me checking in on my whereabouts. He hated that I visited Odds & Ends because he thought I fancied shop owner Mark , Ste gave me trouble when he knew I was going to his shop, but today he had let me go without a word.

The silence frightened me. I forced myself to think he was trying to make it up to me and give me a little space. I hoped that was the case, but I had seen a flash of anger in his eyes when I flinched this morning. He had reached out to hug me goodbye as I left to drop Matthew at my mum's, and I had flinched. He looked hurt and offended , and I was quick to apologize and I allowed him to hug and kiss me, but I had flinched and I doubt Ste would forget that. The truth is I never know when he is reaching out to hold me or to hurt me.

Things have been a disaster since we got back together. We weren't split up for long. Our separation was over by summer's end. Ste had begged my forgiveness and pleaded with me to take him back. He promised things would change. It was to go Me and him, the kids second and everyone else last. He was no longer living with Sinead. Ste still spent time with baby Hannah when he wished, but Sinead had moved on to a new love and was no longer interested in Ste. I still loved him and chose to believe him, so I took him back eager to start over.

Things were splendid for a few months. I couldn't have asked for a better husband, and I was excited to have the marriage I had dreamed of. Then things changed. I'm still not certain exactly when or why.

It was little ways at first. Ste would tease me about my "big words and my books" not long after he started to pull away from me . He always had excuses for why we couldn't spend time together, and his " I love yous" became fewer until he didn't say it at all not even in response to me.

I knew he was under stress the restaurant business was slow at the moment, Amy was seeking a new custody arrangement for Leah and Lucas, and there was of course the never-ending drama with his sisters and my family. Not wanting to go back to the way things had been before our separation I figured we just needed some time alone to reconnect as a couple, so I arranged a sitter for Matthew and planned a quiet evening for us. The next morning, on our way to gather Matthew from the sitter's I made the mistake of taking Ste to Odds & Ends.

I had discovered the shop when we were broken up, and for some reason I'd thought he would find the place as charming as I did. I was wrong. He didn't notice the collection of 18th century lamps, restored clocks, ancient maps, copies of books with dusty pages you could smell, 19th century furniture, original band albums,watches or classic toys. I had even pointed out to him a rare Troll doll, but he ignored me only focusing on Mark. When we left I got an earful. He demanded to know how I knew Mark. Asked if I had slept with him. My denials to his charges weren't good enough. He ended our discussion with telling me I was foolish to fancy him it's not like a bloke like Mark would ever be interested in a slob like me.

That's how it went for us, in addition to insulting my speech and my hobbies Ste added insults about my body and my style. It was my fault he didn't want to get close to me. I was boring and disgusting. I was the reason he had to carry on with others.

No matter what I tried I only managed to annoy him further. I don't clearly remember the first time Ste hit me. I know we were fighting. It was our first proper row since being back together. I'm not one for confrontation, but I thought we needed to get everything out in the open and sorted.I don't recall what I said, but I remember the sound of his hand connecting with my face , and how bright my blood was. He cried and apologized, begged me to forgive him, and promised to never hurt me again, and in my state of shock I forgave him and allowed him to look after me.

For a time things were good again, Ste was the perfect husband, and just as I started to forget what he had done he turned again. I did my best to keep him happy , and he did his best to remind me how repulsive he thought I was, andhis words were not enough he made sure I had the bruises to remind me as well.

He was clever enough to make certain any mark he left on me would be well hidden from questioning eyes. Rarely did I have to explain the odd bruise , and when I did a story of tripping on a kid's toy or bumping into a table top was enough explanation and those asking would have a laugh over how clumsy I was.

I should have left him then. I don't know why I didn't. I suppose I still saw the good in him, and he wasn't always terrible to me. He could be sweet and romantic for weeks at a time. In fact only a month earlier he had planned a night out for us a splendid meal followed by an evening at the theatre. Ste's not one for Shakespeare so the fact that he sat through hours of it because he knew I was a fan surely meant he still cared for me. He promised to take me to Venice next spring at the end of the night.

Things had been good for us until a couple of weeks ago. I made a suggestion on what Ste could do for baby Hannah and that maybe he was being too tough on Leah. I guess he took it the wrong way because after the kids left the next day he had it out with me. Accused me of thinking I was the better father and undermining him. I tried defending myself to him and he lashed out again determined to have a row with me. I did my best to calm him down after all Matthew was watching us. However he didn't calm down. That was the first time he hit me in front of one of the children. Matthew had started screaming out of fear, and I gathered him up and left. I didn't know where I was going . I just knew we couldn't stay in the flat. I didn't notice how far we had walked, only when I hear Mark's voice call out to me did I realize we were in front of Odds & Ends . I quickened my pace. I didn't want Mark to see me in my current state, and I hoped he would think I hadn't heard him calling to me and leave me be. My plan failed as Mark had jogged to catch up to me. "Trying to ignore me eh mate?" he had teased out of breath before telling me he had managed to find a book I had asked about earlier. The book was a rare edition of traditional French recipes and was meant to be a surprise gift for Ste. He was excited to share the news of his find, but I was in no mood to chat. I feigned what I thought to be the appropriate level of excitement and gratitude, but he must have seen through , because he stopped mid sentence and looked at me closely.

"Are you alright John Paul? Is something the matter?"

"I'm fine. Just in a hurry I am supposed to be meeting my husband." I had lied to him.

" Are you sure? Because you look completely shatter-"

I cut him off and forced a smile on my face and made up an excuse about being up all night with Matthew, fatherhood and needing sleep and laughed hoping he would believe me. I didn't stand around to see if he did believe me.

"The book!" he called after me. I had told him I'd come by in the evening for the book.

Matthew and I walked for a bit I told him stories to stop his crying, but he was still frightened so we walked further to the pond,and as I hoped watching the ducks distracted him and he settled down completely. as Matthew watched the ducks I did my best to keep him from seeing the tears in my eyes.

I thought of going to my Nana, but the thought of going back to my childhood home and telling everyone of my troubles with Ste after I had defended my relationship against their criticism was embarrassing.

I never went to get the book, in fact I completely forgot about the book.

Instead I went home to Ste who was apologetic. I told him things had to change and he agreed. He promised to attend counseling with me, and swore to call for a session in the morning. He took Matthew and got him ready for bed and drew a bath for me. I was certain he loved me and my son he just needed help working through his anger, and I was willing to make it work. I still loved him it was worth a try. I had to try Ste had stood by me during one of the worst years of my life, and what he was going through now... he needed me. Ste was mostly good to me or at least he meant to be, and none of us are perfect, and always do what we mean to do. He tried his best, and it's not like I am the perfect man or husband. I have plenty of faults and I am certain I am not the easiest to live with.

That was why I chose to stay. I won't say things were good, but they were quiet. I did my best not to trouble Ste to keep him from kicking off and lashing out at me, and Ste was more patient with me I was annoying him less and that was good.

It was weeks before I thought of Mark and the book again, until Ste and I were outside his shop weeks later. We had been quarreling . Silly married stuff really I wanted a night in Ste had been keeping late nights at work, and I asked if he could have someone cover for him just for the evening, and he had accused me of not being supportive. As we rounded the corner we ran into Sinead and her new beau who invited us to tea. I started to decline on our behalf still hoping for a night in, but Ste interrupted promising our attendance, and ended by saying that of course I always had room for food. I chose to ignore the insult and instead asked if we could stay in the following evening. Before he could reply Mark popped out of his store.

"There he is the disappearing man. I thought I'd never lay eyes on you again. Stay here I'll bring it out to you now."

Ste's eyes had blazed with anger. He turned to me and said " Is that why you wanted me home tonight? Feeling guilty about carrying on with your boyfriend while I work late hours to provide for us."

"It's not like that." I said weakly.

"What's it like then? Do you read your fancy books together before you get to snogging?"

"Can we not do this here? Please. You Know you're the only one I care about. The only one I love." At that moment Mark had returned from inside the shop and handed me the book.

"Tell me something do you give all your patrons gifts or is it just my husband?" Ste had asked Mark.

"Pardon?"

"It's for you Ste. I asked him to find it for you." I had said as I handed the recipe book to him. He barely glanced at it before handing it back to Mark saying " You wasted your time I've got all that I want. John Paul must have forgotten. That's the thing about my husband , he had emphasized the my by putting his arm around me and I had flinched at his touch Mark had noticed, and I silently hoped Ste had not, I love him but he's very forgetful."

He then pulled us away and we kept walking. I hadn't dared to look back to mouth a thank you. In the 5 minutes it took us to reach home I had accepted the blame for the fight, for embarrassing him and insulting him and had apologized repeatedly to Ste, and I had tried to convince him I had only meant it as a present to show him that I cared and that I believed in him. We ended up canceling our plans with Sinead that night on account of me not feeling well.

A few days passed before I next saw Mark. I happened to be walking Matthew to the playground when I ran into him. He waved to me and crossed the street to speak to me. As he spoke I made sure to pull the sleeve of my hoodie down to cover the marks on my wrist. The day was warm and I didn't need the hoodie, but he didn't mention that or comment on the awkward way I was standing. Instead he told me he was on his way to sort through a load of classic books he had just purchased on ebay. I thanked him for the book and all his troubles and apologized for Ste's outburst days before, and wished him well in his book sorting. He was gracious about everything. He even offered to hold the book for me in case Ste changed his mind. Just as we were about to part Matthew tossed his cup and toy duck , his cup landed in the water and I without thinking quickly bent to retrieve it , and in doing so my shirt came up in the back revealing layers of black and blue marks and welts on my lower back. I could feel Mark's eyes on me as I straightened my self up. I avoided his gaze and felt my cheeks turning red. I quickly stuffed the cup into my bag and started off.

"John Paul!" Mark had called to me. I turned to him " You forgot something." He had said and handed the duck to Matthew.

"Thank you I said, it would have been a nightmare getting him to sleep tonight without it,"

"Glad I could help then I wouldn't want this little cutie having a hard time," he had said bending down to pat Matthew gently on the head."

"Well thanks again for everything the duck the book-."

"No problem. I'm happy to help out my best customer. With book tracking, duck rescue, or even just a chat I'm always available."

"I should be going." I had said a quickly moved on. I could feel his eyes watching us walk away, but I didn't turn back.

I wanted to turn back to tell him everything but I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone. I was so ashamed. I had thought that after everything that happened with Finn, I would never be bullied into silence again, but I didn't want anyone to know about how things really were going with Ste. I didn't need more people thinking of me as weak or taking pity on me. No one could help anyway. All they would do is tell me to leave him again. Where would that leave me? Another failed relationship. Ste was my best chance at love and a lasting relationship. I was nearly 30 with so much baggage who else would want me?

My buzzing phone dragged me from my thoughts. It wasn't Ste, but instead a reminder I needed to finish writing exams for my class.

Ste's silence terrified me things had been good since the last incident, but he liked to play games with me. Games I didn't know how to win, and I still wasn't certain if when I returned tonight he would be happy to see me waiting with tea and flowers or if he would be ready to fight. Would he be home at all? I thought of calling him, but he hated when I did that. He said I was smothering him. The last weeks I had managed not to upset him, and I had already offended him this morning by flinching. I wasn't going to chance an unwanted phone call to him.

How did we get here? How did I end up fearing my husband? The thought of leaving him briefly entered my mind quickly followed by the question "Who else would want you?" I knew the answer to that. No one. I had never been the one that any man had truly wanted. The thought of someone stable and sure of himself loving me and wanting only me was the stuff of fantasy in my mind. Mark briefly entered my thoughts. If I am honest I had thought of him more than I should lately. I would never cheat on Ste, but there was something about the dark-haired and dark-eyed shopkeeper that forced him into my thoughts.

His shop had been my haven the last few months. I would go there to clear my mind, sometimes I'd browsed the seemingly endless shelves and aisles, sometimes I sat on the couch and read from the ancient volumes, and sometimes I just watched him work. Mark was fascinating to watch in his element the way he worked to gently repair worn and broken items and made sure they were lovingly displayed in his store , and sold to new owners that would cherish them was an art form.

He didn't seem to mind my company I had apologized enough, but he always said I ( and Matthew when he was with me ) where never a bother. He had great anecdotes of the exciting life he had led traveling the globe. He was an animated storyteller and comedian, and he was kind enough to listen stories of my boring life and act interested in the little I shared with him.

The thought suddenly entered my mind wondering what it would be like to go home to Mark each night, and I immediately felt guilty. I was a married man and I would never cheat on Ste, but even if I were single someone like Mark would never want someone like me. Ste's words came back to me "disgusting." "pathetic." "boring" I winced at the memories those words brought to mind. Painful, but true, and I needed to stop dreaming, and worry about my marriage, and it was getting late I needed to get Matthew. My mum had begged to take him for the day, but I was certain after several hours with the toddler she'd be ready to return him to me, and I missed him.

I got to my feet, and grabbed my bag.

"You leaving us then?" Mark called to me.

"Yea. I need to get Matthew and catch up with Ste my husband."

"I thought you'd never leave. I was beginning to wonder if you had become a part of that sofa. Mark teased me.

" Sorry I hope I wasn't in your way,"

"Yea you sitting silently lost in your thoughts for 2 hours was a real distraction to my work."

" Sorry I didn't mean to be rude."

"Mate, I'm only having a laugh."

" Still I hope I'm not causing you any trouble-

Looking me right in the eye he placed a hand on my shoulder and said

" John Paul you are anything but trouble."


	2. A Partner in Parenthood

I had exactly 10 minutes remaining of my lunch, I shoved the remainder of my cheese and onion pasty in mouth in a hurry to finish so I could call the nursery and check in on Matthew. Ste had been packing a lunch for me. I didn't mind him doing this as recently this was the only evidence I had he actually cared for me, and it did allow me time to stay on top of my work which allowed me more time in the evenings. However, today I wanted something other than the spinach salad and apple slices he had packed for me. The pasty was fantastic, but I now had less time to check in on Matthew. Normally, I had more time to check in on him as I typically ate my lunch at school. Ste liked to tease me about that saying I hovered just a bit too much. As I shoved the last bit of the pasty into my mouth I had the strange feeling I was being watched, and I was right I looked up to see Mark walking towards me. As he approached I automatically covered my mouth with my hand. How had he spotted me? I had become extremely self conscious out eating in front of others, and I wanted to decrease the likelihood I'd run into a chatty villager,so I had been sure to find a space away from the lunch crowd.

"I haven't seen you in weeks mate! I thought you moved away." Mark said as he arrived at my table."

"I've been busy. Haven't had much time to myself of late."

"Busy is it? Here I was thinking you were avoiding me."

There was a slight look of horror on my face. The truth was I had been avoiding him. Yes I was busy, but not so busy that I couldn't have found time to pop into the shop had I wanted . There was something about the way Mark had looked into my eyes as I was leaving his shop that unnerved me. It isn't that I didn't trust him. I didn't trust myself. I don't mean that I would be unfaithful, but a friendship with Mark would be difficult. Then there was Ste who could be described best as unpredictable. I both loved and hated that about him. He was spontaneous and acted on pure emotion which was at times fantastic and led to the creation of wonderful memories, and other times...well...I'd rather forget those times. I never knew the Ste I was going to get, for example, the last time I was at Mark's shop and Ste had ignored me the entire day, and I went home terrified expecting him to lash out, but he hadn't in fact that evening with him had been one of the most pleasant ones in recent memory. Since that day things with Ste had been wonderful. He hadn't shouted at or gotten physical with me in weeks, he was even kinder in the way he addressed me. He still avoided touching me, and in the last 3 days had probably spoken a total of 15 words to me, but we weren't fighting, and he was home more. Things were okay, and though he hadn't forbidden it I felt a friendship with Mark and trips to his shop were things he did not approve of. I had gotten off easy last time, and I wasn't willing to play the odds. Marriage is sacrifice after all. At least that's what I've been told.

Mark was waving his hand in my face. "Hello in there. I was only teasing you. I know you are busy I always see you scurrying around town like mad." He was laughing now as he mimicked my walk. His teasing didn't upset me ,but I didn't want to let down my guard with him.

"I've got a lot on my plate, kids, work, husband. We can't all spend our days fixing clocks," As soon as I said the words I regretted them.

"I didn't mean-"

He waved me off " What's good to eat here?"

"Anything really."

Pointing to my mouth he said" Whatever you had looks good. What was it?"

Self conscious again I wiped at my mouth and tried not to turn red.

" Onion." I said.

"That's an odd lunch, but if you like it I love it."

"Cheese and onion pasties." I completed my thought.

"Great. How many do you think the two of us can down?"

"I've got to go." I said awkwardly grabbing up my bag.

"Busy?"

"Yea."

" It's fine we'll chat another time then. If I can catch you."

"Yea." I said even quieter this time. Knowing I had no intention of doing anything but avoiding him, as much as I wanted to chat with him.

Mark lowered his tone and made sure to meet my gaze before saying "It was nice seeing you. I'm glad to know you're well."

"I've got to go." Lifting my bag to my shoulder I walked out, After walking a few paces I stopped to phone Matthew's nursery, and as always he was doing well. As I made my way back to work I felt I was being watched, but when I looked behind me I spotted no one.

* * *

My workday drew to a close, and as I made my way from the building I stopped to chat with a few of the staff and students that remained.

" Have a lovely weekend!" Siobhan the new assistant called out to me.

"You as well ! Enjoy the lake!" I called back with a wave.

"Who is she?" A familiar voice asked. I looked up from my phone .

"Ste! What are you doing here?" I asked confused.

" I can't walk my husband home?"

"Of course you can. I just wasn't expecting you."

" Well if you checked your phone you might have known."

I looked through my messages again and sure enough there was one from Ste.

" Sorry I must have missed it this phone-

" You kept me waiting you know."

"I'm sorry I got asked to cover detention last minute. If I had known you were coming I wouldn't have agreed to it."

"You still haven't told me your friend's name."

"My friend? Oh Siobhan you mean. She's the new assistant. Nice girl .She's going to spend the weekend at the lake with her husband . The same spot we had our holiday last year, and I told her all about it and suggested some spots they might like."

" Have you met this husband?"

Sensing the tension I shook my head "no" and paused before saying" She talks about him all the time I know he's a travel writer. I think he's done a few articles for an international cuisine mag . They seem very happy together, and they also married last Christmas,and they both love to travel they've been to California, Antarctica, Brazil, Namibia , Kenya, Japan,Thailand, so many places... I was actually thinking of them having over some time sort of a couples thingy."

I scanned Ste's face to see if I could read his thoughts on the dinner party idea. He wasn't giving anything away. " It doesn't just have to be them we could invite-"

" I think all these late hours at school have made you a bit loopy." He said and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

The kiss stunned me it had been some time since he had initiated any contact with me.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting. "

"It's okay I didn't mind . I'd wait an eternity for you." He paused kissed me again a little longer this time. " I just don't want them taking advantage of your good nature and getting you burnt out."

"I'm ok." I told him.

"I know. I just worry. I'm your husband it's my job. Part of the vows." He joked.

"I can turn them down next time they ask. Would you rather I did that?"

" I'd rather you stay home."

"Stay home? Quit my job you mean?"

"Why not?"

"Because I love what I do and what would I do all day at home?"

"I don't know stay home and take care of the babies?"

"Matthew is at nursery all day."

"I meant _our_ babies. Yours and mine. I've been thinking about the possibility lately."

"Babies! I don't think I'm the loopy one. Hannah's not even a year and Matthew still gets up 3 out of 7 nights during the week and you're thinking of babies!" I was incredulous and Ste smiled at my dose of reality.

"Well, you could work on that great British novel you've been planning." He took my hand as we crossed the street. Ste's sudden desire to be affectionate towards me was throwing me off, but was a welcome change from his usual indifference. I didn't bother to look and see if anyone was watching us he usually only cared for PDA in front of our friends and family. Truthfully I didn't care, it was something I wanted badly, and since he didn't care for me to initiate contact with him I was happy to receive it in any manner it came.

I intertwined my fingers with his and rested my head on his shoulder before hypothetically agreeing with him to quit my job as an English teacher to write a novel.

"And, I could meet you and Mark for lunch." He continued.

I quickly looked up. He knew. He had seen me with Mark. This is why he was being so kind.

"It wasn't-it just happened- I just went for a pasty-I was tired of salad-and he-" I went pale and stumbled over my words attempting to explain.

He stopped me with a finger to my lips. "John Paul. I don't mind. I'm not upset. You can have as many pasties and as many friends as you like, as long as I'm the only one kissing you," He said before kissing me again " And maybe if you can find time in your busy schedule to have lunch with me a few times a week I can do without more babies too" He smiled at me. That lovely impish smile of his with his blue eyes sparkling. He wasn't angry and I relaxed again.

"I didn't mean that babies are off the table forever, just not now, and I may even be willing to play stay at home daddy in the future."

" That's good because you make gorgeous babies and it would be a pity for you to stop at one. "

"Of course I'd have to find the right husband first, and travel the world a bit" I said mischievously.

He chuckled and smiled "Get here." He murmured softly before pulling me closer to him and kissing me once more as we crossed into the yard of Matthew's nursery.

* * *

Sunday I awoke to the smell of eggs, pancakes and sausage, and the sounds of laughter and music playing. I noticed the time, it was half past 9 I was late waking so I hurried through my routine and went to join everyone downstairs.

Ste was racing about the kitchen simultaneously preparing food, feeding, and serving children and singing and dancing along to One Direction Leah's favorite. The scene was complete chaos. But beautiful. This was family. This is what I had dreamed of for myself and for Matthew.

"You should have got me up to give you a hand."

"Why I've got it. Besides you deserve a lie in after last night."he said kissing me.

Saturday had been absolute madness. Amy had dropped Leah and Lucas off early in the day, and we had lunch with the other McQueens before taking all the kids on a brief boat tour. When we returned Sinead dropped Hannah off for the evening we made homemade pizza and after played with the kids, the favorite activities of the evening were: a dance battle with Leah winning, a pillow fight of kids against dads which ended with Lucas flying from sofa to table top in an impressive impression of Superman, Leah painting everyone's nails, Lucas teaching Matthew how to belch, and everyone doing their best to get Hannah to laugh the loudest , and chasing each other. Hannah and Matthew started to tire so we gathered the kids up onto the sofa and told them a story. Leah asked that I tell her one " from my mouth" so I made one up along with Leah with some input from Lucas ,Matthew, and Ste about dragons, knights, princesses, monkeys, alligators, and a talking cabbage from the planet Guk ( credit to Hannah) the kids loved it and by the time the story was finished Hannah was asleep in my arms. Leah and Lucas had crawled into the tent we had set up for them, and Ste had bent to scoop up Matthew who we thought was asleep to carry him to bed. However as soon as he touched him his little eyes popped open his squeaky voice saying " No. Daddy sing." Ste sat down and Matthew curled against him eyes closed again and yawning. " Sing summer." His sleepily commanded. Lucas and Leah peered out of the tent. Slightly embarrassed I sang "Summer" which is what Matthew called Kodaline's The One. It's a strange lullaby but it worked.

"J. P. I didn't know you could sing!" Ste exclaimed

I shrugged " He's always liked a song before bed ."

"Well , you were amazing." He said kissing my cheek. Leah and Lucas had clapped. Leah saying "Thumbs up Daddy J" followed closely by "Can we watch our movie now?"so we started the film for them, and both kids fell asleep within 15 minutes of it being turned on.

So Ste and I had sat in the dark for a time watching sleeping kids. We were silent for along period before, Ste spoke

"You're a great dad." He said

"You're a great dad too-"

"I'm an okay dad you are a fantastic one."

He then shifted Matthew to his other arm and reached for my hand folding mine in his,

Thank you." He said.

"For?"

"For this. For everything. This last year or so I couldn't have made it without you. For this right here. Yours , mine, ours it's what I've always dreamed of. You are everything I've always dreamed of, and I know I'm not always great at letting you know, and I'm sorry for that but I'm so lucky to have you in my life and I know I haven't been the greatest husband to you. I'm so happy you took me back, and I should tell you that every day , and I'm sorry that I haven't

" Ste - it's okay I don't expect you to-"

" And I promise to make this work whatever it takes because, you and these 4 rugrats are the most important things in my life. You all are my world- - and I love you so very much John Paul McQueen."

"I love you too Mr. McQueen."

He leaned carefully over and kissed me, Kissed me in a way he hadn't in a long time.

"What do you say we get these babies into bed then."

This is why I had stayed with him even when things were tough. I knew he wanted the same things I did. A home and a family. I wanted Matthew to grow up with the family I never had. I love my mum, nana, and sisters. I swear that I do and I have great memories of them, but it wasn't easy growing up with a string of different "daddies" who never stayed around for long, my own father had left me and never looked back. I had often wondered why I wasn't good enough for him to stay or to at least visit me. Ste understood that probably more than anyone else I had been with and I know how much he wanted to be a great dad for his kids. He had his faults, but he was working on them, and things had improved.

I was startled from my memories of last night with eggs thrown by Hannah hitting my cheek and the rest of the kids roaring in laughter.

Ste handed me a napkin and said " I was thinking we get this lot cleaned up and head to the park before it's time for moms to pick up."

I nodded in agreement "Sounds like a plan."

The walk to the park was a nice, the weather warm and sunny, and the kids happy. As we walked I took Ste's hand in my own. Given his recent behavior I didn't think he would mind me initiating the contact, and he didn't he responded by folding my hand in his and squeezing back lightly in an affectionate manner. The children ran about for a bit, and tried various equipment, before joining another family at the pond to play with wind up boats.

We sat on a bench across from the pond watching the children, Hannah was sitting at our feet looking intently at a bird and rolling a ball.

"I say 6 months." Ste proclaimed.

"Hmm?"

" 6 months and we start in on baby McQueen."

"Oh that again."

"Yes that again. I want a baby with you."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." He said leaning over to kiss my cheek. "One with your eyes, nose, and mouth." He said kissing each part as he named it.

"Stephen!" I said slightly embarrassed.

"What you're gorgeous, and a mini you or 2 would be adorable."

"So it's 2 now?"

"I figure why not make it an even 6."

I laughed while stopping Hannah from eating a caterpillar and Matthew started crying , and Leah and Lucas pointed at each other each saying " It wasn't me."

" And you want to add to this?"

"The more the merrier!"

That evening was much quieter with 3 fewer children running about. after getting Matthew to bed, Ste and I headed to our bedroom.

We talked for awhile about the kids, and plans for the future which led to kissing, which led to Ste's hands wandering down my frame, and tracing his way upwards kissing as he went. This was the first time in a long time in , months actually, that Ste had wanted to get close to me.

" You are so hot." He murmured against my mouth." And before I could respond Matthew let out a cry.

"Right on cue." Ste grumbled as he rolled to his side. "Sorry." I mouthed as I reached for my robe.

"Not as sorry as I am."

"I'll be quick."

Matthew was getting better, but he had a harder time with nights after his siblings visits. He was still too young to understand why he couldn't have his brother and sisters every night and I think the change in routine upset him He normally settled pretty easily, but the normal 10 minutes took 30.

When I returned to our bedroom Ste was playing a game. "Took a bit longer than expected."

" No matter." He said tossing aside the game " Come here."He pushed aside my robe and pulled me down and towards him in a deep kiss, and as he did Matthew woke again. I was gone an hour this time, and this time when I came back Ste was sleeping. I got up with Matthew twice more that night before finally bringing him in to sleep in our bed which he did soundly snoring against my chest. I was able to carry him back to his room where he stayed the rest of the night.

* * *

Ste woke me up early kissing me. I was exhausted and not entirely in the mood, and would rather get more sleep in before having to start my day, but I felt badly about us being interrupted the night before, and felt I owed to Ste to finish what we had started so I opened my eyes and turned into him, and just as I did Matthew was up and screaming. Ste didn't budge he kept on kissing me.

"Ste." I said softly. No response.

"Matthew." I tried again and started to sit up. Ste stopped kissing me, but he didn't move in fact he was pinning me against our bed saying not a single word. He didn't appear angry. In fact , I almost could detect a faint smile as he squeezed my arms tighter.

"Ste ." I said again as Matthew screamed louder and he finally let me up, and I went to my son.

An hour later, Ste came down the stairs to find Matthew and I on the sofa

"Shouldn't you two be dressed by now. You're going to be late."

" I'm calling in."

" Is he ill?"

"No. I think he just misses the kids-"

"I would think being around the kids at nursery would help with that." He interrupted

"And - he was up All night. He had me up all night as well. We're exhausted-"

"That he did." Ste said under his breath.

"We could both use a sickie." I finished.

"Okay then . Enjoy your day. He kissed us both and tousling Matthew's hair he said "Feel better little mate."

To me he said " I'll check in on you two later. Make sure. You have your phone with you."

I nodded and said " I love you."

He raised his eyebrows in a manner I could not interpret and left.

After breakfast, Matthew spent most of the morning catching up on the rest he missed the night before I marked papers before following his lead and napping myself.. When he woke around noon I decided we would go out to lunch and surprise Ste.

I couldn't tell if Ste was happy to see us or not, but he ate with us and was pleasant enough even got Matthew to laugh. He only complained once when I allowed Matthew to sit in my lap, and that was only to say that I was spoiling him.

As I left , he pulled me in for a kiss, and as he did I winced a little bit as my arms were still sore from when he had pinned me this morning. I had wanted to confront him about that, but decided against it figuring it was a one off and knowing Ste , he had probably meant it as a joke, he had a weird sense of humor at times.

After leaving we walked down to the pond so Matthew could watch the ducks for a bit, and on our way home he stopped in front of the display window of Odds and Ends where there were boats similar to the ones he had played with at the park the previous Sunday. He pointed to them in glee and turned to me and said" Let's go daddy." "Want to see boats"

"We haven't got time Matty."

"Boats!" He looked up at me with big eyes and added" Please."

"Just a few minutes."

So in we went , and I was happy to see Mark wasn't around only his assistant Adele was in the shop.

We left after a few minutes,after I had purchased 2 small boats and a kite. We made our way home, and played out in the garden , and it was hours before I realized my phone was missing, and I knew exactly where it was. I remembered last checking it before purchasing the boats.

"Matthew how would you like to go look at the boats again with daddy?" His face lit up "Yes! Yes!" He cheered happily. I grabbed our coats hoping to be there and back home quickly, hoping not to run into Mark, and hoping Ste had not tried to contact me.

I opened the door and was face to face with Ste.

He brushed by me into our home visibly angry slamming the door closed behind him. He waved my phone in my face.

"Missing something?" He hissed.

"I was just going to look for that. I must have dropped it on our way back from lunch and the pond." I said.

"Oh yea , you did drop it. Right at the counter of Mark's store."He told me to tell you hello by the way."

Ste's eyes were blazing now. " How stupid can you be? You must think I'm a total moron." His voice was getting louder

"We went to feed the ducks after lunch, Matty saw the boats on the way back and he wanted to see them-." My words left my mouth quickly hoping to calm him.

"And you were more than happy to oblige him I'm sure." He said slamming my phone down on the table top.

"Take a sickie you said." He spat the words out between clenched teeth and started towards me.

"Ste , Matthew's -" My voice quivered and I could feel a knot forming in my chest.


	3. Respect You & Cherish You

"Matthew is watching." I repeated myself forcing my voice to sound strong.

My son stood beside me his short arms around my knee looking up at Ste and I with his eyes wide.

In a quick motion Ste bent down towards him, and I instinctively drew Matthew closer to me in a protective motion.

Ste handed Matthew his duck blanket that he had discarded while watching us.

"Here ya go love, don't want Duck Duck getting dirty do we." He said giving him a kiss.

Matthew gave him a big smile and said " Tanks."

He stood up and placed his arms around me, almost as if he were going to hug me, and said to me"Do you actually think I would hurt our son?"

My mouth was dry and I couldn't form words to answer him. He leaned in closer and asked almost in a whisper " Well? Do you?" He lifted my chin forcing me to look at him.

I shook my head slightly to indicate that I didn't and the word "no" slowly came out of my mouth.

"Are you sure?" He asked putting his arms on my shoulders and tilting his head slightly as if he was concerned.

" Of course." I said. " You would never."

" That's right." He said smiling slowly kissing my cheek before heading to the door.

" Be back later." He called behind him with no explanation of where he was going.

" Will you be home for dinner?"

He turned his head to look at me " Guess you'll have to wait and find out, but I'd check my phone if I were you."

The door closed and I released a huge breath, Matthew, who was now busy playing , looked over at me quizzically and asked " Daddy?"

" Daddy's okay baby. " "Daddy's just fine." I said as I went over to him and bent down. Grabbing one of his trains I asked " Where does this train go?"

* * *

Ste hadn't come home for dinner, and he hadn't tried to contact me I checked my phone every 5 minutes to be certain, so I got Matthew ready for bed on my own. After an hour and a half of fighting with him to go to sleep he finally fell asleep in my arms, and I was once again lost in my thoughts. Just days ago Ste had told me I meant everything to him and we were making plans for the future, and I had been thinking of starting the process for him to adopt Matthew. And now? Now I was uncertain of it all again. I loved Ste possibly more than I loved any other before him and he had proven himself to me,but I couldn't understand his rage or his sudden outbursts. I knew his history, but even knowing that didn't offer much insight. I mean he had got counseling for his troubles. I was starting to wonder if I was the problem if I was preventing him from overcoming whatever demons he had. I simply didn't know. Matthew turned against my chest and started to snore softly.I brushed his curls softly with my hand they were still damp from his bath. I wanted so badly for him to have a stable two parent home, and I was failing at achieving that. I silently promised myself to do better, and figure out whatever it was Ste needed from me.

Ste didn't get in until after midnight. I could smell the alcohol on him as he walked further into our home, He seemed surprised to see me awake.

"Waiting up for me." He whispered against my ear and attempted to kiss me. The stench of alcohol was overpowering and I turned my head to avoid it.

"That's how it is then? " I can't get a proper greeting from my husband."

" Seems like you had a nice night." I said sarcastically.

" Listen to you. You sound like a scared little girl."

" I was worried about you. I hadn't heard from you."

" I went out for a little drink with the boys after work." "Trying to relax after a hard day. I didn't think I needed to check in with my keeper."

" You aren't supposed to be drinking at all."

" God you're doing my head in! It was one damn drink!"

"Exactly."

"Good god ! Do you always have to be such a bloody goodie goodie.!" He slammed his phone down emphasizing his words and Matthew stirred in his sleep.

" Could you not wake him!"

" Oh no we wouldn't want that. He only does it 500 times a night! Tell me what other rules of yours am I breaking?" I stood up then to go upstairs.

"Goodnight. Ste I'll see you in the morning."

Matthew transitioned into bed easily and I set up reading my copy of _It's What I Do_ , by Lindsey Addario. Ste came in about an hour later.

"Whoa. I almost didn't recognize you without your baby hanging off you."

I knew he was goading me into an argument, but I responded to him anyway.

" I thought he was our baby, and what is that supposed to mean?"

" I'm just saying it's good he's getting some use out of that bed with all the money you spent on it."

"What am I supposed to do Ste? Leave him crying?"

" I'm just thinking it will be nice to get to sleep without a little toe in my ear."

" You know with all your complaining you would think you are the one getting up at night."

" Leah and Lucas were sleeping through the night by 2 and Hannah's on her way-"

I wanted to tell him I suspected that had more to do with luck and maybe Amy and Sinead than anything of his doing, but instead I said

" All kids are different Ste. All the books say it takes longer for some than others."

" A lot longer for some." He accused.

"Excuse me?"

" You and your books if it's not in a book-" he was pointing at me

Putting my hands to my face I drew in a deep breath.

"Ste. I don't want to do this tonight. Okay? You're drunk and I'm exhausted, so let's just leave it, and get some sleep. I don't want to argue. Please. Let's just go to bed." surprisingly he agreed with me and came to bed .Matthew was up twice. The second time I stayed in his room.

* * *

Morning came too quickly, and I had to force myself to wake and shower.

When I returned from the shower Ste greeted me with a deep kiss while walking us backward and pushing me gently down on to our bed. I hadn't forgotten what had occurred the night before, but clearly he had. " I don't have time for this. " I said in between his kisses. I pushed him slightly and he sat up. " Of course you don't" he said with a huff.

" You act like I don't have work to go to or a kid to get ready for nursery." Ste rolled his eyes at me.

" Oh believe me I didn't forget the kid."

" You're unbelievable.!" I said sitting up and heading for the door.

"What's unbelievable is my husband seems to keep finding every excuse in the book to keep from being with me. It's like you don't even love me anymore."

I opened the door and walked out without responding to him. It was too early in the morning to deal with Ste's roller coaster emotions..

When I came downstairs with Matthew, Ste was at the table drinking his coffee, as I moved to get Matthew in his seat he brushed past me on his way to the sink bumping me into me I'm not entirely certain he didn't do it on purpose. Intentional or not I ended up spilling Mathew's juice and getting jam from this toast on my shirt.

" Fantastic." I said.

"Sorry 'bout that"

"Whatever. Can you give him his breakfast." I said to Ste and went back upstairs to change. When I returned Ste had Matthew fed, cleaned up and ready for nursery. He handed him to me along with a scone and my mug.

" You two better be off. You don't want to be late" He said kissing each of us.

To me he added " Meet you for lunch. That is if it's fine by you?"

" Yes of course. I'll see you then." I answered slowly and slightly suspicious at his mood change.

"Good I'll text you."

* * *

My lunch period came and as promised Ste was waiting for me. I greeted him with a kiss and he kissed me back, and pinched my bottom.

"Ste I'm at work."

"Sorry I couldn't resist." He said kissing me again.

We sat outside the diner with our lunches. He told me about his morning, and I told him about mine.

" I don't know how you do it? Keep up with everything he said."

" I love what I do."

" And you're amazing at it."

" I don't know about that."

" You are and I hope they appreciate you."

He moved closer to me and kissed me.

" I'm sorry about last night." He whispered to me.

He had remembered.

" You scare me when you get like that."

" I know, and I hate that. It was just a one off I swear. It won't happen again. I told the boys to cut off my hand if I so much l as look at a drink."

I nodded my head, but I must not have looked sincere.

" I mean it John Paul. I'm promising you it won't happen again. I love you and I'm kind of fond of my hands as well."

I smiled at him and he kissed me. I kissed him again, and he kissed me back , and slid his hand up my thigh and in between my legs.

"Ste!" I said surprised shrugged away from him.

"What?" He asked feigning confusion

" We're in public at lunch.!"

He slid his hand back to where it had been. " No one's watching."

I moved backward again and pushed his hand away. " Just stop okay ! Does being in public mean nothing to you?''

" Since when are you a prude ? You're no stranger to carrying on in public- don't act so innocent!"

" Well I'm not interested in that now, and I'm done eating , so I'm going to go now-" I started to grab my things and he grabbed my hand.

" Hey don't go. I was only having a laugh and. I just can't keep my hands off of you. you're so -"

I turned to go. " You can save your apology." I said.

" John Paul - please I'm sorry."

" Why do you do it then ? " I said turning back " And don't tell me it's because I'm irresistible." He was quiet and I sat back down.

" I'm sorry."

" Do you know how all that makes me feel? The pinching and pinning me down, and to keep going when I've told you to stop . It's like. It's like you only think of me like-" I was looking down at the table trying to find my words.

" Like what John Paul?" He asked almost in a whisper.

" I just don't like it. " I finally said.

He took one of my hands in his and gently lifted my chin to face him. " I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry . Can you forgive me?" Looking in his eyes I believed him to be truly remorseful. "yea. " I said and we fell silent for a few minutes before he moved toward me giving me a hug after a moment he said " How about we check in on Matthew before you go back to work" He suggested picking up his phone.

* * *

Ste came around to meet me after work and we walked together to get Matthew from nursery. I was surprised to see him, but I figured it was because he was remorseful and wanted to make it up to me.

We walked for a moments alternating between silence and meaningless chatter. After a time Ste turned to me and said " You know last night, what I said about Matthew I didn't mean it."

I nodded. " I know. It's not like I love getting up multiple times a night, but it is what it is, he's going through a phase , and I'm doing the best that I can."

" I know you are." " He took my hand in his " And I can do a better job of helping you out getting up with him and all that. " "I'm sorry I haven't"

"Do you ever tire of apologizing to me?"

He kissed me " Eventually I'll be able to stop."


	4. Through Sorrow & Success

The recent weeks and weekends had gone by quickly in a blur of tending to kids, work , and various obligations. Ste and I were currently in a comfortable place. I would not call it good as we were not where we had been before. Ste had kept to his word and stayed away from drinking, and kept his temper, and was respecting my personal boundaries. He was also allowing me more freedom he was trusting me, and did not demand to know what I was doing at all times. Even though he wasn't checking in on me, I typically told him my whereabouts out of respect. I had started to trust him again as well, and was letting my guard down not as worried that my every action would upset him. We still had our quarrels , but I was no longer thinking of leaving and Ste had not needed to apologize to me in weeks. It was a comfortable rhythm each of us doing what was needed to keep our little family going.

He still wasn't much help when it came to overnight toddler care, but Matthew's sleepless night phase seemed to be drawing to a close, as he had been waking less during the overnight. Getting more sleep also had a positive impact on Ste's mood. The emphasis should be on the _had_ because the last two nights had been hell, but I was certain this reversal of fortune was due to Matthew getting his 2 year molars in. To his credit Ste had not complained.

Ste was actually due home in a few moments. I had the afternoon off from work, and we had agreed to have lunch together.

"There's a sight I could never tire of- my gorgeous man in the kitchen cooking for me only thing missing is the baby sling!" Ste called out.

" I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you."

"About what? The food or the baby?"

"Either." He smiled at my joke before kissing me.

"You smell great!" "New aftershave?"

I nodded "I'm trying something out."

" Have I told you lately that I loved you?"

" I think you mentioned something about that this morning." I replied coyly .

" Well I do." He said kissing me again. What's all this?"

"Spicy tuna roll, cucumber and avocado salad, and raspberry-lemon parfait. I'm just about done, but if you can't wait there's hummus on the table."

"Who are you and what have you done with my husband? That actually sounds fantastic!"

"Let's just hope it tastes that way."

"I'm sure it will be great." He reassured me as he sat down and started in on the hummus. We talked as we ate , about nothing in particular which was nice it was the first time in a long time that our conversation wasn't centered on work, kids, or some other household issue.

" That was delicious, J. P. I might have to insist you give up your job and come work for me." Ste praised finishing the last of his tuna.

"That might be a little hard considering I was just offered the position of Acting Head of English Department." I said spooning the parfait into glasses.

" You what ! How?"

" Well the former head went mental, and given my record the board suggested me for the role and Patrick agreed . He told me about it this morning." I answered handing him his parfait.

" And you're just telling me this now after I've been here nearly 30 minutes? That's fantastic news babe!" He said leaning across the counter to kiss me.

" I haven't accepted yet. I wanted to run it by you first. It's only to the end of the year, and it would mean some longer days, and a slight increase in salary."

" The only problem that I see is you haven't accepted yet."

"Are you sure? I mean are you okay with everything?"

"Why wouldn't be I be? This is amazing. Yes! Now if you don't call Patrick right now-"

I was a little stunned by his reaction. I had anticipated more resistance from him, but I was happy to be wrong and went to call Patrick.

When a hung up with Patrick Ste turned to me and said" I'm thinking this weekend, we have a family dinner in your honor-"

"That's not needed . I'm only filling in, and-"

" Of course it's needed. This is a big deal John Paul. you deserve to be celebrated. We'll do it right invite everyone your sisters, my sisters, the kids, we'll have half the village at the restaurant."

"That reminds me-" I went around the corner and came back handing him a package. "This came for you today from Leah and Lucas." Ste and the kids had been exchanging packets with each other for a few months now.

" This is actually for you." Ste said handing me a packet of papers. It was the comic I had started with the kids when they had last visited they had added to my drawings and made notes of what they wanted added to the story. I tried explaining the ongoing story to Ste and my plans to include a map to enhance the next portion of the saga.

He looked at me as if I had 3 heads. "I'll call them tonight and plan it out."

" I might be wrong but I think you're more excited by your zombie pirate/ evil doctor tale than your new position."

" Well I wouldn't want to disappoint the kids." I said walking away to put the story packet in a safe spot.

" I'm sure that's it- not wanting to disappoint the children, and not hat I'm married to a huge nerd." He called after me teasingly.

When I returned he was staring at me, so much so that it cause me to check my mouth for food.

"What?"

" I'm just trying to work out how I got so lucky to land such a smart, kind, and sexy man for my husband." He said while walking towards me.

"And I think we should start celebrating your promotion right now." He then kissed me and grabbed my hand leading us towards our bedroom.

"I'd love that-" I started breaking our kiss. He kissed me again and started at my shirt before I could finish my sentence.

I pulled back.

"What is it?"

" I've got to clean up."

"Leave it. I'll take care of it later I mean it's only fair you cooked ."

"No. I mean I've got to go out."

Ste groaned " You're kidding me? We've finally got the house to ourselves without any screaming babies, and your'e turning me down again. " I'm starting to get a complex."

"It's not that I don't want to. Believe me I do. I just have a meeting to get to."

" Skip it,"

" I can't. It wouldn't look good for the new English department head to be skipping out on meeting. I'll be late , so I need you to get Matthew from nursery?"

" Acting head, he reminded me almost as an insult, And when you get back you'll be tending to _him_ all night."

" If I didn't know better I might think you were jealous of a 2 year old."

" That's insane."

" I agree."

"I just miss us, and I'd love to know when I might get a moment with my husband." He pouted

" Tomorrow night. I'll get a sitter for Matthew, and I'm all yours,"

" Promise?"

" I swear it." I said kissing him before turning to get my things together.

" So what's this meeting about?"

"Trying to get together a few locals to come speak to the kids."

" Oh I'm always happy to come and give a chat."

" Thanks., but this one is local artists and authors."

"We have those?"

"Yea"

"Who?"

I paused to decide if I wanted to tell Ste exactly who I would be meeting with.

" I mean I can't think of anyone." Ste said clearly trying to work out who the possible town author could be.

"Siobhan's husband Cillian. You met him has done some work as a travel journalist, and Mark."

"Mark as in shopkeeper Mark?"

I nodded " Yea apparently he's published a couple of-"

" I don't care what he's done!" I get it now. Why you're rushing around and your new after shave. Got to look good for your night out with Mr. Wonderful while I play babysitter."

"That's not what's happening at all. I didn't even know he would be there until this morning. Siobhan was in charge of booking everyone.

" I've seen the way you look at him. I know you fancy him."

" You know that isn't true. I don't even know if he's gay or not."

" So you have thought about it."

" No. I only meant- I'm going to a work meeting, on school grounds with at least 5 other people one of whom will be Mark."

" A meeting you weren't going to tell me about unless I asked. You were just going to sneak off-"

" I'm not sneaking anything. I've told you where I'll be, and what I'm doing."

" You could be lying to me."

" I don't want to fight you Ste I don't. I've told you the truth it's a meeting for school, and yea Mark will be there, but I don't think of him that way. I don't know what else to tell you."

" Prove it then."

"What?"

" Prove to me that there's nothing going on with the two of you."

" How?"

"Give me your phone." I handed it to him and watched as he scrolled through all my messages and listened to my voice mail.

" Do you believe me now?" I asked as he handed the phone back to me.

"Maybe I'll sit in on this meeting for a bit to be certain."

Before I could respond my phone hummed and Ste snatched it from me.

" Who is M. K.?" " Mark Kent perhaps?" he inquired reading the caller i.d.

"No ! That's Margherita Kelly, Matthew's teacher." I said reaching for the phone knowing something had to be wrong for his teacher to ring me.

Ste swatted at my arm causing it to come down hard against the table and answered the call himself.

" No John Paul's out at the moment, this is Ste Matthew's stepdad. Ste's focused on me as he listened to the voice on the other end. His eyes were cold. " I'll let him know. Thank you." He hung up the phone.

" What is it?" "What happened?"

"He has a fever. They want you to pick him up." He placed my phone on the table .

" That's i?. Did she tell you anything else?" He ignored me and went upstairs. As he walked by me, he slammed me hard into the wall with his shoulder. Ignoring the pain, I called after him once or twice, but it was clear he was not going to be helpful. I rang Matthew's teacher and she told me he had a lowgrade fever and had been not himself most of the day, but the last hour he had become extremely cranky. I told her I'd be by to pick him. I then called my colleague to let her know an emergency had come up and I wouldn't be able to attend the meeting.

* * *

It was late evening before I arrived back home. When I did Ste was sitting on the sofa watching television.

" Where the hell have you been?" " Did you get one of your sisters to babysit and head on to your date."

" No I've been at hospital with a sick baby who's got a stomach virus and a double ear infection."

"What ! Why didn't you call me?" The truth was I had called and left him several messages. He hadn't responded to any of them.

" I did." I said quietly. "

" How is he?" Ste asked walking over to me.

" Tired out. I'm going to put him to bed."

" I'll do it. Go and sit down." I hesitated at handing Matthew over to Ste at first, and as I paused Matthew whimpered , so I took him up to bed myself, a combination of his being ill, medicated, and having a long afternoon caused him to fall back to sleep easily.

When I returned Ste had fixed me a plate. I sat beside him on the sofa, but didn't eat.

" What's wrong?"

" I feel bad. I missed it. I just thought he was teething and being 2 , and he was suffering." I answered wiping my eyes.

" Don't do that. You've been doing your best, Matthew knows that, and he's going to be fine, let that medicine get to working and he'll be running about in no time."

" I know that. It's just that -"

"You never want to see them hurting."

I nodded. Ste wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. " He'll be fine."

* * *

Matthew was up every hour on the hour the entire night crying barely able to get a few moments of comfortable sleep, he finally fell asleep at 6:00 in the morning with me rocking him and singing Snow Patrol's " Chasing Cars" to him.

Ste entered his room just as he had fallen asleep.

"How is he ?" He asked quietly.

" He's fine now. Fever's finally broken so hopefully we're on our way to well again."

Ste gently touched Matthew's still flushed cheek.

"Let me take him for a bit. Get some rest."

" I'm okay."

" John Paul your eyes are barely open, and you can hardly keep your head up, and you've yawned 4 or 5 time since I've been in here. Come on let me take him."

I paused a moment before placing Matthew into Ste's arms. He stayed sleeping.


	5. To Nurture Your Dreams

I lay in Ste's arms both of us on the sofa watching Matthew ,who feeling completely well again was racing around the room riding his duck blanket like a horse shouting " Party! Party" stopping on occasion to roar like a lion. Ste 's party for me had been postponed a week due to Matthew being ill, and it was apparent my son was excited for the evening's activities.

" He doesn't stop does he?"

"Nope. He doesn't have an off switch either. I've checked."

Ste laughed. " Well at least he's happy."

I nodded in agreement Matthew's current state was much preferable to where he had been only a half hour before: on the floor crying in earnest because he couldn't fit in the bear cave and the bears needed him, the bear cave being his cup, my efforts to distract him were in vain he eventually spotted a stray crayon and moved on.

"Yea - just as long as you don't mention b-e-a-r-s" I said sitting up, as I did so I bumped my arm and frowned at the sudden surge in pain and rubbed at the bruises.

Ste watched me closely before sitting up after me. " Are you still sore?" he asked concern evident in his voice.

I shook my head. " I'm fine. Just a bit stiff is all." Ste gently ran his thumb over the red, blue and purple splotches on my arm and hand " I hate that I did that to you."He whispered to me.

"It was an accident." I excused him in my mind it wasn't as though he had actually hit me,and I should have told him about Mark and the project as soon as I found out about it was stupid of me not to have done so.

" I'm fine."I spoke out loud before I kissed him "I need to get Matty ready for tonight." I said not wanting to discuss things further.

"I'll get him ready." Ste said jumping to his feet " It's your day and you deserve a break.

Upstairs in our bedroom after dressing and doing my best to select a shirt that concealed the marks on my arm I opened my nightstand and sat down.

From my nightstand I had taken a pack of papers, brochures and other information from Trinity College-Dublin's graduate studies program. I had yet to tell anyone, but I had been toying with idea of furthering my education, and perhaps pursuing a doctoral degree in English.

My reading was interrupted by Ste shouting out " Naked baby alert!" Matthew came running towards me dripping wet and wearing his towel like a hat, and swinging his toy duck.

"Just where do you think you're going young man?"

Raising his arms as if to say "duh" he replied " It's party time."

"Not without your pants and trousers ."

"Oh."

Scooping him up I left the college brochures on the bed.

* * *

Dinner was total madness as was to be expected with the Lomax and McQueen clans in full attendance. Amy and her new love Miguel came along with Leah and Lucas, and Sinead and her beau Gavin along with Hannah were also in attendance. Even with the noise and general chaos, it was great having the family together for a happy occasion, after so much sadness over the last year.

The night was fun, with everyone genuinely enjoying themselves, talking, laughing, joking, and making the occasional toast in my honor, even Ste was relaxed. He kept his arm around me all night and kissed me at random.

Matthew noticed Mark standing at the bar first. He stood in his chair and shouted " Hi Mawk! Hi Mawk! Hi!" Mark waved to him. I saw Ste's face tense slightly, and felt his arm tighten around me as I struggled to get Matthew to sit down I was careful not to make eye contact with Mark. I did make eye contact with Mercedes who watched the exchange intently.

It was at this moment that Ste decided to make his toast to me

" I'm not one for words, but this is from my heart. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you, babe. You haven't always had the easiest time of things, but you've kept at it, and well you're the best teacher at that school as far as I am concerned, and I'm glad that place has finally started to realize what all of us here know- that you're smart, special , amazing, and make everyone around you better, and I know this is just the beginning for you- and I am so lucky to get to call you my husband. Congratulations J P !" He concluded his speech by drawing me into him for a long kiss.

We stayed at the restaurant a little while longer, before we decided to move the party to my and Ste's place for family cinema night. Sinead, Gavin, and Hannah parted ways with us. As we left the restaurant, and were saying our goodbyes , Mark exited the building bumping right into us. He apologized and continued on his way, but not before wishing me congratulations.

I nodded and mumbled "Thanks." as I did I could feel Ste's nails digging into my back, and the look he gave , well if looks could kill both Mark and I would be dead.

Not wanting Ste to go off on me in front of everyone I quickly grabbed his free hand in my own.

" I was thinking to get cinema night started we could start with something like Finding Nemo or Despicable Me for the kids and then something like ET , Star Wars, Lord of the Rings." "What do you think?"

He was quiet for what seemed like an eternity and stared at me.

"Ste?"

He then grabbed my face with both of his hands and kissed me.

" I think it's brilliant." he finally answered. I wasn't certain that is what he actually thought, but he seemed to have relaxed and let go of Mark speaking to me , and I was happy with that.

* * *

Back at our home with everyone seated and snacks served ,I presented my movie ideas. Ste interrupted me saying " No offense babe, but that is so boring. I was thinking we pop in the home movies, starting with our wedding , and then we dust off the karaoke machine." Everyone agreed with him so we watched a few home movies, and ended up having a singing competition of sorts with the kids as judges.

About an hour into it the activities,Matthew toddled over to me and held out his empty cup "Juice Da-da." he requested using his first name for me.

" I'll get it for him." Mercedes offered.

" It's alright I don't mind."

She followed me into the kitchen helping herself to a bag of crisps. She stared at me as she had been doing all evening as I filled Matthew's cup.

"What happened to your hand?" She gestured to my left hand , and my knuckles covered in multicolored bruises.

"Oh this is courtesy of Matthew. He had a massive melt down the other day and slammed the door on my hand." The words to my cover story came out easily as I had told the same story to multiple people throughout the week. I still felt horribly guilty over using my innocent son in a lie.

""What about that then?" She gestured to my upper arm where the tiniest purple mark despite my best efforts to hide it was peeping out from my shirt.

She had caught me off guard with that question. I didn't look up instead I focused on tightening the lid to Matthew's cup.

"Matty again." I lied again God have mercy on me.

"He hates having his ear drops for the infection in and he literally kicked off."

"Oi, little bro! They'll be filming a special series of Brat Camp just for you if you don't watch out. You've spoiled him.

""So how's -um- who is it you're seeing again?" I quickly changed the subject.

Mercy stuffed another handful of crisps in her mouth mumbled something wagged her finger at me and walked out.

I followed her out of the kitchen and handed Matthew his cup, and he took it from me with a "Thank you Daddy."

" I was just telling everyone how cute the story you have going with Leah and Lucas is." Amy filled me in.

" Oh it's just a little something." I said embarrassed.

" It's sweet, and not bad actually you should get it published." Was her retort.

" Ooh that good is it? Well we have to hear it then." Tegan called out.

" Yea give us a bedtime story." Cleo teased.

" Story! Story! Story!" Leah started to chant and the others joined in.

" Come on John Paul you can't disappoint the kids." Amy prodded.

I put up my hands in mock surrender and launched into my tail of pirate zombies, dragons, princesses, and space monkeys that was becoming more and more like a soap opera fairytale.

"As everyone knows hula hoops are not effective in catching zombie pirates, and so they lived to sail another day on towards Drago- , and Dr. Rene and the rest of the space monkeys returned to headquarters to revise their plans and redraw their maps." I ended my story and the room filled with applause.

"Well I don't know about everyone else, but I'm ready for bed." Ste announced placing his hand on my thigh and kissing me.

I kissed him back quickly.

" Oi get a room you two." Mercedes scorned in our direction.

"That's the hope." Ste quipped back at her and kissed me again.

"Eew!" said Leela who was on the other side of Ste before swatting the back of Ste's head.

"Well I think that's our cue- if you just give us Matthew's bag ,love, we'll be on our way and out of your hair."

Before I could open my mouth Ste spoke " It's just in the other room Myra I'll grab it for you."

Ste left and came back quickly handing my mom a book bag that was apparently stocked for Matthew's overnight stay with her.

"Thank you." she said to Ste and to Matthew "Give your daddy a kiss goodnight ,baby."

He did telling me " I sleeping at Nana's I big boy tonight."

Not wanting to give away I had no idea my son was spending the night with my mother, and wanting to avoid an incident with Ste I hid my surprise and anger.

"That's right darling. You and Duck Duck be good for your Nan and rest well. I love you so much." I said giving him a kiss and a cuddle, and with that and some quick goodbyes the house quickly emptied and Ste and I were alone.

* * *

"When were you planning on telling me about this overnight for Matthew.?"

"I'm so sorry. John Paul. I just ran into Myra this morning and we got to talking. I meant to tell you- I meant no harm just wanted to surprise you,and have a night to ourselves. It's been ages since I've had you all to myself. You can't be mad at me for wanting a night alone with you ."

"No , but I can be mad at you for sending my son off without talking to me first."

"He's with your mum and the girls ,and he's not far away, and he'll love feeling like a big boy."

"And-?"

"And next time I will talk to you first and I'm so sorry. Forgive me?"

"I don't know."

" I'll make it up to you."

" How are you going to do that?"

"Like this." he replied by kissing me and backing us towards the stairwell. By the time we reached the top of the stairs he had managed to unbutton and remove my entire shirt,but before we made it into our bedroom ,my phone rang.

"You have got to be kidding me. Ste whined. I'm going to kill whoever that is, Don't answer it!."

I picked up my phone to silence it and realized the call was from my mother.

"It's my mum." I said to him before taking the call "Yea okay be there in a minute."

Ste looked at me in disbelief and annoyance.

"It's Matthew. He wants to tell me goodnight again. They're just outside I'll be quick."

"You've got 2 minutes and then I'm coming after you."

"Yea. Yea." I said as I pulled my shirt together and headed back downstairs.

I was gone closer to 10 minutes.

As I walked up the stairs taking 2 or 3 steps at a time I called out to Ste as I went.

"Little guy had to have his lullaby before he could go."

"But - he's a sleep now."

" My phone is on silent."

"And- I am yours for the rest of the night." I reached our bedroom.

"What the hell is this shit!" Ste greeted me with clinched teeth and the college brochures in his hands.

" It's nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing." he followed me as I went to sit on the bed. He remained standing.

" You have nerve going at me for keeping stuff from you , and here you are planning on leaving me."

"I'm not planning on leaving."

"So what then- I'm supposed to leave my job and go chasing after you?"

"No. I'm sorry Ste. I should have told you- I was just curious and."

"And what? I don't understand you at all. I don't get you at all, I'm here doing everything I can for us to make you happy. And you go and do this. I don't understand aren't you happy? Aren't I enough for you."

" It's not that it's not that at all. Ste I love you. Of course you're enough. I want to be with you-"

"Then why the hell are you doing this?" He thrust the papers in my face.

" Nothing's been decided."

"Answer my question!"

" I've been thinking about trying something new. I love my job at the high school, but I've always thought about being a professor-"

"So you think you're too good for us here then?"

"What no. that's not what I said - those weeks I took over the adult education classes it was great - and I was thinking maybe I need to try something new."

"God what is it with you? Want to be a professor want to write novel. It's always something you just have to prove to everyone else that you're better than them. I've never met anyone so arrogant. I've got news for you John Paul. You're not as special as you think you are. You're nothing"

"Ste, I don't know what to say. I've tried to tell you... I don't know what to say or do. Tell me what you want me to hear and I'll say it because all I want is for you to believe me."

"Get rid of them. rip them up."

I did as I was told putting the torn pieces in the bin.

"Did he put you up to it?"Ste asked.

"Who?"

"Don't play stupid with me. You know who I mean."

"Mark?"

Ste mocked me giving a slow- clap " Very good. Convincing performance." He was inches from my face.

" I think I'm going to go downstairs for a bit and let you cool down" I said quietly.

" No you're not. you're staying here!" he shouted at me grabbing me by the arm and throwing me into the wall. He then pushed me, forcing me to the middle of our room.

"Tell me did you plan it out on your little lunch dates?"

I shook my head to deny it.

I slowly approached him from behind taking his hand. "Ste I've never had lunch with him."

"Don't you lie to me!" he roared at me whirling quickly around and backhanding me hard, and sending me into my nightstand, and I hit my head as I fell to the floor. "I see the way you look at him... you were smiling at him tonight, and Matthew sure was happy to see him." He kicked me. as I tried to sit up.

"I should have let you go the first time. I had to be mad to want you back. I mean what else could I expect from you? You've been with half the men in town. Of course you'd have to try it with the new shopkeeper. Why ever did I want to marry the town whore? What was I thinking! Married men, priests, students, your own cousin's husband! Sorry if I forgot a few there's just so many,I don't think there is anyone you'd say no to. That's probably why you picked Dublin isn't it ? Back to your ex- bet you didn't think I would figure that out did you? You're so much smarter than everyone else, so , smart, so clever. I have to hand it to you you fooled me and everyone else. Had everyone here feeling sorry for you. Poor bullied teacher. I bet you liked it. I bet you loved every minute of it, you said yourself you didn't fight him. You lying filthy slut." He hissed his last words at me before kicking me again.I covered my head instinctively.

"Look at me !" He shouted suddenly. I kept my head down "I said look at me!"

Ste grabbed my hair and pulled me upright into a sitting position. I was shaking, sobbing,my blood was everywhere: my face, my hands, the floor , the wall, my shirt, all stained red.

I could feel his nails digging into my scalp causing a burning pain.

"You disgust me!" He spat in my face and shoved me into the bedside table causing me to bang my head again. I said nothing and I didn't move I didn't dare to I was terrified of what would happen next. I lay on the floor trembling listening to Ste pace around the room. He stopped abruptly grabbing me by the arm. I waited in fear for his next blow.

Then suddenly he let me go, with a "Clean this mess up," he then grabbed my phone from where I dropped it when he hit me and he was gone. I picked up the night stand, and put back everything that had fallen, I then cleaned my blood from the floor, and the wall before getting into the shower , and allowing the hot water to soothe my aching body and wash away the blood and tears. I got into bed after my shower, and soon after Ste returned. I sat up as he entered the room and he sat down beside me on the bed. I started to shake slightly and tried my best to conceal it. He reached for my hand and I flinched and leaned away from him. He looked hurt. " S-Sorry." I whispered hoping I hadn't set him off again.

" It's alright." He whispered before reaching for my hand once more, and taking it in his gently.

"I should be the one apologizing. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you, you do these things, and it's like I can't think straight- all I see is red and then we fight and I scare you.I can't imagine living without you again and the thought of you leaving me again makes me crazy. I was lost without you - I was a total mess. I'm so sorry I hurt you and what I said earlier was inexcusable...when I was downstairs I made a phone call to talk to someone. I want to change I'm going to change I don't want to keep hurting you."

"I'm sorry too. I know I should have told you, I didn't know how to bring it up. I love you. I love you so much, and I keep trying- I mean I'm really trying Ste, but I can't seem to make you happy, or do the right thing, and sometimes...sometimes I think you hate me-" my voice broke then and I wiped at my eyes.

"No! don't say that. Don't ever say that. I love you John Paul believe that. I love you ,and I would die without you.I will change please believe that" He carefully brought his hand up to my face and wiped away my tears and tenderly kissed my face.

"Do you hear me ? I love you. I love you so much."

" I love you too."

He leaned over kissing my mouth nibbling my lip a little ,causing me to wince as it was cut and swollen from our fight.

"Sorry." he apologized noticing my pain.

I kissed him back. He kissed me quickly twice before taking my face in his hands for a lingering kiss

* * *

.

I got a late start the next morning it was after 10:00 when I finally made it out of bed. Ste had fixed us a nice spread for our brunch, and volunteered to get Matthew from my mum's on his way back from running a few errands. I wasn't very hungry, but ate anyway because Ste had gone through the trouble of preparing it for us.

He kissed me before heading out, gently holding my chin and looking into my eyes as he did.

" You were amazing last night." he kissed me again and was gone. It was clear to me he wasn't having the same trouble getting his head around what happened between us the night before as I was.

Unlike him, I kept going over the prior evening's events in my mind,there was the party and having the family over, we fight and then we made up and made love not just last night, but also this morning.

I had told Ste I'd clean up the dishes from the night before and planned on sorting through Matty's old clothes and toys, and mark homework, but instead I was stretched out on the sofa with the TV on not really watching it, but lost in my thoughts.

I had wanted to have sex with him. I mean that had been the plan for this weekend after a long drought and Ste was my husband. So why was I feeling so dirty? He had been gentle and caring which was welcome after the fight. Maybe that was what was bothering me all the things he said when we were fighting. But, he had apologized and he had been right I should have told him I was thinking of going back to school.

Tired of thinking, I decided to get started on the things I wanted to accomplish for the day, but instead I fell asleep.

* * *

It seemed much shorter, but in reality it was an hour later when I woke up to being poked in the eye and a squeaky voice saying " I here Daddy!" I opened my eyes to Matthew's face covered in chocolate.

"Hello you! Did you have fun at your Nana's?'

"Chockwit!" he said with a smile.

"I see that ." I said sitting up and scooping him onto my lap in one motion.

"I missed you. Did you know that?" I said before giving him a kiss and hug.

He grabbed my face with his chocolate covered fingers and gave me a kiss. "I back."


	6. To Trust & Honor Your Judgment

I checked myself over in the mirror ,straightened my necktie. It was the best I could do. I sighed and wished both the weekend and my hair to be just a tad bit longer. I had done my best to cover them, but the bruises on my temple and ear were visible from certain angles.

Matthew was fascinated by my bruises, anytime he was in my lap he would search for them, I think the rainbow colors were what caused the interest he was keen on colors at the moment.

Still staring in the mirror ,I examined my lip: the swelling had gone down considerably, but my lower lip still was bruised at the corner and I didn't have a way to cover that, at least it wasn't very large.

What a way to look when I was meant to be hosting special guests in class today

I suppose it could have been worse, at least the bigger marks I had been able to cover with my clothing. I shrugged and turned away. I was in a hurry to be ready when Ste was returned to bring me to work. He had insisted on walking me in to work this morning and I was not going to argue with him.

"Is that what you're wearing?" He asked me leaning against the doorframe, he had returned from dropping Matthew at nursery sooner than I had anticipated.

"Mhmm."

"Oh okay. That's interesting." he said entering the room and sitting on the bed.

"Why?" I asked checking myself over thinking I had missed a hole or stain.

"No reason. It's nothing." he started to stand up.

" It must be something."

"No. Honestly you look fine."

I looked in the mirror again. " Is it the tie?"

Ste didn't answer.

"My jacket? Come on tell me?"

"Well since you asked it's everything,"

"Everything?"

"You look a bit like a slob."

" A slob? I just bought this 2 weeks ago. I wore it last week , and you didn't have anything to say then."

Ste shrugged. " I just think you can make a better impression with your new title and all, and you've got those people coming in. But really, you look- fine- forget I said anything."

After he had gone I looked myself over in the mirror again, and decided to change.

Twenty minutes later I made my way downstairs.

"I was wondering what you were doing… you look nice." Ste told me as he readjusted my tie.

"Perfect! let's go you don't want to be late." He grabbed my bag and my hand and we were out the door.

The walk to work was a quiet one, for me at least, Ste chattered away, and I did my best to nod and utter interjections at what seemed like appropriate places. I also agreed to have lunch with him.

Ste walked me to my classroom , kissed me at the door and reminded me to check in with him.

* * *

Once inside my classroom, I set about getting things organized for the presentations, engrossed in my work I barely heard a knock and the door open. I looked up and to my surprise I saw Siobhan .

"What is it?"

" Bad news. All but one of the speakers cancelled."

"Who do I have left?"

"Mark Kent. I've spoken to him and he is willing to cover the entire period or reschedule. whichever you prefer."

"That's fine . I'm sure the kids will enjoy his talk if for no other reason than it's a change from listening to me."

To my surprise my students did enjoy Mark's presentation. He was a charismatic speaker and held the teenagers captivated, even when he finished his talk they kept him going with question after question.

He had just finished reciting William Ernest Henley's _Invictus_ which he described as inspiring him to find the light in his darkest days. He acknowledged a raised hand.

"What is writing to me?" Mark repeated the student's question. "Writing is love. It's happiness, It's sorrow. It's healing. It's a teacher and it's a student. It's wisdom and it's folly. It's truth and it's lies. It's reality and it's fiction. Writing is our word, and word is everything."

"So what's it take to be a good writer then?"

" Ah! Well that's easy. To be a great writer you need 3 things: 1. A leather-bound journal. 2. A fountain pen, and 3. inspiration. Now the first two are easy to come by. The third can be tricky for some. What is inspiration you say? Well inspiration can be a holiday trip, the loss of a loved one, the classmate you fancy, your dog, your cat, your nana. your favorite boyband, your favorite football team, your grumpy teacher, a song or a poem. The possibilities are endless. The important thing is just to write."

The bell announcing the end of the period rang the students erupted into a thunderous applause for Mark before gathering their belongings and heading to their next period.

As the last of the students filed out of the door I turned to Mark to thank him once more.

"You were brilliant today.I could tell the kids loved you. you may have inspired the next Dickens or Rowling."

Mark chuckled "I hope so-. always happy to help encourage the next generation" He stared at me intently for a moment, and I realized, that he could likely see my bruised ear from where he was standing.

"Well thanks again. Don't let me keep you-" I reached for my satchel and briefly checked my phone.

"Are you headed out?"

"Taking my lunch."

"Perhaps I could join you? "

"I'm meeting my husband actually"

"Another time then."

I nodded and walked out the door ahead of him.

* * *

Outside I looked around for Ste there was no sign of him. I was running a few minutes late. I checked my phone to be certain he hadn't changed the time. There were no new messages. I sent him a text telling him I would meet him at The Hutch.

As I waited my turn to cross the street I felt someone come up beside me. I looked up and was met with Mark's face.

"Changed your mind about lunch?" He joked.

I shifted away from him.

Mark seemed to take the hint. He turned toward me ,lowered his voice and said " I was hoping to get the chance to speak with you today."

"What is it?"My tone was less than friendly , I wasn't in the mood for banter. I was preoccupied with trying to figure out why Ste hadn't met me at the school or replied to my text.

" I think I may have offended you in some way,and I think I may have been a bit too forward in our interactions. I don't know you well, but -the thing is you remind me of someone, and I've-"

At that moment Ste walked up to us " So this is why you left me stranded. Left me waiting for you like an idiot." He was visibly angry.

"Ste, I waited for you and left you a message-" I made my case while making my voice low hoping Ste would match my tone.

"So I"m the reason you aren't where I told you to meet me? "It was clear he had no intention of lowering his voice.  
"No of course not...no one is to blame it's just a misunderstanding."

"No one?"

" I should have called. I should have waited for you. I'm sorry I didn't wait. I just ...can we just go to lunch?" I pleaded reaching for his hand.

He pushed my hand away saying "Save it. I'm no longer interested, he gestured towards Mark, maybe he is." He then turned and walked away from me. I followed him calling out his name. After ignoring me for several steps, he turned quickly towards me and warned " If you know what's good for you, you would leave it." He turned from me again and continued walking.

Mark and about 15 passersby witnessed the entire exchange ,to say I was embarrassed would be an understatement.

Mark walked to my side. quietly said my name and asked if was okay or if there was anything he could do. I didn't turn my head to acknowledge him.

"You've done enough." I was upset, and as I spoke I realized I was taking my frustration out on the wrong person, but I didn't apologize. I walked back to work no longer interested in eating and trying not to worry much over Ste.

* * *

The remainder of my work day drudged on. I had a hard time keeping focused , and I'm certain my students recognized their teacher was not fully engaged. When the final bell rang,I left as quickly as possible, and as I walked to the nursery for Matthew I went over what Ste had said. Had he threatened me? I felt queasy , not enough time had passed for me to forget Saturday night . I knew all too well what Ste was capable of when angry. I had not heard from him since our failed lunch, so I had no way of assessing his current mood. I didn't know if he was still furious or if all was forgiven.

I thought about going to McQueen HQ, Ste was keen on winning my family over since we got back together , and had yet to appear even slightly cross with me in their presence. On the other hand, he had no problem raising his voice and his hand to me when we were home and no one else was around but Matthew. Maybe a McQueen dinner would help diffuse the tension between us? It could also make things worse.

When I arrived at Matthew's school, I discovered Ste had picked him up hours before. Always ready to share a charming anecdote with parents ,Mrs. Kelly told me that Matthew was developing quite the imagination, and that just this afternoon he proudly told her that his daddy was turning into a rainbow because he has purple ears and tummy.

"Though he actually said ' wain-boo' isn't that just the sweetest." she laughed and I laughed with her before quickly leaving.

I didn't think Ste would hurt Matthew, but I didn't like his sudden interest in sharing childcare duties, and I didn't think he would find Matthew inadvertently telling his teacher about my bruises to be hilarious.

When I arrive home, Ste and Matthew were nowhere to be found . The silence was unnerving.

I checked my phone again. Not a single message.

I went to the Hutch they were surprised to see me as Ste had left early telling them he needed to help me with Matthew. No Matthew. No Ste. No messages. Ste wasn't answering his phone. I started to panic. Where were they? Had they been hurt? What had he done? My racing thoughts were interrupted by my ringing phone. It was Leela. "Oh God!" something had happened I was going to be ill I could feel my stomach lurching as I answered her call bracing myself for the worst.

I had nothing to fear. Matthew was with her and just fine, but she wanted an ETA on when I would be done with work and coming to get him. She also mentioned that in the future she would prefer it if let her know in advance if we needed a sitter.

* * *

Ste was waiting for us when Matthew and I arrived back at our home.

I was too angry to speak.

"Didn't think you would be back at this hour."

"I never planned to be late. Like I never planned on being worried sick about where my son and husband were."

"Well you know what they say plans change things come up."

"What happened between you and me had nothing to do with Matthew. You have no right to frighten him, to use him to get back at me."

"Frighten him?" Ste looked incredulous.

"Matty, did you have fun with Daddy Ste today?"

"Yeppa!" Matthew screamed excitedly in response to Ste's question.

"What did we do?"

"Went to park. I went on slide . I went on the wed slide all by myself!. And I wan and wan. Daddy There was a big , big dog!"

"After the park what did we do?"

"Went see Mawk an' got dis!" He lifted the train he was playing with proudly.

"You went to see Mark?" I was confused. Ste waved at me to be quiet.

"Did you have a nice time with Auntie Leela?"

"Yep. Coloring." he then added slightly disappointed " No Thomas there."

"Doesn't seem traumatized to me. You should learn to be a little less dramatic John Paul. All the moaning you do about me helping you out more- I'd thought you'd be happy."

"Why did you leave him with Leela?"

"I had something I needed to take care of."

He put his jacket on and headed to the door.

"We're not done here."

"I think we are."

"Where are you going?"

"You have your secrets, and I've got mine. Doesn't matter anyway. We both know you'll be standing here waiting with your gob open"

He picked up his keys and was gone.


	7. My Model & Equal In All Things

Ste didn't come home the next two nights, and he ignored my all my attempts to contact me. I knew he was alive because he would answer my calls, and hang up on me.

Thursday I was off work. Matthew had come down with strep throat, and on our way back from the chemist's I noticed Ste sitting with a man acting as if they were old friends and perhaps more.

Overwhelmed with exhaustion from caring for a sick child and worrying about my husband ,I was not thinking, and marched straight into the Hutch and up to Ste and the the strange man and introduced myself. Not long after my arrival the man excused himself.

Ste was not pleased. He grabbed me by the arm and nearly dragged me out the door.

"What they hell do you think you're doing?"

" I should be asking you the same thing."

"That man was a very important client ,catering for him could have brought us to the next level, and you come in throwing your dummy. He'll probably back out now."

"Ste, I- I didn't know."

"Of course not . You never think anything through you idiot."

" I didn't know what to think. I haven't heard from you in days and then I see you with him and-"

"And you decided to throw a jealous tantrum that may cost us everything. You're the one who is always talking about the future and wanting a larger space for our family."

"I'm sorry Ste...if there's anything I can do."

"Go home. Get out of my face. You've done enough." He went inside and I left feeling worse than when I had arrived.

* * *

Matthew peered at me through his fingers. The last 45 minutes had been spent in a standoff over his dinner. I foolishly thought he would eat the quinoa, peas, avocado, ham slices, and cheese that he asked for. I think he thought by covering his face I and the food he deemed offensive would disappear.

He put his hands down. "Daddy?"

"Yes son?" He paused to examine his cheese.

"Birds eat yummahs?"

I thought for a moment. "Sure they do. If Daddy gives you hummus will you eat your dinner?"

Matthew wrinkled his face and tilted his head. I could tell he was giving careful thought to eating hummus.

"No." he finally decided and went back to covering his face.

Ste came home just as I was bargaining with Matthew to take a bite of his food in exchange for almost anything. Matthew was happy to see him. He uncovered his face , clapped his hands saying "Yea Tee-Tee!" followed by proudly stating " I not eating Tee-Tee!"

Ste ignored my greeting and sat down beside Matty and made a roll up out of his food. Matthew happily took it from him ,and without any fuss finished his dinner.

"Why didn't I think of that?"

"Well ,we know thinking things through is not your strong point."

"It's nice to have you home, it comes in handy to have someone who's been there done that. Reinforcements and all that." I tried to lighten his mood.

He looked at me "Oh, so now you trust me."

"Were you able to fix things with him?"

"I left him a message, so hopefully it will turn out okay."

"I'm so sorry."

Ste lifted my chin "Don't worry you'll be making it up to me." He left the room with Matthew following closely behind.

"I was thinking that tomorrow night we could take the kids into town ,they're having some art and storytelling family event there will be music too. I'm thinking Leah, Lucas, and Matty will love it."

As he called to me I suddenly remembered Amy had left a message with me the other night when she couldn't reach Ste. In everything that had happened I had forgotten

"What do you say?" Ste asked as he returned to the kitchen carrying Matthew in his arms.

I hesitated trying to find the right words to tell him of my oversight.

"Well? If you have a better idea spill it"

"Amy called the other night...when you were out...she couldn't reach you..and she wanted me to tell you the kids won't be coming this weekend .Leah has a gymnastics meet and it would be too much to organize that and Lucas, but to give her a call about next weekend and maybe going to the tournament."

I can't fully describe the look Ste gave me but it was far from loving.

"I'm so sorry with everything that's happened the last couple days it completely slipped my mind."

"You just forgot to tell me the mother of my children called. It just slipped your mind to tell me something important about my kids. Just like that. Is that what you expect me to believe John- Paul? Is that how little you think of me? Do you think I am moron? You know how hard I have worked to have my kids in my life to be a father to them and you go and do this. How could you be so stupid? You idiot!"

"Ste I said I was sorry . It was a mistake . Matthew was sick ... I was worried about you-"

"So everyone else is to blame? You really are a jackass."

"If you call her I'm sure you can work something out. I'll talk to her if you want me to and explain."

"What I want is for you to shut your mouth. You better hope I am able to reach her and sort this."

He handed Matthew to me and stormed out of the room.

* * *

Saturday came and it was just me and Matthew. Ste had gone to Leah's gymnastics meet, and even though Matty and me had been invited to attend Ste made it very clear to me that I was not welcome.

Truthfully, I didn't mind missing out. Of course I would love to be there to support Leah, but I needed a break from Ste. He had been able to connect with Amy and make plans for the weekend without trouble , and things had been sorted between him and the client, but that was not enough for him. I'd done my best to make it up to him, but he hadn't forgiven me. After his phone call to Amy he had launched into a verbal tirade, and after he simply refused to acknowledge me in any way. I felt small and invisible. This morning, before he left, he had ignored me completely . He actually shrugged me off when I attempted to hug him goodbye. He was still good to Matthew, and Matthew adored him, and as long as that was true I was fine with going unnoticed for a few days.

On the brighter side I was happy to be spending the entire day with Matthew. It had been ages since we had a "boys day" and we made the best of it: pizza for lunch, a trip to the park, we fed the ducks, and made a special trip to see actual trains. Matthew loved every minute of it, and I was happy just to see him having so much fun.

At bedtime, Matthew begged me to play his favorite game , and against my better judgment and taking the chance I'd wind him up to the point it would take hours to get him to sleep I gave in.

The game involved me holding Matthew up by his arms swinging him from side to side like a monkey, flipping him over one way and flipping him back before swinging him up and over my shoulder. He loved it and the game always ended with him in giggles, and screaming in glee.

To my delight, even after three rounds of the "Matthew Monkey" game ,he settled into bed easily, and after a story, a song , and cuddles he was close to sleep. Most nights after his bedtime routine was complete, he would hold my hand until he could barely keep his eyes open ,and just before his eyelids fluttered shut he would yawn and whisper "I sleeping now. " Wuv you daddy."

Tonight was the same ,only this time his last words to me before falling asleep were "Wuv you idiot!"


	8. Communicate Fully &Fairly

The weeks that followed were difficult. Spending the weekend with his kids had done nothing to quell Ste's anger towards me. When he arrived back home midday Sunday, he had gone to Sinead's to visit Hannah ,and taken Matthew with him. They didn't return home until it was time for Matthew to be put to bed. Matthew asked for Ste to put him to bed, which he did, and Ste barely allowed me to give my son a kiss goodnight.

By the time Thursday came I found myself wishing Ste would shout at me. I realized it was a twisted way of thinking, but I badly wanted some form of attention from my husband I was willing to accept a negative interaction as proof he knew I was alive.

Ste was forced to acknowledge me on the weekend. A few weeks back, Leah had told Amy that Ste and I had shouted at each other. That confession had resulted in a long phone conversation for Ste, and since then he had been on his best behavior when his kids visited.

He spoke to me, but as little as possible, he used the kids as go betweens, and when he had to speak to me his tone was sharp and his comments were often cruelty disguised as jokes.

I focused my attention on the kids , which wasn't hard to do.

* * *

Leah was eager to tell me all about her gymnastics meet . We went out to the garden so she could demonstrate the skills she had learned. After her demo, we ended up kicking the ball around. Lucas wanted his turn in the spotlight, and showed off what he had been learning in football, it was adorable watching him teach Matty how to kick , and he even let him score a goal. We got a game going ,it was Ste and Leah against me and Lucas with Matty playing for both teams. The kids were smiling and laughing, Ste seemed to be enjoying himself. I thought all was well ,until Ste caught me in the face with the football. He claimed it was an accident, I wasn't certain of that, but he did help me clean my nose.

Fortunately I had no serious damage, and once the excitement of my bloodied nose had passed, the kids got busy with coloring, and I attempted to help Ste prepare dinner. He made it clear to me that I was in the way, and I wanting to keep things pleasant , I left him to cook on his own, and joined the children who were now building with Lego.

Soon I was down on the rug, helping Matthew and Lucas build the house Leah had drawn. In between laughing and joking, while we built, I helped Leah and Lucas construct a plan to convince Amy to get them a dog. When Ste entered the room to give us a 5 minute clean up warning before dinner, he looked at me with disgust in his eyes.

Just as we were finishing dinner, and the kids were making their case for being allowed sweets, Sinead came round with Hannah. Hannah, currently in a bout of separation anxiety, cried when Sinead handed her to Ste, and reached for me. Hannah settled immediately in my arms.

Sinead laughed and said " I guess we know who the favorite daddy is."

I smiled nervously and pretended that I hadn't noticed Ste's face.

" Kids are funny like that they change preferences as often as they need new nappies." I offered in attempt to keep the peace.

Sinead laughed again.

" I didn't know you were a comedian." Ste said in a voice that was more biting than sarcastic.

"Well- I think little lady might be getting a new daddy she loves-"Sinead stated before she paused dramatically , then waved her hand at us, flashing a large and gaudy ring.

"I'm engaged! Gavin and I are getting married!" She squealed.

"What already? Don't you think it's a bit fast?" Ste asked.

" You're one to judge! I've known him long enough to know how I feel, to know he's really the one this time." Sinead replied defensively.

"Congratulations." I said giving her hug. " Do you have a date in mind?"

"Nothing set in stone, but we're thinking soon. Gavin just got a job , and we're planning to move to Aberdeen-"

"Aberdeen!" Ste was shocked and I could see the anxiety on his face.

"Yeah that's where he's from."

"You're taking my baby girl to Aberdeen?"

"Nothing's been decided, but it looks like it,"

"I can't-"

I interrupted Ste by placing my hand on his shoulder " Why don't we work out the details later eh? the kids have been begging for a treat, I bet they'd love to celebrate with some banana splits."

"Sounds perfect!" Sinead agreed and walked by me and into the kitchen. Ste followed Sinead taking baby Hannah from me as he did. He bumped me into the wall as he walked by me. The bump was intentional ,he looked over his shoulder as if he was daring me to say anything about it.

* * *

The kids who were excited to hear the engagement news, Lucas announced a new puppy would be the perfect wedding gift, and Leah told Sinead she had to let her help pick the dresses and decorations.

Sinead left shortly after dessert, we spent the next couple of hours playing Simon Says, attempting to get Hannah to take her first steps and having a dance off. After the kids were cleaned up, changed into pajamas, had their story, and into bed, Ste and I cleaned up the house.

We worked mostly in silence. As we finished the last of the dishes, I asked Ste how he was feeling about Sinead's engagement.

"It's hard to get my head around it. They've only been together a few months, but if she's happy I'm happy, and Gavin is a great guy."

"He is."

"Why do you bring it up?"

"You seemed a bit tense earlier, and I know you're probably worried about them moving away, it has to be hard-"

"I'd rather not talk about it." We finished washing up in silence and went to bed.

* * *

The next morning I woke, to a text message from Ste saying he had taken Leah and Lucas to a farmer's market in London and they would be gone most of the day.

I was left to tend to Hannah and Matthew.

After giving them their breakfast, we headed to the park ,and made a trip to feed the ducks before returning home for lunch.

After settling Matty and Hannie for their nap, I checked my phone , there was not a single message from Ste.

When the kids woke from their naps it was raining so I built them a playhouse out of old boxes and blankets, they loved it. When the rain stopped we went out to play in the mud and puddles,and had just enough time to get cleaned up before Ste arrived home. By the time Amy and Sinead arrived, Ste, Lucas, and Leah had prepared a lovely meal with some of the food they had purchased at the farmer's market, and we all sat down to dinner. Dinner was a portrait of happiness, everyone had a smile, story or joke to share. However, once his kids had gone home with their mothers, Ste returned to ignoring me.

* * *

Tuesday morning arrived, and I was greeted with a kiss and a cup of tea from Ste.

"Good morning, beautiful!"

I didn't answer, but accepted the tea.

"Take your time. I'll get Matty to nursery. When you are ready, I made breakfast- it's waiting for you downstairs. Love you babe!" With another kiss he was gone. Apparently, a good night's sleep complete with heavy snoring was all Ste needed to forgive me.

When I arrived at school I received the first of several texts from Ste it read

"Hope you enjoy your lunch, Have a great day!' I replied to him complimenting him on breakfast, thanking him for lunch and wishing him a fantastic day.

When I took my lunch, I noticed Ste had included a love note with my sandwiches, nothing dirty, but it made me blush.

Just as I finished the note, I heard my phone buzz, Ste was calling me.

"Is that what you really think of me?" is how I answered the phone.

"So you've seen the note. Well, I do feel that way about you and so much more."

"Thank you… I wasn't expecting that."

"Are you blushing?"

"No."

"Liar, bet I can change that-" his voice trailed off

"Ste!" I exclaimed and looked around even though I knew no one had heard what he had just said.

"Bet you're red now." he teased.

"Did you call just to torture your husband?"

"No, that's just a bonus, I actually called to see if my husband was interested in having dinner with a few friends tonight."

"Who are you thinking of?"

"Mel and Cara, Jack and Drew, and Keira and Tim."

"Oh good crew. I like them."

"So? You're saying yes?"

"If I can find someone to look after Matthew-"

"Already taken care of."

"Oh. Then I suppose we're going to a dinner party tonight"

"Good! I'll see you later, you." Ste finished our chat by leaving me blushing again.

* * *

"Hiya!" I turned around in surprise to see Ste. He had just left me several messages ,none of them mentioned he was waiting outside to walk me home.

"Are you not happy to see me?"

"No. Of course not. I just didn't realize you were here waiting for me." I gave him a kiss.

" Well. I've got to keep you on your toes right?" he kissed me back and took my hand.

"I suppose so. How was your day?"

"Alright. Nothing to brag on. And you? You look tired."

"Teenagers are exhausting."

"I take it you had a tough day then?"

"Tough, would be a massive understatement."

Ste's let go of my hand and his eyes fired. "Is someone giving you trouble? I swear if they are-"

"No. No it's nothing like that. Just sassy kid stuff is all. Nothing to worry about and nothing a night out won't fix."

"That's good to hear."

"So have you found a sitter for Matty?" I asked changing the subject.

"Mel and Cara 's nanny , Emma, has agreed to look after the kids while we have dinner. Is that alright?"

"I'll have to meet her, but sounds fine to me."

Ste nodded in agreement.

"What is it?" I asked. Ste he stopped short before we crossed the street.

"Just admiring the view."

"Oh yeah how is it?"

"Dead gorgeous!" He said and smacked my backside.

"You're really trying it aren't you."

"Can't help it. You are looking _very_ good today."

"Funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you."

"Oh yeah? I mean it blue is your color babe- not sure how I feel about you going to work lookin' like that. There isn't anyone I should be worried about is there?"

"Well there is Mr. Patel, but Raj is on leave this week so I think you're safe." I was feeling cheeky.

"Patel? Who is he? What does he teach? You've never mentioned him before."

"He started a few months ago. He teaches history, and I was joking Ste."

"Too right you were joking. I don't share , and I won't lose you to anyone. You. Are. Mine." He wasn't shouting, but his tone had lost they playfulness it had only moments before.

I slipped my hand into his. " I know - it was just a joke." My voice was just above a whisper and I felt small again.

"Good. Hopefully, Mr. Patel and everyone else does as well."

He put his arms around me and kissed me.

"Fancy a coffee or tea before we get Matty?"

I wasn't really interested in a coffee or tea, but I thought it was in my best interest to agree.

* * *

Evening arrived and Ste's mood was light again, I was feeling airy as well, it had been too long since we had been out for an evening with other couples. I was excited for some adult company that was not family.

Mel and Cara Michaels lived just outside of Hollyoaks in a fairly well to do area. Their home was lovely. Both Mel and Cara worked in medicine Mel as a doctor and Cara as physician assistant, they had been together 12 years ,and had two children, sons Alex and Samuel ages 6 and 7.

Ste and I met their nanny Emma and Emma's helper for the evening her little sister ,Maya age 13, when we arrived. Emma was a lovely young woman and Matthew took to her instantly. Maya was adorable and eager to please her older sister and charmed the little ones with ease. In addition to Alex, Samuel, and Matthew ,Emma was also looking after Keira and Tim's daughters Ruby age 5 and Lola age 3.

Keira and Tim Banks were Mel and Cara's in-laws as Cara was Tim's sister. Tim and Keira had been married for 6 years. Tim was an English teacher and Keira a chef. Keira and Ste had met several times on work occasions.

Rounding out our party were Jack and Drew Carey-Williams. Jack and Drew had been together for 4 years Jack a Maths teacher worked with Tim and Drew a midwife worked with both Mel and Cara.

Of all our couple friend,s I enjoyed this group the most, everyone was easy going and we always had a nice time together. Unfortunately thanks to work, kids, and in the case of Ste and I ,a separation, we had not met with them in months.

Coming up from the lower portion of the house, where we had left Matthew with Emma and the other kids, we were greeted by a fantastic aroma.

"Something smells fantastic!" I exclaimed.

" It's Aji de Gallina." Cara informed.

Dinner was lovely the food excellent , the conversation flowed easily, and after a dessert of prosecco jelly we retired to the living room.

"Cara, the dinner was fantastic you did an amazing job!" Keira complimented our host.

"Yes, I think I could have finished the entire meal myself." I agreed with the professional chef.

"You nearly did potsy." Ste said and pat my stomach for emphasis,

"I'm glad you all enjoyed it. I learnt it at my cooking class, and figured I'd try it out tonight. You lot were my experiment." Cara said accepting our praise with a chuckle.

The conversation moved from food to parenting, as 3 out of the 4 couples present were parents there were endless kid stories to share.

Keira and Tim were expecting their third daughter and Jack and Drew had just chosen a surrogate for their first child, so naturally the conversation turned to Ste and I, and if we had plans for children together.

"We're planning on another little one or two, maybe twins a boy and a girl to make it a perfect half dozen." Ste answered for us.

Keira and Drew "awed"

"Your own Brady Bunch- You're better men than me. The thought of being a father to 3 has me shook. I can't imagine more" Tim quipped.

"Soon?" Cara pried.

"Whenever this one , he pointed at me, wants to give up the juice." Ste answered for us again. and laughed as though he were joking instead of being crass

"I'd love another little one, maybe when Matthew's a little older." I answered honestly hoping to break up the awkwardness that just entered the room.

"Yeah, we should probably get him sleeping through the night first, if any of you have any tips for that please share- JP could really use them."

" Well I don't know about tots, but a strong brew with a splash of whisky always does it for me." Everyone laughed at Jack's joke, and Mel took the opportunity to freshen our drinks.

While Mel poured beverages the rest of us broke off into conversations Tim and I had a chat about our work as English teachers, his stories of his students had me laughing, when I momentarily looked over at Ste he was frowning at me and looked a bit sad, so I excused myself from Tim, and went to Ste . I reached for his hand, and he stepped away from me.

We ended the evening by splitting into teams , couples playing on opposite teams,to play _Cards Against Humanity_ and _Reverse Charades_. Ste's team won both games. By the end of both games everyone but Ste was smiling and laughing, and we all agreed to meet again for another dinner party next month.

* * *

Matthew was asleep when the dinner party ended, he stayed sleeping as I carried him to our car and transferred him to his babyseat. Ste was still in a foul mood, he had rejected my hand again as we walked to the car, and was driving in silence.

"I had forgotten how much I like that group. Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" I asked cheerfully hoping to melt his icy attitude.

No answer.

"Ste!" I said a bit louder to get his attention.

"What are you shouting for?"

" I wasn't shouting. I-I thought you didn't hear me. I was asking if you had fun tonight?"

"I guess so."

"Your impressions were spot on- you had me in stitches."

"Yeah, I'm sure everyone just loved getting their eardrums split thanks to your stupid laugh."

"What?"

" Oh you didn't notice how annoying you were? I'm not surprised. You were too busy flirting and calling attention to yourself to notice everyone rolling their eyes and laughing **_at_** you. Honestly John Paul ,it's embarrassing. When are you going to grow up?"

" _Okay._ I -I don't know what I did wrong, Ste. If you're tired and rather not talk-"

He burst into laughter "You don't know what you did?"

"No I don't."

"Well let me help you remember."

He then proceeded to detail everything I had done wrong that evening, and describe everything he found offensive about me.

By the time we arrived home I was in tears. I put Matthew to bed, and decided to remain upstairs away from Ste and his wrath. I listened to music and started in on my new book, _All The Light We Cannot See, t_ hat Nancy had recommended to comfort myself.

Ste joined me half hour later. When he entered our room he held up his phone. He had left his phone behind in our haste to make the party on time.

"She's taking my baby." Apparently, Sinead had left a message telling Ste that she and Gavin had set a date and that Sinead, Gavin, and Hannah would be moving to Aberdeen in 6 weeks time.

Ste sunk down on our bed. He was completely shattered. My heart ached for him, I couldn't imagine being hundreds of miles away from my child.

I held Ste until he stopped crying, we slept together, and in the morning he acted as though I did not exist.

* * *

I had the day off work. I sent Matthew to nursery so I could use the day to get errands completed. I was not expecting to find Ste at home when I returned for lunch.

Ste was surprised to see me as well , a more accurate description might be irritated. His body language told me all I needed to know about his disappointment at seeing me walk through the door.

"This is a nice surprise! I didn't think I would be seeing you until this evening." I said brightly.

As expected, he remained silent, but I was determined not to let him get away with ignoring me.

I set my things down and went over to him.

"Things slow at The Hutch?"

Still no answer.

"Ste! I asked you a question."

"What are you doing here?" he made no attempt to cover his annoyance.

" I have the day off." I remained calm.

"It's amazing how much free time they give you at that place. I guess you aren't that valuable."

I was determined not to let Ste manipulate the situation into an argument.

"Maybe, but it works out today- as I get to have lunch with my husband." I leaned over the sofa to kiss him, and Ste rolled his eyes at me and turned his head.

I pretended not to notice both actions, and went to the kitchen to fix our plates.

"As you know ,we don't have much in- haven't gone shopping yet. I was planning to get Matthew a little early - he loves the trolleys,anyway, I decided to get take away." I walked back into the living room, and placed our plates on the table, and sat down next to Ste on the sofa. "I hope you don't mind splitting it!

"I couldn't decide between Chinese or Indian, I decided on Indian, but you won't believe what happened on my way-"

Ste pushed his plate away from him.

"My god! Do you ever shut up? Do you think I give a single fuck about whatever stupid ,and most likely boring, thing that happened while you got your lunch? Here's a hint , I really don't care at all."

I placed my fork on the table, and covered Ste's hand with my own.

" I know you don't mean that. At least I hope you don't. You're upset, and have a lot going on. I worry about you when you get this way- you hold it in and-" Ste looked away from me for a moment.

I brought my hand up to his face and gently brushed the hair out of his eyes.

"I just know it can't be easy for you, everything that is happening with Hannah,I get that you might want quiet now, but I want you to know you can talk to me- be open with me, you don't have to be strong for me- I'm your husband, I'm your safe place."

I thought I saw his face softening, there was a brief moment of vulnerability in his eyes, but just as quickly his blue eyes blazed. He grabbed my wrist jerking my hand away from his face, took me by the shoulders, and shoved me hard down into the sofa. He was pinning me down, and he got in my face shouting at me.

" Are you backward? How many more ways can I say it, eh ?" He slowed his speech mocking me- " I don't want to talk to you. I don't care what you think, about anything , especially about my kids!"

He shoved me once more, before leaving, knocking over the take away as he went.

Ste didn't come home that night. He didn't text me to let me know where he was, or what he was up to, and I didn't bother to try and contact him. I lied to Matthew telling him he was at work when he asked where his "Tee- Tee" was.

It was Sinead who informed me of my husband's whereabouts. Always the classy one ,she sent me a text that read " Your man is sleeping with a gorgeous gal." followed by a picture of Ste and Hannah asleep on the sofa,Hannah was curled against his chest. Her next text was " Oh and this happened...guess she's daddy's girl after all." what followed that text was a video of the 10 month old taking her first steps to Ste.

The next morning, I came downstairs to find a bouquet of flowers waiting for me with a note from Ste apologizing for his behavior, asking me to forgive him, and to call him later.

He called me first, and he apologized , and asked me to forgive him. I wanted to tell him off ,but I didn't. Instead I forgave him and listened to him tell me about Hannah and her first steps. We ended our conversation by making plans for dinner, and Ste promising to sort out care for Matthew.

* * *

I was late for dinner, I got held up at school and told Ste I would meet him at the restaurant where we had reservations.

I had anticipated Ste would be annoyed with me for being late and act out, but when I arrived he greeted me with a warm hug and kiss.

After going through the menu I decided I wanted calzone. Ste frowned over my choice, but said nothing, but made a huge deal over wanting to make healthy choices and selecting something less fattening for himself . Feeling guilty, I switched to a Caprese salad. When our server returned for our orders, I went first requesting my salad, and Ste ordered the calzone. I wasn't sure what he was playing at, but after the server left he proceeded to tell me about his day: work had been slow, but they had a major company that he could not name book them for catering, Leah and Lucas would be missing their visit due to being in a wedding, but they would be spending Easter with us, and that they may have talked Amy into getting a puppy, he told me again about Hannah and her first steps, and that he would be helping Sinead organize her wedding to Gavin- and that Sinead wanted Matthew as one of her ring bearers -because he was family as well- and then our food arrived. After we each received our plates, Ste offered me some of his calzone, and I accepted the tiny portion he gave me.

He asked me how my day had gone and I told him, the drama that occurred with a food fight in the canteen, abysmal oral presentations , and my lunch with Patrick.

I was in the middle of telling him about what I ate for lunch, and starting to feel like we were turning a corner in our relationship after all the tension of the last few weeks, when I noticed he was staring at me with a slight smirk on his face.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, do I have food in my teeth or something?."

"No."

"Well what is it then?" I reached across the table and took one of his hands -" something naughty?"

He covered my hand with his "No, actually I was thinking you look really ugly when you eat, and when you talk."

Not at all what I expected him to say.

"Why do you talk to me that way?"

"Oh come on John Paul! I was only teasin' ya. Don't take everything so seriously, and you have to admit your face can look a bit weird at times."

He looked at my fallen and unamused face.

"Oh come on! I"m only having a laugh. Lighten up, JP."

"Yeah, well I didn't think it was funny- it really hurts when you say things like that to me."

" Dear god here we go again! I'm sorry okay. Is that what you want?"

"What I want is to have a normal conversation with my husband." I looked around at the couples near us enjoying their meal and each others company. " I want to be like them- talking together , laughing, and being happy." I gestured to one of the pairs.

" I said I was sorry. Bad timing. What do you want me to do?"

"Just forget it."

We were quiet until our server returned and Ste ordered dessert for us, my favorite, tiramisu.

Our dessert arrived quickly ,and we ate in silence for several moments before Ste spoke

"How would you like to die?"

"Are you joking?"

"No- I dreamed last night that you had died- it was hilarious actually crushed by Hannah's pink elephant, and it had me thinking 'how would JP like to go?'. I was thinking probably in his sleep, it would be less painful for him , than say a shellfish poisoning."

"You are unbelievable."

"No it's all true! A fluffy pink elephant fell right on you, and you were flattened like a bug." Ste slapped his hand on our table for emphasis.

"This is a normal conversation to you?"

"You wanted me to talk to you. You wanted a nice light conversation, and I try, and now you are upset. I can't win with you."

"What is normal and light hearted about asking your husband how he wants to die?"

" I was sharing my dreams with you."

"You dream about me dying?"

"I had a dream, and I thought of you, and I thought this would be something to bring us closer. That is what you want right closeness , opening up to each other?"

"I can't with you Ste. I don't know what you're playing at." I said shaking my head.

" I'm not playing at anything. I'm giving you what you want I'm sharing my thoughts with you."

"That's not what I meant. You're twisting my words."

"You were the one to say I could talk to you about anything. You're my ' safe place' and here you are judging me."

"I'm not judging you."

"You are, and you wonder why I don't talk to you, Mr. Sensitive."

"Don't do that- don't call me names."

"I'm not.I'm describing you. You are a mister. You are sensitive. Are you not?"

I put my hands to my face in frustration.

"I really can't cope with this." I realized we were moments away from becoming _that_ couple everyone finds annoying when out.

"I can't cope with this!" he imitated -mocking me." at the same time he reached under the table and grabbed me.

"Stop it!" I said just a little too loudly, dropping my fork, and causing the people at the next table to stare at us."

"Jesus, John Paul, control yourself ! I can't take you anywhere, Mr. Sensitive. What's wrong with you? I thought you enjoyed my impressions!"

"You know- "I stopped myself ,recognizing I was giving him exactly what he wanted - me getting emotional , and a fight.

I lowered my voice to say "I just want to go, okay? I can't be here right now. I can't do this-"

"Why are you going to cry again? Cry like the little fa-"

Our server returned interrupting us, and Ste turned into a charmer again.

"Is there anything else I can get you gentlemen?"

"Just the bill. Got to get this one home. Someone had a very long day and is tired." Our server left for the bill Ste turned to me and said

"Isn't that right, Princess?"

* * *

Ste kept spewing his venom at me on our way home, he was nastier than he had been the night of the party. I said nothing to him, did my best to ignore him by focusing on getting home to Matthew, and controlling my emotions. I was determined not to cry in front of him.

We arrived home to find Cleo asleep on the sofa -TV and headphones on. She was embarrassed to be caught sleeping, but I reassured her and thanked her for watching my son, and insisted that Ste pay her for her time. With Cleo gone, I checked on Matthew who was snoring soundly in his cot, and Ste resumed his verbal assault, his words left me wishing he would hit me, at least with a beating it would be over and done with. He didn't let up until I was in tears and shaking. He then decided to comfort me, sat down beside me, and reached out to hug me.

I was really upset and put my hands out to stop him " I need space,Ste."

"Oh you need space." He grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me as he jerked me towards him. " It's fine for you to need space, but if I want a bit of quiet I get grilled. It's always about you- you really are a bitch!' He let go of me roughly, gave me a shove as he stood, and slammed the door to our room on his way out , so loudly it caused Matthew to wake up screaming.

* * *

Friday morning was terrible. I had the morning off work- my plan was to get a little done around the house, spend some time with Matthew,and then drop him with my mum for the afternoon-let him have a day off nursery, come back home and finish writing exams for my classes.

I got off to a late start. I overslept , and when I did get out of bed- Matthew was not in the mood to cooperate with anything, so I missed Ste's texts and voice messages.

He came home in a rampage- shouting and demanding to know what I was doing and why I had not answered him.

"You have this for a reason you know!" he shoved my phone in my face.

I was still angry about the night before and was in no mood to placate him. I lightly pushed the phone from my face.

"This may come as a shock to you, but I have things I need to do other than wait around to take your calls."

I turned and started to move away from him.

"Don't you walk away from me!" Ste struck the back of my head and I stumbled and tripped over his foot. I hit my head against the counter-top as I fell., and he kicked me when I hit the floor.

I was truly stunned. He had shouted at me and smacked me before in front of Matthew, but never did I think he would attack me while I was holding my son.

* * *

Thankfully, Matthew was unhurt, at least physically, however I had a nasty cut above my eye.

Ste left. I called out of work with an emergency, settled Matthew down for a nap, called my mum to cancel for sitting, and tended to my cut.

Somewhere between hitting the floor and singing Matthew to sleep I decided I was going to leave. I set about gathering things and started packing.

I had finished packing our bags, and was just about to call my mother when Ste returned.

He saw me with the bags packed and my phone in hand, and dropped to his knees and started sobbing. I had never seen him so upset.

He was asking and begging me to forgive him. He said I had every right to leave, that it made him sick to think he had lost his temper so badly that he could have hurt Matthew. He said that if anyone had done what he did while he was carrying Leah, Lucas, or Hannah he would put them in hospital.

He pleaded, and he looked so broken I gave into him and agreed to talk.

We sat down and he started apologizing again, and saying he knew how much of a screw up he was, and how he didn't deserve me or Matthew. He understood why everyone always left him. He was a horrible person- no one could love him, not even his mother. He brought up his childhood which I knew had been horrific, and I empathized with him. He talked about his father and Doug, which made my heart ache for him even more. He went on to say that he thought I was the only one who understood him, who cared about him, and if I could be a little more patient he would change. He swore that he would rather die than cause harm to Matthew even accidentally , and he promised to never hurt me in front of him again. He then cried even harder and said "Please John Paul- don't you love me? Don't leave me again. I couldn't handle it. I would die without you- you are my reason for living. Don't abandon me."

His last words stung I knew what it felt like to be abandoned, and I could never inflict that pain on someone I loved. I still loved Ste.

I told him that I loved him. I told him I wasn't planning to be gone long, I had just wanted a break , I was tired of the fighting and being hurt. I needed to clear my head,and figured a few days apart would do us some good. I knew he would never hurt Matthew. I wasn't abandoning him. I still loved him- deeply.

Ste apologized again and begged for forgiveness, and I forgave him again. He kept on crying , and told me how angry he was over the situation with Sinead and Hannah. He hated that he was going to be relegated to being a part-time dad again- just like with Leah and Lucas. I agreed with him that it wasn't fair. I held him as he cried, and I cried with him.

By the time Matthew got up from his nap, an hour later ,we had made up, had sex ,and unpacked all my bags.

Ste called out from work for the rest of the afternoon. He made certain Matthew still thought he was tops by taking him to the park and buying him ice cream. He made me dinner, and after Matthew was in bed we cuddled on the sofa, Ste rubbing at my sore spots comfortingly, he allowed me to choose my favorite TV shows, and told me repeatedly how much he loved me and needed me.


	9. A Sanctuary of Warmth & Peace

Saturday started out lovely. Ste and I planned to take Matthew to Odd & Ends , some of the parents at Matthew's nursery had told me there was a new display of vintage Thomas the Tank Engine trains at the shop, and I knew Matthew would be thrilled to see it.

Ste had to back out of our outing as something came up at the restaurant that he had to go and take care of, but he left Matthew and I a splendid pancake breakfast , and told me he wanted us to go and see the trains and have fun. He would catch up with us later.

We got a late start: oversleeping again , and Matthew first refusing to wear clothes and then insisting he could only wear the one shirt that was in the laundry pile all contributed to leaving the house 2 hours later than planned.

We arrived at the shop just as Mark was about to close up as he needed to finish preparing for his trip, but he was kind enough to remain open a little longer so Matthew could see the Thomas trains.

Mark had made changes to his shop since the last time I had been inside, the rows of antiques had been moved around, the place was still cluttered, but it still had that feeling of magic, like it was the one place in the world nothing was allowed to go wrong. It was truly peaceful.

The biggest change to the shop was a section that had been fashioned into a children's play area. The play area was designed to look like a tree house, and was outfitted with books, a variety of vintage toys, and a giant stuffed mouse wearing a tiara. Above the area was a wooden sign that read "Mouse's Corner". This section was where the trains were located.

Matthew was in heaven! He immediately saw the trains and started playing. Mark joined him for a bit asking him about the different trains and where they were going, and found some dollhouse people for Matthew to add to his game. Mark turned his attention to me asked how I had been.

I honestly didn't know how to answer that question. I shrugged and resorted to my standard reply " I've been busy."

Mark smiled.

"How is your husband- Ste?"

"He's well. Things are picking up for him at the restaurant-he's thinking they might be able to open another location soon. It's his dream come true. I'm really proud of him.

Before Mark answered , I heard Matthew whisper to the toys he was playing with "Daddy hurt daddy."

I could feel my cheeks starting to flush slightly, and hoped Mark hadn't heard him.

"Daddy hurt daddy." he said again, and a little louder , so there was no doubt in my mind Mark heard his words.

"Oh yeah?" Mark responded to him.

"Yep."

I pointed to the cut above my eyebrow " I tripped and fell, banged myself up pretty good. He saw it happen, and it gave him a fright." I said hoping Mark would believe I was translating my son's toddler speech and not attempting to cover an incident.

"Looks like daddy is all better." Mark consoled.

"Yeah all better." Matthew agreed as he continued to play.

I decided to change the subject and asked Mark about his trip. He told me he was going to be taking a few weeks to travel, visit, his mum, and he was going to act as MC for a charity dinner and auction.

I asked him the name of the charity and he it was called "Sunny Days' and he was about to explain it when Matthew knocked over my coffee.

I apologized, Mark laughed and went to get rags to clean up the spill. When he returned with the rags, I helped him to clean the mess ,and as we were cleaning , Matthew discovered the dress up clothes, and insisted I wear a feather boa and a pirate's hat. Mark found this hilarious.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and proclaimed " I look like a castoff from a Pirate's of the Caribbean ripoff. The things I do for you little boy."

Mark laughed again and said " I think I can top you." He disappeared to the back-room, and returned wearing the most hideous yellow print sports coat. I burst into laughter.

"Good god man! You look like a munchkinville reject!" Mark roared with laughter at my teasing.

"You are very funny John Paul."

"Why do you own that?"

"It's for the charity dinner." He paused for a moment carefully considering his words. "It's a special charity my family and I helped setup-"

Mark was interrupted again by Matthew ,this time placing a cowboy hat on his head, and commanding him to dance, which he did, an energetic jig that would make Dick Van Dyke proud.

Matthew giggled and went back to playing.

Mark and I started talking again, and I mentioned the talk he gave my students, complimenting him, he turned it around on me again saying I had great students, and they had a great teacher. I blushed at his praise and he asked me how long I had been teaching,so I told him.

It felt strange having someone be genuinely interested in what I did Monday to Friday. Mark was extremely easy to talk to, I found myself telling him about my dream of returning to school and perhaps becoming a professor or writing a novel. He didn't think me stupid - in fact he was very encouraging. I brushed his encouragement off saying "I'll probably not get around to it. That's a huge commitment, school and everything, and Matthew's still so young , and Ste and I want more children, we need the security of two jobs….maybe when I'm 60."

"Don't talk yourself out of it- don't let go of your dreams. You'd be great at both I know that."

I smiled politely "I'm not giving up. I'm just a realist- it's more of a posh daydream than an actual goal. Ste always says I'm always wanting something."

"Well, I'm sure he's proud to be married to you daydreams and all , and would love to support you the way you do him."

I smiled "Yeah ."

Matthew came back over to us tapped me on the shoulder and said" Your turn?"

"For what, baby?"

"Dance."

"Oh sweetheart , Daddy loves you, but I can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because your daddy is a terrible dancer, and I try not to embarrass myself in public."

Matthew appeared to consider this for a minute.

"Dance."

Mark chortled. "I believe you have your orders soldier."

So I danced and both Mark and my son laughed at me.

Matthew then insisted we all play "Ring a Ring o' Roses".

When that finished ,I told Matthew we needed to be going so Mark could close up shop and finish preparing for his trip.

Matthew asked to see the "bird bell." Mark obliged and took him behind his counter to see the giant cuckoo clock he was repairing. While Matthew was distracted I tidied up the play area and found his jacket.

From where I was I could hear them singing the "Tick Tock Cuckoo Clock " song. I looked up and saw that Matthew was completely enamoured with Mark.

I turned my head and noticed Ste outside the shop window. I smiled and waved to him.

He took his hand out of his pocket, fashioned his fingers like a gun , aimed at me, and fired.


	10. Your Protection From Harm

I took my time returning home, after departing Odds & Ends, I delayed the inevitable with a trip to the playground , then I bought Matthew and I sandwiches from Price Slice and we had an impromptu picnic in the park ,and fed the ducks after - Matthew loved it. We lingered in the shops for an additional hour or two, and finally Matthew grew antsy enough that I knew we had to go home.

As we walked I did my best to convince myself that Ste hadn't actually pretended to shoot me, and when that didn't work I did my best to convince myself he had been joking.

Upon arrival I paused outside the door to collect myself- I knew Ste was angry with me- I had tried to contact him several times , against my better judgement, and every text and voice message I sent had been ignored.

I thought about turning round and going to my mum's or Nancy's, but I didn't. It was getting late and I would have to explain turning up after tea uninvited. I wasn't in the mood to come up with a story and I didn't want to tell them I was afraid to go home- that I was scared of my husband and what he might do.

I stilled my breath, Matthew beside me was blissfully unaware,he stood pointing out the cracks in the stones and asking to ring the bell. My hand shook as I unlocked the door and turned the handle

Inside Ste had the stereo blaring. Matthew ran straight to him , and Ste scooped him up for a cuddle.

"Hey." I greeted shyly.

"Hiya." Ste replied and walked over to me and kissed me. "Did you and Matty have a nice time in town?"

" Yeah." I replied cautiously expecting I was walking right into a trap.

" Well don't keep me hanging! What did you boys get up to?"

" Stopped in the shops and went to the park and the playground.

"Pwicklenick!" Matthew shouted.

" You had a picnic did you! Sounds fun."

" It was nice...maybe we can do it as a family ... with Leah , Lucas, and Hannah next time." I suggested feeling more confident.

" I like that idea. Now go on and wash up, you're just in time for dinner -spaghetti and meatballs." He kissed Matthew's cheek " little one's favorite."

I smiled at Ste and took Matthew from him , and went to get us washed for dinner.

* * *

Dinner went smoothly and I promised to help Ste with the washing up after I got Matthew to bed.

" Sorry I took so long- the little guy wanted a song and the dragon story - twice."

" No matter. " Was Ste's reply as he handed me the drying towel.

We chattered back and forth for a time , talking about nothing in particular ,before I finally worked up the nerve to speak Ste about what happened earlier in the day.

" I'm sorry I upset you earlier."

" What are you talking about?"

" At Mark's shop… you were outside and… I waved" I lowered my voice to a whisper " and you pretended to shoot me."

Ste shook his head in denial. " Naw, you've got it all wrong. I wouldn't do a thing like that."

There it was he had trapped me I was not going to insist he had done exactly what he denied. This was not a new game . Ste would deny and then accuse me of being a liar and more often than not we would end up in a fight, and if we fought I usually ended up with a bruise or two. Worse than the bruises, Ste had a way of doing my head in to the point I was left feeling uncertain about what I was certain had taken place, it was as if I didn't know my own mind.

I wasn't interested in a fight or more bruises, so I remained silent.

" Are you feeling guilty?" Ste asked handing me a dish.

I shook my head and kept my eyes on the dish I was drying.

" Then what are you saying sorry for?"

" I guess- I guess I'm just confused." I could feel my throat drying.

" Naw" Ste shook his head. " I don't think you're confused at all." He handed me the last dish and I dried it still avoiding looking at him.

" You see I saw you John Paul. I watched you dancing, and smiling with him-"

I looked up at Ste wide eyed.

" It's not like that. It wasn't like that. We were just playing with Matthew. Matty had these games he wanted us to play." My words tumbled out as I desperately tried to explain.

Ste took my entire hand in his.

" I thought you'd say that J. P. - I'm not surprised."

I looked down again " It was just games. Honest Ste, Matty wanted to play and-" I was disgusted by the tremble I heard in my own voice. No wonder Ste loathed me I was pathetic.

" I'm not angry."

" You're not."

"No." He gently lifted my chin so I was forced to lock eyes with him.

" I'm not angry with you because I know how hard it is for you. You've never been the smartest when it comes to men, and I'm sure you don't even see it."

" See what?"

" Mark is trying it on with you. You're a decent guy always wanting to see the best in folks but I know his kind."

" Do you think so ? Really? I mean he's-"

Ste interrupted me " The book, speaking to your class, the interest in Matty. The signs are all there JP. And no offence John Paul, but he's probably heard about you."

" Me?"

" Yes. That you're - you know."

"What?"

" A bit easy."

"Ste! What? I would never!"

" I know that, but you do have that reputation- and to be honest why else would he want to spend time with you?"

I wanted to deny everything Ste was saying about Mark. I wanted to tell him that I had lots in common with him, but I didn't , instead my mind went blank and I found myself nodding along like a dummy.

" I hate to ask you this JP-"

" What?"

" I would like you stay away from Mark- it's not that I don't trust you. It's him I don't trust. I just don't want anyone hurting you or embarrassing you. After everything you've been through... I've got to protect you. God I sound like such a freak! "

" I didn't realize you were bothered so much by me visiting."

Ste sighed and took me by the shoulders.

" Sorry babe. Forget I said anything . I'm being a drama queen."

" No. No you aren't… you have the right to care... I can- I can stay away."

" You don't mind? I know how you love all that old junk. I just can't shake the feeling that he's no good."

" I won't go anymore." I promised barely able to look at Ste.

" I'm glad you understand - I felt like an arse bringing up, but we're husbands and we're supposed to look after each other."

" Yeah. Of course. I didn't realize you….I didn't think he..."

Ste kissed me.

" Don't worry your pretty little head about it ,I can overlook this little mistake of yours- **this time.** But, if I ever catch you with him again- I won't be so understanding. Okay?" He squeezed my wrist harder with every word as emphasis to his warning.

I was confused at how we had arrived at the conclusion I had done something wrong and made a mistake, but I didn't challenge him I nodded along blindly in agreement hoping he wouldn't hurt me beyond squeezing my wrist.

" Good. " Ste loosened his grip on my wrist and took my hand and took the dish from my hand and placed it in the cupboard

" Now lets talk about how you'll be thanking me."


	11. Your Comforter & Defender

Ste lay in my arms staring at the sunlit sky.

"This is the worst day of my life." he spoke, his voice full of melancholy

At least now he was talking instead of sobbing ,he had spent most of the evening and early morning in tears.

I sat quietly massaging his forehead and stroking his hair.

" Me own flesh and blood - gone again... I'm alone." he released a heavy sigh.

" You're not alone. You've got Leah, Lucas, Matthew, Peri, Leela, Tegan, my entire nutty family, and you have me. You're definitely not alone. " I kissed the top of his head before continuing.

" And Sinead has promised to bring her for visits often- and we'll go up there every holiday, and her birthday is in just a few weeks we'll be there for that. There's Skype and Facetime and anytime you want you can go see her, I'd never stand in the way of that."

"Why are you so sweet to me? How is it you always know exactly what I need to hear? "

" Probably because I love you."

" It's probably because you're damn near perfect and I'm still trying to figure out what good I done to get to be the lucky sod who has you- because from where I stand I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that." I said as my cheeks turned pink.

I smiled despite my protest. This was a nice change- hearing Ste's affection and praise for me. The weeks since I had been forbidden to visit Mark's store had been tough.

Ste had taken all his anger , frustration, and sadness at Hannah's impending departure out on me. Nothing physical, but he had been cruel to me in other ways.

" I just did. What are you going to do about it?" was his cheeky reply.

He didn't give me a chance to answer before he reached up and pulled me down for a lingering kiss. We were interrupted by a knock on the door followed by loud shushing and Leah's voice in a kid's whisper saying " Don't do that daddy is sleeping. We aren't supposed to wake him mummy said."

" But, I want to show him my new braces." Lucas objected in a whisper as loud as his sisters.

" Okay ,but knock more softly." " Like you have home training." she added sagely.

Then there were 3 more gentle raps on the door.

" Are you awake daddy?" Lucas asked

"If you are can we come in?  
"May we?" Leah corrected.

" May we please come in." Lucas pleaded.

" Come on in the door's open" Ste invited.

The kids didn't need to be asked twice, our bedroom door swung open and the kids bounded onto our bed.

The next few minutes were spent in a flurry of chatter all about the wedding excitement: Lucas's new braces, Leah's poofy swirly dress that matched Hannah's dress ,and a strategy to eat the maximum amount of cake.

The kids were interrupted by Amy's appearance at the door, she and the kids had arrived last evening for the wedding, and spent the night.

" Sorry. I told them not to disturb you."

" It's alright we were up." I answered.

" Come on you hooligans- you need to have some breakfast, and Leah we need to get started on your hair."

The kids reluctantly climbed out of our bed and raced towards their mum.

" See you boys in a bit." Amy said before closing the door.

Seconds later the door opened again and Leah poked her head round the crack.

"I'm getting my hair done like Elsa from Frozen."

" Leah get here!"

The door slammed shut as Leah ran to mind her mother.

Ste and I chuckled.

"Thank you for being so beautiful to me these last weeks. I know I've treated you like shite So I want to tell you now I'm sorry and I love you."

" Why wouldn't you? Seeing how I'm perfect and all that." I teased him as I got out of bed and head towards our washroom.

" You're an arse, but I love you." he kissed my cheek and then went downstairs to join Amy and the kids for breakfast.

* * *

"Thank God you're here!" was how Sinead greeted us.

"Did you think we wouldn't show?" Ste teased.

" That's not really a possibility when we're bringing at least a third of the wedding party and the DJ for the evening." I said coming into the house and greeting Sinead with a kiss.

" I'm having jitters. You know? I'm anticipating something going wrong- it's almost going too perfectly." She confessed.

"Having second thoughts are we? Because it's not too late you know."

"Ste !" I scolded him mildly.

Sinead smacked him playfully on the shoulder " You're a naughty one aren't you? I know Gavin's it for me. He's well- you two know how it is ."

She sighed happily. " I just can't wait for us to start our lives together in Scotland it's going to be magical."

Ste smiled at her, but I could see the sadness in his eyes.

" Right then where should I set up? " I asked hoping to change the mood.

" Gavin's Uncle Leo will show you. Oi ! Leo!"

* * *

The wedding was beautiful Gavin's Great Aunt Joyce's garden made the perfect backdrop. Sinead's colors were purple and blue which saw Hannah and Leah dressed in sky blue and lavender tutu dresses with giant matching flower headbands, Matthew and Lucas in powder blue suits, Gavin had streaked his mohawk with blue and purple for the occasion , and Sinead looked lovely dressed in a pale blue frock with a purple petticoat.

The vows, which Sinead and Gavin wrote themselves, weren't long , but they were heartfelt and had more than a few guests, myself included, wiping away a tear or two.

As the priest began the "Do you" portion of the ceremony Ste took my hand and mouthed " Always." to me.

From their first dance , Tom Odell's " Grow Old With Me" The reception was wild and loud just like Gavin and Sinead, and though I hate to admit it also a bit sweet. With the drama that had occurred between Ste, Sinead, and me firmly behind us, I was genuinely happy for the newly wed couple. I was not happy with the selection of music I'd been asked to play and was more than happy when my portion of the events came to an end and Gavin's band which he had with his brothers took over the musical entertainment.

Ste was in a great mood- on the dance floor from the time the music started, he even got me to dance with him. After a few dances he excused himself to the loo. I wanting to escape the horrible singing due to karaoke , ended up chatting with Gavin's uncle and cousin about football.

My favorite of Sinead's cousins , Scott worked his way into our conversation- I'm not sure how, and I took that as my cue to work my way out. As I moved away from the guys, it occurred to me that Ste had not returned from the toilets, so I went to look for him.

* * *

I found Ste in Aunt Joyce's bedroom.

" There you are! I've been looking all over for you. Last I saw you were headed for the toilet."

He didn't answer.

" Lost your way, eh?"

" I needed some quiet. I got tired of the crowd and the noise, and didn't want to ruin everyone else's good time."

" And what better place to find peace and quiet than the bedroom of a pensioner." I joked before adding. " Should you - should we be in here?"

" Two more hours and my baby girl is gone."

I walked over to him and joined him on the bed. I noticed the beer bottles on the floor, but decided against confronting him about it.

Taking his hand I said" First thing when we get home ,we'll go over our calendar and mark out time for a visit. In the mean time, why don't you get back down there and get in all the cuddles and kisses you can."

Ste leaned into me, and took my face in his hands and kissed me - I could taste the beer and his dinner.

" I'd rather stay up here- with you." He said and then quickly pulled me in for another deep kiss.

I pulled back slightly

"Ste we really should, go back down. "

" They won't miss us."he started in on my neck

" The wedding , Ste. Hannah!"

He silenced me with another kiss to my lips. It was clear he had no interest in talking about his daughter or returning to the reception.

"You are looking _so_ **good** tonight Mr. McQueen. Did you do something to your hair?"

I'm ashamed to admit that made me feel good. Ste had spent the better part of a week pointing out my flaws and what he found unattractive about me, so for him to notice my hairstyle and outfit and like them was something.

" I've been growing it out a bit." I said sheepishly.

" Well I like it." he said in kind of a low growl before kissing me again ,and wrapping his arm around me in lowering us onto the bed.

I wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with his actions, but I figured a few moments of making out certainly wouldn't hurt anybody. Plus Ste seemed to need it, and I could do that much for him.

After a few moments of kissing , I felt him flicker open the bottom buttons of my shirt and his hands caressing the bare skin of my abdomen.

" Don't ever leave me J. P." He whispered.

I nodded into his kiss, and he seemed to take that as reassurance of my loyalty and also as a go ahead signal- because the next thing I felt was him fumbling with the fastener and zipper to my trousers as he kissed my neck and the side of my face.

" Ste , wait." I said. He continued on as if he didn't hear me. " Ste!" I said again louder , this time thumping him on his shoulder. He moved his mouth back up to my lips in effort to shut me up .

I gave him a hard shove off of me sending him on his back .

He rolled towards the headboard with a groan and cursed at me. " What was that?"

" I should be asking you the same thing. You didn't honestly think we would… here..at Sinead's wedding… in a random house ...in Joyce's bed."

" You didn't seem to have a problem with any of that a minute or two ago. I bet you don't even have a good reason not to ."

" I'll give you two: for one thing on the very long list of why not - anyone could walk in and it's wrong."

Ste huffed and rolled his eyes at me.

" I didn't bring you up here, John Paul. You came up here on your own . I told you I wanted to be alone , and you stayed- so don't get all high and mighty with me! I'm not going to apologize for wanting to have a little fun with my husband. Live a little you might surprise yourself and enjoy life!"

" I'm not doing this here . Call me boring or whatever. See you when I see you." I stepped towards the door.

" Go on and leave then."

My heart sank at his words and I walked back towards him.

"I'm not going anywhere. I know how hard things have been for you the last month or so."

He turned away from me. " Just go John Paul."

" I came looking for you because I care. I'm standing here because I care."

Ste laughed.

" I think I missed the joke. What's so funny?"

" I'm laughing at myself- I'm an idiot."

" Don't say that- you're not. You're sad and angry" " and drunk." I said looking at the empty bottles. " You need someone to talk to."

Ste shook his head " Nah I'm done with talking." he said bitterly.

" Or , we don't have to talk if you don't want to."

He looked up at me

" We don't need to go down just yet we could stay up here for while longer. They won't miss us."

I said as I rejoined him back on the bed, covered his hand in mine and kissed his cheek.

He reached up and pulled my head towards his for a kiss.

"You're the best." he murmured before kissing me again this time slowly starting to massage my thigh as he did.

I pushed myself away. " That's not what I meant , I meant we could just sit, and -"

My speech was interrupted by a slap from Ste.

I looked at him stunned as I held the side of my face.

" What's that face for? I told you to piss off didn't I?. I'm not interested in just sitting, so if you're not going to be a proper husband to me you can fuck off. I mean it get out of here!"

I left.

* * *

Before returning to the reception I stopped at the toilet to splash cold water on my face to mask that I'd been crying, and to even out the redness on my cheek from the slap.

Fortunately, no one had noticed how long I had been gone ,everyone was focused on Gavin who was performing his fire breathing act.

I wanted to drink and forget everything- but I couldn't instead I went to claim Matthew. Poor Matthew ,who Amy was so kindly looking after ,had fallen asleep. I thanked her for her help.

" No problem. I hope you had a nice time." She winked.

"Oh god no!"

"Don't be embarrassed you and Ste aren't the only lovebirds this wedding is getting to, you just missed Diane and Uncle Leo being caught out in the kitchen."

I turned up my face in mock shock and laughed along with her.

Ste rejoined the wedding about an hour later. I watched him go through the room happy as can be engaging in various conversations.

At one point I went to stand beside him he said nothing to me but acknowledged my existence with a nod. I reached for one of his hands and he shoved them away from me, and into his pockets.

I was about to leave when one of the group Ste was speaking to made a comment that piqued my interest. I turned back to give my opinion just as Ste started to speak.

I stopped and told him to go first. He insisted that I go on and complete my thoughts which I did, and when I got done speaking he said-

" Are you finished?"

I nodded.

" That's good ! Now you can shut up , piss off ,and never fucking interrupt me again."

He then laughed to show the rest of the group he was messing.

Though I laughed along with the others, I knew he hadn't been joking at all.

* * *

Somehow we made it back home in one piece- thankfully Ste had sobered up by the end of the festivities, and I was able to avoid a confrontation with him over drink driving.

He did snap at me with nasty remarks once or twice more before we left for the night. He didn't bother to pretend he was joking. I chalked it up to him having to say goodbye to Hannah within the half hour so he was on edge, and made as though his words didn't sting.

Diane and Scott heard it and I was certain everyone in town would know about it by morning to cover up her indiscretion.

Scott just made that ridiculous face at his and pretended to claw me. I ignored him, and instead focused on my husband.

I whispered into Ste's ear " Why couldn't he be the one to move to Aberdeen?" which brought a smile to his face.

Once in the car I decided to put all my annoyance and hurt feelings behind me, and check in with Ste.

I knew he wasn't going to talk to me about Hannie, so I asked him what he thought of the wedding in general.

He pretended not to hear me and turned the music up. I turned it down again and asked if he had seen Gavin fire breathing. He turned the radio back up. I turned it down and told him I thought the band was pretty good for amateurs and that sometimes I wished I stuck with music.

He turned the music up full volume and then down a few notches realizing he was bothering Matthew, and after a few moments all the way down. I took that as an olive branch.

" The food was good too. Though Mexican was a bit of an odd choice, but good. I enjoyed it."

Ste shook his head and mumbled " Of course you did, Porky ." under his breath.

" What was that?" I asked evenly.

" I said Gavin's cousin ,Jamie , was flirting with me all night. A fun guy he is. Real free and easy type you can tell-not someone with a ton of hang ups. And fit too!" There he let out a low whistle. God! Sometimes I question my life -and my choices." He finished by giving me one of those looks that he had become so good at- the look that let me know he thought I was hideous."

"How many sweeties did you stash to bring back home then?"

" None actually."

He laughed " Yeah right. What's in the box then?"

" A cupcake for Matthew he missed getting it with the other children because he was sleeping." I realized I was getting more upset than I needed to be.

He laughed again " I'm sure you'll have no problem splitting it with him 80/20 ,right Potsie? Honestly, JP you should be ashamed of yourself. It's disgusting. You're disgusting you should join a gym or something. I mean look at you , sneaking sweets from a wedding claiming it's for your kid."

I turned the radio up this time, and pretended to fall asleep. I wasn't going to let him see he brought tears to my eyes for a second time that night.

After Ste's comments, the remainder of our drive home was icy- Frighteningly silent. I was grateful Matthew was sleeping and that Leah and Lucas were with their mum.

Once at home I went upstairs to put my son to bed, and Ste remained on the lower level. That night, Ste stayed on the couch ,and I slept in the chair in Matthew's room. If for some reason Ste woke up during the night in the mood for whatever, I knew he'd leave me be in there,but he didn't come up.

* * *

In the morning, Ste continued to be vile to me and when I called him out on it he switched to freezing me out.

We had to go to my family's place for a gathering of some sort so I needed him to be civil.

I begged him to behave to which he replied

" Of course I will it's not your family I'm pissed at. Is it?"

The trip over was awkward, Matthew walked between us chattering away about everything, and singing his nursery songs. I suppose I wasn't paying close attention to what he was saying, I'm not sure it mattered he only seemed to care that we obliged when he asked Ste and I to " wing me."

Upon our arrival to the funeral, fake funeral, christening, or whatever it was we were gathering for, I can't remember, Ste scooped up Matthew and brought him into the house - sure to gain the attention of the ladies and have everyone crowing about him being a great daddy.

He was a good dad I conceded to myself ,so he deserved whatever praise he got for that.

It was his role as a husband I was questioning at the moment.

We spent most of the evening avoiding each other, until mum cornered us wanting all the wedding gossip.

" Apparently Diane got off with Gavin's uncle." I offered.

My mum's eyes lit up.

" Yeah, but I don't know much about it I was upstairs with Ste so we missed it."

Nana let out a whistle. " Weddings always get me hot as well."

I shook my head " TMI Nana. T-M-I."

" Well la ti da Mr. Posh and Fancy"

" Don't mind him Marlena. He's a bit of a grump. We all know you would _never_ do anything like that so you can relax good boy."

I gave him a sideways glance of annoyance.

" How was your return to being a dj?" Mum asked attempting to change the subject realizing she hit a sore spot.

" Um, it was alright. I wish I had been given a broader spectrum for music, but Gavin and Sinead have specific tastes. Other than that it was like getting back on the bike."

Ste sniggered " You'd know all about that wouldn't you?"

Since cussing my husband out wasn't an option, I excused myself with " Right. I'm going to get lunch together- **for the kids**." I added the last part in defense against Ste , and got to my feet to go inside the house..

From the corner of my eye I saw Ste smirk and I waited for the snide comment about my eating habits or my weight, but it didn't come.

Instead the conversation turned to his business and plans for expansion.

* * *

After the meal I offered to do the washing up as well in effort to keep my distance from Ste, and to my surprise my husband volunteered to help me.

"What's with you? " he asked.

"Me? " I responded in disbelief,

" Yeah you seem a bit tense."

" Maybe it's because you're keen at having a go at me when I thought we agreed to press pause for the day."

" We did, and I have. Which Is why I'm confused by the attitude you're giving me."

" Oh please Ste ! Every other word out of your mouth this afternoon has been a dig at me."

" I'm afraid I don't know what your talking about."

" Don't do that. You know exactly what I mean."

Ste looked at me as if he were confused.

" Your comment to Nana. Me being a bicycle."

" Oh that. That wasn't anything . You need to lighten up a little not everything is an attack."

" Admit it you're still angry I wouldn't have sex with you last night."

" Keep your voice down."

" Now you're worried about someone catching us."

" I thought we weren't going to do this here."

I sighed realizing I had fallen for his game yet again.

"You're right let's just finish up."

Ste pulled a face at me, but didn't object to our renewed cease fire.

We worked in silence for a few minutes before I tested the truce with what I thought was an innocent comment about Ste and Tony's plans to franchise.

I asked if f he had heard anything from their contact who was interested in opening a restaurant in Dublin.

" Hopefully we'll hear something by Wednesday." he paused. " I bet you would have let him."

" What?" I asked genuinely bewildered.

" Craig. Last night."

I scoffed. " What is wrong with you?"

" I didn't hear you deny it."

" That's because my ex- a man I haven't seen in years has absolutely nothing to do do with anything happening here and now."

" Ok. Answer me this then, if you had been with Mark instead of me, would you have let him?"

" Do you hear yourself? How ridiculous you are being ? How immature and insane you sound?"

" Answer my question."

" I haven't seen Mark in weeks, because you asked me not to, and you bring him up now as proof of what exactly?"

" So you're not denying it."

" No. No I wouldn't. But maybe. Maybe I should give him a ring and see if he's up for it this evening. You're so certain something has happened between us, it may as well actually happen. I'll even film it for you since it's on your mind so often it must be a fantasy of yours." I knew I was treading on thin ice, but I didn't care I was fed up with Ste's behavior.

Ste took his hands out of the water and stepped towards me

" You slag!" he hissed at me through clenched teeth, and I cowered and started to back away. having lost the nerve I possessed only seconds before.

" Oi!" Mercedes called from the kitchen entrance.

Ste stopped in his tracks and flicked water at me as if we had been playing around . I flinched as the water droplets landed on my skin.

I could feel the pink creeping up from my neck to my cheeks. I had no idea how long she'd been standing there.

"You boys forgot a few." She stepped into the room placing glasses on the counter.

"He'll take care of it." I stated as I flung the drying towel aside and made my way back outside to join the rest of the family.

* * *

After a few moments, Mercedes joined me outside, and sat beside me

" Is everything alright between you and Ste ? I saw how you flinched in the kitchen earlier, and just now- the way he spoke to you. She lowered her voice "And I heard about last night- how he was treating you."

"We're fine. We're just a bit stressed out with kids and work and all that." I answered sharply.

She narrowed her eyes at me and frowned

" Ste and I are in rough patch." I admitted " But that's how relationships are right?"

"Is he hitting you?" Mercedes asked and I was a little taken aback.

What should I say? How do I answer? Do I have to answer? Of course I had to answer- She had that look in her eyes that told me she would keep at it until she was satisfied. So I thought about it-

Technically he didn't hit me _that often_ , and when he did it wasn't _that bad_. Sure there were sometimes bruises or a bloodied lip or nose, but I'd never been to hospital for any of his slaps or punches. There was also the fact that I had hit him as well- before we got together. We weren't that different. I rationalized

"No, not really." I replied and looked at my shoes.

"Which is it then? No or not really because there's a big difference."

"No."

"And he was treating you like dirt last night at the wedding because-?" she prompted.

"You got it wrong. Diane-"

"Diane weren't the one who told me."

" Last night was just a one off. He'd been drinking and-"

" Uh! Isn't he supposed to be sober?"

" He is. If you'd let me finish Mercedes, he just had a bad night with Hannah leaving. He was a bit stroppy as all." I defended

"I hope you're being honest John Paul."

" I said no didn't I?"

"Why can't you look at me then? If he's hurting you I'll-?"

"You'll what Mercedes? Bash his head in? It's funny don't you think accusing my husband of being a batterer and here you are threatening him with violence. "

"You're my little brother- and if I think something isn't right. I'm going to say something. Ste has a history John Paul. You can't be mad at me for thinking-"

" For once in your life Mercedes mind your business! I'm not your little bro . I'm a grown man, and I can take care of myself. Perhaps you should learn to keep a relationship yourself before you go butting into mine!" I was heated, it was one thing for me to analyze my relationship with Ste quite another for someone else , especially Mercedes of all people, to do so.

I stormed off abruptly. Now I had another problem, Mercedes. Mercy never was good at being told to leave off. I was certain she would keep prying , I didn't know how Ste would react to being confronted by her. -which wouldn't help me at all.

I buried my face in my hands.

"God! What if she already said something to him when I left them together?" I worried to myself, before hurrying inside back to Ste.

I wished I had never come to the party.


	12. To Meet You Halfway & Compromise

I collided into Ste as I passed through the front door.

"Jesus! Watch where you're going eh?"

"Sorry." I tried to get a look at his eye, but he jerked away from me.

" Maybe you should get some peas out of the freezer or something-"

" Stop hovering, I'm fine -your giant head just took the wind out of me. Why were you in such a hurry anyway? Trying to get a head start on the desserts?"

I bit my lip " No. I… I came to check up on you."

" Check up on me? Afraid I get into your mum's booze first? In case you've forgotten I'm sober"

I chose not to remind him I caught him drinking only the night before.

I shook my head. " No, of course not. I ran off on you, and I left you with Mercy. I didn't mean to sic her on you. I wanted to make sure she hadn't ripped your head off"

Ste waved his hand as if brushing me a side. " I'm used to it, your sister being a bitch is nothing new you know. It's you who's getting to me."

" I know." I sighed and suddenly found the rug pattern extremely interesting.

"I'm getting a little tired of every time you get a little annoyed with me you go stomping off all stroppy-like you're a girl or something."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to "I looked up from studying the pattern on the rug.

"You never do. I know Mercedes went after you. I bet you two had a nice chat. Did you tell her everything? She promise to beat me up for her poor baby brother?"

" No. No. I told her to butt out." I managed to get out as my voice grew hoarse as Ste approached me.

"That's good. Because before you go running to your sister telling her how horrible I am , you should remember I'm the one who wanted you back. The one who wanted you after you made a complete whore of yourself and even your family thought you were an ass , and wanted nothing to do with you. Remember that."

I knew that wasn't completely true- things had been awkward for a bit with my family, but they hadn't disowned me, but I had felt lonely. I didn't voice my thoughts to Ste.

He was now just inches from my face and I forced myself not to flinch.

I tried to remain calm surely he wouldn't hit me with my family just outside the door." I'm sorry about everything- about before - having an attitude with you earlier... I-I don't know what I was thinking... Ste honestly I told her nothing."

" I don't know what you were thinking either." He moved suddenly and I readied my face for his punch or slap.

His hands made contact with my face, but he didn't strike me. Instead he held the sides of my face in his hands, firmly so I was forced to look at him, and just as rapidly ,he kissed me.

He pulled away slightly his hands still grasping my face. " That's good"

" It is?" I asked still shocked he had kissed me instead of smacking me.

" I'm- glad our marriage means as much to you as it does to me."

" Of course it does Ste! I love you and- "

He then lean forward and caught my mouth with another rough kiss, crashing his lips against mine and then slowly he became more gentle and I melted into him-at first it was out of relief he had chosen not to knock me about and then became about desire.

Soon Ste had taken me by the hand and lead me to the sofa. Once on the sofa, it was clear he was intent on finishing what he had started the night before.

"Ste" I breathed and struggled to find words to complete my sentence my thoughts grew foggier by the second.

"Someone could… my family...we...we should. we should stop."

"Well go on ... stop me then... Any time that you like."

" I..let's.. go home." I managed between his kisses.

"And tell them what exactly? That we're tired from the wedding?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"No. I don't want to leave, and I don't think you do either. You see, if we go home you'll get busy with Matthew or marking or whatever. I'm not taking any chances. We'll be quick. no one will come in, and if they do so what- it's nothing they haven't seen before. I want you here, right now. , and it seems to me that's the way you want it too." He leaned over kissing me again. " So what's it going to be John Paul?" he planted another kiss.

I turned my head from him.

" Stop, Ste. Please stop."

Ste stopped with a huff.

" Are you really doing this again? I wish you would make up your goddamn mind , if you want me or not- 'cause I have to tell you it's pretty confusing being your husband right now, Mr. Hot and Cold." As he spoke he got up from the sofa and walked to the door. " I think you enjoy messing with me. You know what you are , McQueen? A fucking tease. It's like you don't care about me at all. You don't even like me, forget about loving me." his hand clutched the doorknob.

I had really done it now, I couldn't afford to anger him a third time. I thought back to the slap last night, if I wasn't careful there was certain to be more of that," or worse. Even though he had been gracious about Mercedes ,I knew I was treading on thin ice- I owed him.

Ste!." I called after him and he ignored me.

"Ste, wait, please. Talk to me. I said we could go home."

" Save it JP. I'm not interested in another apology or chit chat about our feelings or some other shite. It's pretty clear how you feel about me ...where I rank with you."

" We could go upstairs." I blurted out.

That caught his attention. "Are you saying?"

"Yeah. I answered crossing over to him " Everyone's outside so the bedrooms are empty."

" Are you serious right now? "

"Yeah, Yeah, We can finish what we started." I gave him a quick peck.

He kissed me back . " You're the best , JP !. I love you." He grabbed my hand and practically dragged me up the flight of stairs. " I love you too." I said to the back of his head.

* * *

We returned to the party just in time to catch my Nana and Theresa battling it out on the dance floor, no one seemed to have noticed, or at least were polite enough not to comment about our absence. Ste was the perfect gentleman the remainder of the party, he catered to me, almost to the point where his attentiveness was almost uncomfortable. His ministrations did not go unnoticed by two members of my family, both Mercedes and Porsche rolled their eyes, I'm certain their reasons for doing so were entirely different.

Once home I put Matthew to bed .

"I don't know what's gotten into him. He was dead tired when we brought him home. As soon as I carry him upstairs he's wide awake with every excuse in the book. I go through his routine, and finally get him settled into bed, and You won't believe what he told me just now?"

" What's that?"

" He said he couldn't sleep because the moon was watching him, and he needed to keep an eye on him. What do you even say to that?"

Ste snorted with laughter. "Cheeky one he is. Just you wait till he turns 3, then the fun really starts."

" Oh joy!"

"Come here." Ste beckoned grabbing hold of my hand and leading me to our bedroom. Once there he sat me on the bed with a quick kiss a " Be back in a sec." and then went rummaging through our closet.

After a few moments of banging and clanging around I called out to him in curiosity " What are you doing?"

" You'll see in a minute." my interest grew , and by the time Ste reappeared I had imagined all manner of things.

"Here." he offered me an old Britney Spears CD.

"Uh okay? Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Open it." he prompted gently.

"She's not really my style, but-"

"Just open." he urged impatiently.

I pried open the case, and out fell Liverpool season tickets.

"Ste! How did you? This is too much."

" Let's just say we had a client who was very satisfied with our work, and wanted to thank us. I was going to wait to give it to you-surprise you on our one year back together in a few months, but I figure you deserve it now. Do you like it?"

" I love it" I sat in disbelief turning Ste's gift in my hands " but, I don't deserve it .You should have chosen something for yourself- something to make you happy. You're the one who did all the work."

"Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy. You're my best friend. Without you I wouldn't be working, you're the reason I got my head straight. Got clean. You've done so much for me- you don't even know. You given me so much- I could stand to give you a little more. I just wanted to find some small way to show you how much you mean to me."

"So tickets?"

" Yeah, and at every game next season when you're sitting in them fancy tier 1 seats, you can think about me, and how much I love you. You're my best friend, my better half"

" Ste I'm-"

"Perfect. Amazing."

" No I'm sorry... about before."

He put a finger to my lips, and kissed my cheek.

" I don't want to talk about before. All that's behind us -okay? I only want to talk about us, and you, how much I love you-how I plan on showing you that everyday, and how going forward we're not going to let anything or anyone or anything get in our way."

Ste then cupped my face with his hands and drew me into a lingering kiss to punctuate his renewed commitment to me.

He pulled back slightly " Okay? No more apologies."

I nodded and leaned towards him to kiss him "Okay."


	13. A Friend For All Days

**The following chapter contains language and situations that may be triggering to some readers.**

* * *

The following weeks with Ste were absolute heaven, he showered me with love and affection, he had not raised a hand against me or said a harsh word to me.

The only downside to Ste's 180, was he insisted on having sex , every morning and every evening, he had read it does wonders for a relationship. Our morning session meant at least three out of five days a week I was late for work. Patrick was not pleased and he had a word with me about my tardiness more than once.

I chose not to speak to Ste about it- I wasn't keen on changing anything he had been wonderful , and I was going to do my part to keep him that way, and if morning sex made him happy,being tardy for work, and a lecture from Patrick was a small price to pay.

It wasn't as though Blake had threatened my job, so I had no reason to worry or upset Ste.

Related to that, I had spent the last month and a half trying to come up with a meaningful gift for Ste. I had been touched by his gift of the season tickets , and I wanted to return the favor.

Three weekends ago we had attended Hannah's first birthday in Aberdeen it had been a lovely event. The theme was lavender and lace, and Sinead and Gavin in their style , from pony rides on featuring lace laden saddles to Hannah's tiny toenails painted purple so it was extremely gaudy, but we all had a nice time and Hannah had been thrilled to see her daddy and siblings- in fact her first word had been said over the weekend -" Gake" She loved her cake smashed right into it and went to work on the icing. Ste had stayed an extra two days to be with Hannah on the actual date of her birthday.

He confessed to making the entire trip home in tears, and every evening since was spent at the computer reading her a bedtime story, and I had caught him looking longingly at her picture. He had enlarged the photo of her and her birthday cake before and after the cake smash- her eyes an exact replica of Ste's shining in glee and fists full of icing.

Unbeknownst to Ste, I had arranged for a special visit- Hannah and Sinead were meant to surprise him at the end of the week.

Which was why I was at the shops, to make certain Ste was available I had told him we were hosting a couple's night , so I was out buying a few things he needed for dinner.

Outside The Dog I heard a familiar voice call to me " 15 letters Shawshank Alias . What say you, John Paul?" it was Mark.

"I'm not very good at crosswords."

" I don't believe that. Come on give it ago. Shawshank Alias 15 letters."

" Randall Stephens."

Mark frowned at the puzzle before him.

" Told you I was rubbish."

" Yeah you did….but…. you were wrong. It's a perfect fit. You're better than you think you are. Thanks."

" Glad I could help." I started to continue on my way.

" So what's new with you?" He stopped me.

" Not much" I couldn't tell him I had been banned from seeing him " I got to rush . I need to get a few things , and get Matthew from nursery."

" Yeah , yeah of course don't let me keep you. Thanks again."

I nodded to him and turned to go.

" Oh, John Paul !" He called out to me and I turned to him

" I'm hosting a Film & Book club at the shop, last Friday of the month at half 7. You should come if you're free- Ste's welcome as well, and if you need a sitter Adele's running something for the kids."

"Thanks." I replied simply and continued on my way.

* * *

When I returned home with Matthew Ste was there waiting for us.

" You're home early."

" Wasn't feeling well. So I left."

" So what is it a stomach thing or something?"

"Something like that, but I'll be alright. I've got more important things to worry about."

" Like?" I asked sneaking a taste of bechamel sauce.

Ste looked over at Matthew who was busy playing with his trains and crayons.

" What?" I asked following his gaze.

"Are you sure you want to do this here in front of him?"

"Do what?"

"Why did you lie to me John Paul? Why are you lying to me?"

" Lie? Ste, what are you talking about?"

" I saw you with him John Paul . I saw you with Mark on my way home. If you were still going to see him why did you tell me you wouldn't? "

" I didn't. I haven't seen him since we agreed I shouldn't. I was on my way back from the shops, and he stopped me. He need an answer for his stupid crossword thingy. I wasn't even with him 5 minutes. I didn't even sit down."

Ste was silent. I waited, not sure if I should continue to defend myself or hold my tongue until he spoke.

Ste took a long deep breath. " Okay then. Let's have dinner."

" You believe me?"

" I trust you."

" It was nothing Ste" I thought for a minute. " He did ask me to his book club end of the month, he invited both of us actually."

Ste slammed his fist into the table. " I knew it ! That-" he caught himself ran his fingers through his hair.

" What did you tell him?" He asked calmly.

" Nothing, well I said thanks, but I didn't agree to anything."

" You didn't tell him no?"

I shook my head. " I was in a hurry. I'm not going. You know that right?"

" Let's just eat."

" Ste I won't."

" Bring Matthew to the table please."

* * *

Dinner was tense, I focused most of my energy on Matthew, and tried to remain cheerful for him, when I did engage with Ste his answers were curt.

After dinner, I busied myself getting Matthew to bed, ran through my lessons for the following day, and went to bed. I stayed awake for a long while waiting for Ste to join me, as I waited I listened to music and finished _The Martian_ , the novel I had been reading.

Ste finally appeared, I watched him ready for bed, and when he slipped under the duvet he took my hand with a " Hey."

"Hey."

" I'm sorry. I acted like a jerk. I know you didn't do anything, and I trust you. So I'm sorry, Very, very sorry."

"Thank you."

"Do you forgive me?"

"What do you think?"

" I dunno. I did act like a jackass."

" Yes you did."

Ste looked down at the duvet , biting his lip, and I could feel his hand tense in my hand.

I laughed " But you're my jackass. Of course I forgive you. Come here."

" You don't have to ask me twice."

* * *

Friday evening came quickly,and I could tell Ste was growing irritated with me, he thought we were to be late to couple's night at Drew and Jack's. Initially , in order to stall for time, I had dropped the lasagna , not my best idea, and I kept finding a reason to delay getting in the car.

Finally, 2 hours late, Sinead and Hannah arrived. Ste was completely surprised, he was was at a loss for words to thank me.

Saturday, we all spent the day together, Leah and Lucas included at the beach. Ste spent the final day, Sunday, with Sinead and Hannah alone. I'm not certain where they went, but I trusted Ste, and wanted them to have private time together.

Ste arrived home late that evening, I wasn't surprised the plan was for him to drive Sinead and Hannah to the train station. They were meant to take the last train out, and I knew he would probably want a little time to himself after their departure.

I heard his keys unlocking the door, as he closed the door behind him , he came into full view and he looked completely shattered.

" How you doing? Okay?"

He walked further into the room..

"Did you know about this?"

"Know about what?"

" Is that what this little visit was about? Conspiring with Sinead and Gavin? Did you turn her against me? I feel like such an idiot!" He slammed into his fist into the wall.

"Ste what happened? Tell me what happened!"

" Like you don't already know."

" No, I don't."

Ste laughed. His laugh was almost maniacal.

I said nothing, but my hands started to shake, making it difficult to maintain control of the tea I was pouring.

" Sinead asked me to sign over my rights to Hannah tonight. She wants Gavin to adopt her. She said I can still see her whenever I want, but me giving up custody would make things easier."

"Easier for who? No way she can't do that. You told her off I hope."

" Of course I told her no. But what if she doesn't give up?"

" Then you take her to court."

Ste scoffed. " I wouldn't stand a chance."

" She's hardly Miss. Perfect. You have to fight her on this. We'll sort this."

I offered him one of the cups of tea I was holding. He smacked my hand away sending both cups crashing to the floor.

" I don't want any goddamn tea John Paul! You've done more than enough."

"Ste I was only trying to help. Sinead said nothing to me."

I reached out for his shoulder. " It's going to be alright Ste. Just calm down catch your breath." He smacked me , and caught off guard I tripped landing at the foot of our sofa. I reached for the arm rest to steady myself and held my face. I could feel my eyes start to smart, and felt the all too familiar feeling of my nose starting to bleed.

Ste stood over me sneering.

"Get your hands off me you faggot! Why should I believe you liar , You've proven yourself a liar. This is all your fault. I hope you know."

I wiped at my nose " What? that doesn't-" he talked over me.

" You wanted this all along. You never liked the idea of having to share me with Sinead , and Hannah. What were you really talking about , all those weeks planning this trip. How unfit I am as a father? Talking about how much you knew I missed her , and you only want to help, when deep down you're nothing , but a jealous queen."

In the middle of his accusations I had been able to stop my nose bleeding he turned around and I got to my feet.

"That's not true Ste , and you know it. I'd never do a thing like that." I was speaking to the back of his head, but I didn't care.

"You would. Because you hate that I have something with Sinead that you'll never have with me. You're pathetic John Paul. Pathetic and disgusting. I wish I'd never met you." In a quiter voice " I should have made things work with her."

" You don't believe that."

" Oh I do. You ruined everything. You messed up everything."

By this point, my eyes were wet, and the fallen tears were mixing with the dried blood on my cheeks.

" Say it to my face then"

He whirled around and sized me up with his eyes. " Look at you.! A whining, sniveling pathetic excuse of a man. You're nothing but a baby. A week little baby."

I very self- consciously wiped at my eyes.

Ste snorted in derision and then laughed.

"Why do you have to be so gay? Hmm? Why is that you fat little fairy? Come on now, answer me it's not like I ever tire of hearing you talk down to me," He stared at me , smirk on his face. " Nothing to say. That's a first. You make me sick- I can't stand the sight of you."

" Well if that's how you feel , maybe I should just go then eh.? " I turned to walk by him- my eyes still blurry.

He grabbed me by the arm and jerked me towards, him. I felt the tiniest of pops in my wrist, and a burst of pain.

" Did I say you could go? You don't leave unless I tell you to, and you're going nowhere."

I pushed him away with my free hand. " Leave me alone."

He did not take kindly to that , he pushed me away and slapped me again with a " I told you not to touch me you queer." he then followed with a punch to my face and gut. I doubled over in pain, and he took that as an opportunity to shove me down to the floor- where he continued to punch me 3 or 4 times , maybe more, hurling all kinds of abuse at me as he did. He stopped abruptly with a kick to my side and groin. He stood over me staring, not saying a word, or breathing a sound his eyes cold and dark. His fists were clinched to the point of being ghostly white.

I called his name, for some mad reason I thought him hearing my voice begging not to hurt me would turn him human again. It didn't. He lunged at me.

He had told me many times before that wished I were dead, and that he wanted to kill me before in the heat of anger or an argument, but I actually believed he could do it for the first time.

Somehow I managed to get to my feet , but not before he clipped me in the mouth once more. He tripped as he went after me, and I moved as quickly as I could, and hid locking myself in our room, and collapsed into a shaking, bleeding heap. Inwardly, I felt as if I were cracking.

Once I calmed myself, and my breathing returned to normal, I became all too aware of how quiet Ste had become downstairs, and that in my haste I left my phone down their with him, so that even if I wanted to call for help, I was unable. There was also Matthew. I had put him to bed hours before, and somehow he kept sleeping through the chaos that ensued following Ste' return. He was still quiet now. I wanted to believe that he was safe. i didn't think Ste would actually hurt him, but he had taken off with him once before just to hurt me, and given the state he was in. I couldn't leave anything to chance. I got up slowly from where I sat, peeled off my shirt and used it to clean my face, and went to check on Matthew.

He was still sleeping soundly not a care in the world. I bent down to kiss him and stroke his hair. He was perfect, unlike me. His father was a waste of a human being, I was grateful he was too young to know that, and be disappointed in me.

I left Matthew to find Ste, I discovered him sprawled on the sofa, beer in one hand, not sure when he got it, since we didn't keep alcohol in the house, the TV remote was in his other hand, and the television was blasting. He wasn't watching the programme as he was fast asleep.

I went to work cleaning up the mess: spilled liquid, broken dishes and bottles, toppled furniture, and blood stains,nearly two hours later I returned to our room.

I wanted nothing more than a hot shower, and to go to bed , and forget the last several hours. Scratch that, I wanted to forget the entire weekend. I wished I had never thought to surprise Ste with a visit. This was all my fault, and I didn't know how to fix it. Seeking some form of solace I decided on a shower.

I had the shower head on full blast and was sobbing so hard, I didn't hear the door open, and Ste enter the room, my first knowledge of his presence was his arms slipped around my waist and his soft kisses on my neck and back.

I will never be able to explain why I didn't leave that night. In his own words he had told me how he truly felt about me. I suppose I didn't believe him. Instead, I accepted his comfort, as he gently turned me towards him and held me close.

* * *

Monday morning came far too soon, I was awaken with a demanding nudge from Ste, and believe it or not that was the high point of my day.

Once again I was late to work, so I had the pleasure of being called in to speak with Patrick. In addition to lecturing me about my timekeeping, he advised me on the importance of adequate nightly asleep " judging by your appearance you are was severely lacking.", and added " Perhaps I should dial back on the carousing" is what he said to me. Snide as always- I hated him.

I made no effort to cover my face, it would have been pointless anyway, as the entire right side of my face was bruised, and I had a black eye. There was simply too much to cover, I thought about wearing my sunglasses, but realized I'd have to remove them once at work, so I went as I once, and braced myself for the unwanted attention.

The glances from my colleagues started as soon as I walked through the doors. Their responses varied: some simply stared, but declined to comment, some engaged me in normal conversation- all the while others joked about it " Lose a fight with another door did you Mr. McQueen " or my favorite " You should see the other guy right?" , The office girls gasped and offered treatment suggestions, apparently a raw steak was better than a bag of frozen peas, still others said nothing to me, but whispered behind my back. Then there was Nancy who came right out , and asked

"What the hell happened to your face? God ! you look like shit!"

" Lovely to see you to Nance. Can I help you with anything?"

" I came to see if you wanted to step out for lunch with me, but I see you're already stuffing your face."

"Another time then." I barely took my eyes of the papers I was correcting.

She sat down on the edge of my desk. "That's it then? You're not going to tell me why you look like you were in a car wreck. God! You weren't in a wreck were you?"

" No ,Nancy I wasn't in a wreck. The kids left the toys out on the stairs, I left it to clean in the morning, I got up for a late night snack , forgot about the toys, and down I went. No three car pile up I'm afraid, unless you count Matthew's toy ones."

She nodded. " Landed on your wrist?"

" Huh? " I followed her gaze " Oh that . Yeah." She was the first one to see my damaged wrist, I had wrapped it this morning, and hidden it under my sport's jacket. I had removed both when I sat down to eat, and now the wound was clearly visible.

" Looks nasty." She was staring at the swollen, red, and purple flesh around my wrist in a way that made me uncomfortable.

" It's not as bad as it seems."

" I suppose that's a good thing."

"Yeah it is." I breathed hoping she'd lose interest and leave.

She dropped the topic of my wrist, but lingered.

" How did the visit with Sinead go? Was Ste surprised?"

" Sinead was - well loud, but Ste was surprised, and thrilled to See Hannah. She's grown so much since we saw her for her birthday."

"They don't stay small for long."

"That's the truth."

"Right then." she gave a pat to my desk " I'm going to shoot off and dip out for a bite. I'll see you around."

I nodded acknowledging her departure. " See you around, Nance."

She stopped just before going out the door " That new shopkeep is starting a film and book club for the summer. It sounds interesting, at the least I figure we could go and silently mock everyone, and maybe, just maybe find a good read or two. What do you say? Are you in?"

" I doubt it. I probably won't have time, I'm not one for late nights."

"It's a half 7 ,you old man." she scoffed.

" Just not interested."

" I tried." she gave a little wave and was gone.

The school day finished the same way it started, and I dreaded going home, but the way I saw it there was no place else for me to go, and not create drama for myself, so I gathered my things, and slowly made my way there, first stopping to collect Matthew from nursery. I am certain she noticed my face, but his teacher did not comment on my appearance , for which I was grateful - for once during that long day I didn't feel like a freak.

* * *

Home was how I left it- clean and quiet, it was as if the night before had not occurred. Only when I went to change out of my work clothes did my thoughts turn to Ste- I was confronted with my bloodstained shirt from the night before that I had carelessly tossed aside. I furiously knotted the shirt into a ball and went downstairs.

Matthew turned to me biscuit crumbs on his face " I like to wing." he said before taking a another bite of his biscuit. "and wide, Duck Duck too."

He wanted to go to the playground- the weather was beautiful, and perfect for ,it but I wasn't up to more stares.

I tossed my shirt into the bin and told him " Not today love. We haven't enough time. " I felt a little guilty.

Matthew looked at me disappointed. " Pwease. Park pwease daddy. I listen" pleading voice, and big blue eyes- he was killing me.

I knelt beside him. " Not today , sweetheart. Daddy Ste will be home soon, and then it will be time for tea. How about we go outside and play." I was pathetic.

Matthew took a long sip of his juice. I knew he was considering his options. I had a 75% chance his response would be to throw a tantrum.

I got lucky- he sat down his cup said " Okay." and with Duck Duck in one arm set off to find his favorite ball - which was wedged between the sofa and end table. With some wiggling and jiggling he removed it, and going as fast as his little legs could carry him with the purple ball tucked under one arm and Duck-Duck , Leo, and Burt ( his stuffed bear and lion also found under the table). a fire truck in his pocket he raced to the door.

He stopped to look back at me " Uh I ready. Wet's go pwease."

Outside Matthew and I kicked the ball around for a bit, and then played his version of hide and seek-which involved him hiding his toys and me searching for them, only I was never allowed to find them unless I received his permission, which I never did, because each time I asked his reply was "No you may not."

Eventually I ended up chasing him about, and once catching him I'd toss him into the air causing him to scream in delight.

We were in the middle of this game when Ste returned home. Matthew ran to him for hugs and demanded a piggyback ride.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and approached him cautiously.

' Hiya." I greeted with a kiss to his cheek.

"What am I your Nana? Get over here." Supporting Matthew with one arm he took my head with the other and maneuvered me into a lingering kiss. He drew away after a minute or two with a satisfied " That's better!"

His fingers caressed my cheek. "Wow! That fall you had was pretty bad huh?"

I looked away from him, but he still held my face.

Matthew stopped playing with Ste's hair and looked down on me from where he was perched "Daddy fall down? " he asked.

" Yeah he did. He got a big ouchie." Ste answered on my behalf.

" Too bad. Feel better." was Matthew's sympathetic reply. he then reached down and pat my head.

I smiled, but internally I cringed at Ste's lie and manipulation of the facts, but I was not going to challenge him.

"What do you want for dinner?" Ste interrupted my thoughts.

" I dunno."

Ste huffed. " You're not going to try and answer my question?"

" That fish and potato thing we had the other week?"

" Rosti-topped fish pie?"

"Yeah that."

" I don't want to make that. It's kind of basic don't you think?"

" Spaghetti?"

" We just had lasagna the other night, it's too similar."

" I dunno. What do you want to eat?"

" I asked you. Why do you have to make everything difficult."

I shrugged " Maybe we should get take away."

"So you don't like my cooking?"

" No. I just wanted to make things easier for you."

"Well if I want you to help me I'll let you know. Now tell me what you want!" he snapped at me.

"Sorry. Maybe balsamic chicken with spinach?"

Ste rolled his eyes , huffed at me, and brushed past me into the house.

We had pot roast for dinner.

* * *

Ste never switched to his loving mode like he usually did after an outburst. As things intensified with Sinead, his mood grew darker, and to make matters worse the Dublin deal fell through. Ste compensated for the mounting chaos in his life, by attempting to control mine.

I felt more like his prisoner than his husband, at home I was not allowed out of his his sight, not even to use the bathroom. He monitored all my calls, who I spoke to, where I went, what I wore what I ate etc, all controlled by him. It wasn't a matter of me asking his permission or approval , I just didn't have it it in me to go against him. Part of me felt guilty for challenging him knowing he had other stressors in his life- I tried to be that safe haven for him. The other part of me wanted to avoid getting hit, which he did hit me pretty regularly. He hadn't beat me too badly since the last time. Mostly, he threw things at me. I had been on the receiving end of a cup of coffee, his phone, my phone, a few dishes, and his shoe. I rarely looked at myself in the mirror- I knew what I would see my body stained in bruises. I was disgusting as Ste said I was. The name calling had intensified, when he bothered to speak to me. He had grown fond of ignoring me for days at a time,which was actually fine with me, considering the things he said to me when he did deem me worthy of speaking to. Stupid, Idiot, Asshole, Moron, Bitch,Disgusting, Ugly , Posh, Fat, Potsie, Porky, Whore, Slut, Fairy, Faggot , Queen, McQueer, and Selfish were the nicer things he called me instead of calling me by given name., he also relished in referring to me by various parts of my anatomy.

I couldn't even escape him at work . He would constantly ring and text my phone, and if I didn't respond in a timely manner he would call the school and wouldn't stop calling until I spoke to him. He showed up at the college a few times as well and insisted I see him- an action that coupled with my continued morning lateness ( yeah he still wanted sex twice a day, the only times he was halfway decent to me) Patrick was on my case more than ever.

I was at odds with my friends and family as well, I had turned down one too many invitations- thanks to a bruise I couldn't or didn't want to hide, or an ornery Ste who either didn't want to attend or who banned me from going, Of course none of them knew what I was dealing with so they simply put it down to me being self- absorbed, and one by one they contacted me a little less.

That was my life: wake up have sex, get shouted at, bring Matthew to nursery, go to work and get shouted at, collect Matthew from nursery and have a brief reprieve, Ste gets home picks a fight with me and criticizes me for something, put Matthew to bed , get shouted at, have sex, throw in random smacks, and lectures by annoyed loved ones and lather , rinse, repeat.

Outwardly, my appearance changed very little, but on the inside my cracks were widening.

* * *

The last day of school arrived, and I greeted it with mixed feelings: on one hand I would have more time to spend with my son and less time being lectured by Patrick, on the other hand I was losing the few hours break I received from Ste.

The day started as usual. Ste walked in on me readying for work and said "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? " You should really think about joining a gym. It's a wonder I can stand to touch you- it's bad enough looking at you."

" Love you too, sweetie." I mumbled under my breath after him. I was sarcastic to quell the hurt I felt at his words. He knew I had been trying to tone up and lose weight to please him, but it wasn't good enough, I would never look like the celebrities he regularly compared me to.

I would never be Alec either. Alec was the "client" Ste had invited to dinner a month or two before, I should have known something was going on- before Alec had arrived Ste had been behaving as if he were going on a date. I felt like the gooseberry the entire evening. I had told myself I was being ridiculous and that Ste had to behave as he was to land the client- he wasn't flirting or acting as if I was ruining their date.

I found their pictures last week, Ste had been using the tablet and forgot to clear the history. When I confronted him he first had a go at me about snooping through his belongings, and then when he realized I wasn't going to back down he blamed me.

Ste had stepped out on me before, but this was different, this was not a one night indiscretion, but an ongoing affair. An affair which he took every opportunity to remind me of- apparently , Alec was everything I wasn't.

Hearing Ste describe how chiseled, fit, witty, uninhibited , and fun he was , and at the same time calling me cold or boring stung.

As much as it hurt, I still stayed- because I Ste pointed out I had been "the other man" plenty of times , I didn't have a leg to stand on. Where would I go? I wasn't exactly ace when it came to finding partners, and I loved Ste- a part of me needed him , and I wasn't going to lose him without a fight.

I finished dressing, without looking in the mirror, and hurried to work.

* * *

The day went as normal except for two events. The first- the year 11 students managed to get hold of two chickens, labeled them 'one' and 'three" and released them. I never knew so many people feared chickens.

The second thing that happened was I was axed. Patrick called me into the office- and told me I would no longer be needed. His told me , he thought it shameful , that I was unable to manage my personal affairs. He was disappointed that I valued my career and students, so little, His only regret was that he had allowed me so many chances only to repaid with complete disrespect and disregard for his authority, my colleagues, and students demonstrated by my habitual lateness, periodic unkempt appearance, and inappropriate visits and interruptions from my husband. He didn't care to hear my excuses. I was unsuited for his school, and in his opinion unsuited to be an educator at any school, and he would be certain all of this was noted in my file.

I thanked him, said my goodbyes, gathered my few belongings , and walked out the door.

* * *

Ste was waiting for me to walk me home. I could tell by his body language he had a terrible day at work. He vented to me all the way home, we were at our doorstep before he asked how my day ones.

Saying " Bet you're glad to be rid of those rats for a few weeks."

I had been dreading this moment since Patrick told me I was no longer needed.

There was no use in delaying the inevitable or trying to make it sound better than it was.

"I've been axed."

Ste slammed the door behind us, and I jumped at the sound.

"What? Why? What happened?"

I was faced with a dilemma: did I tell him the truth or should I be vague? I decided on,

" I just wasn't up to par this year. My heart wasn't in it, and my lessons showed that. Plus, I was late a few times too many."

" How could you be so stupid?"

I didn't have an answer.

" Well come on! You come in here tell me you've lost your job because you're an idiot. I know you have something to say for yourself."

" I haven't really processed it yet, but I'll sort something out."

" You're too right you will, because your the fucking moron who lost his job. I'll tell you one thing I'm not supporting this family on my own"

"Ste , I'm-"

"Late to pick up Matthew." he shoved me towards the door " Go on, I'm sick of the sight of you."

* * *

The evening didn't go any better. Ste spent most of it away, and when he returned spent his time shouting at me, still angry over my unemployment.

He only ceased when Matthew woke up crying. Thanks to a newly found fear of monsters , specifically giant ones with teeth ,that he insisted lived under his bed in spite of being shown evidence to the contrary, and given Monster Defense Spray ( a water spritzer), he had been waking up nightly again for the last three days.

"Are you going to shut that kid up?" Ste spat at me.

" That's why I'm up, Ste."

" You could walk a little faster. I'm sick of hearing him every night."

"It's just a phase. He's a little afraid now, but-"

"He's a spoilt brat is what he is."

"Don't talk about him that way. He's a child."

"And his father is a moron."

" I'm doing the best I can. If you think you can do better my be my guest."

" You really are stupid if you think I'm going to be getting up and playing nanny when I'm the only one that's got a job to get to in the morning, and needs sleep."

Matthew started screaming louder.

Ste cursed . " Don't rush now or anything."

" If you stopped talking to me, I could get there faster."

He responded with a slap.

" I don't care what you do, but I better not hear him again tonight-or else."

I got out of bed, massaging my cheek as I padded down the hallway to Matthew's room.

* * *

After I tried several methods to settle Matthew and failing, I remembered Ste's threat, so I bundled him up, settled him into his pushchair with Duck Duck, a blanket, and a cup of milk, grabbed my hoodie and headed out.

Matthew fell asleep before we had gone two blocks, but I continued on, it was just after 10, the streets were mostly quiet, and I needed to clear my head.

I didn't realize how far I walked until Mark call out to me with a very friendly " Hiya John Paul!"

His use of my name struck a chord with me, it had been awhile since anyone had used my first name without sounding disappointed or annoyed at me, or in the case of Ste- used my name at all.

He approached me. " Didn't expect to see you here this time of night. I close shop at 6- though you haven't been round in ages so you have probably forgotten that."

He was teasing me, but that didn't stop me feeling guilty.

"What are you in the little one getting up to? I'm sure you have all manner of trouble planned now that school's out, unless you're the sort of teacher that goes year round."

Again, only teasing, but I still felt terrible, and suddenly felt acutely aware of how red my cheek was from both blushing and Ste's earlier slap.

I looked down at Matthew. " He couldn't sleep. I thought I'd try a walk."

Mark peered into the pushchair. " It seems to have worked. Too bad you didn't come round earlier. The novel we were reading would have had him out cold in seconds. I was almost put out. I tried to get them to pick the one you mentioned, when I gave the talk to your class, for next week's selection, but they wouldn't go for it. - pretentious bunch. I could have used your support- you'll have to show your face next time." Again I knew he was teasing, and his ribbing was all good natured, but for some reason his mention of me not turning up, felt like another failure of mine, and I could feel tears forming in my eyes.

" I'm sorry." I whispered not sure what I was apologizing for.

" John Paul? Are you okay?"

" Yeah ."

" Are you sure?"

I nodded my head,and quickly wiped at my eyes and answered "I'm fine"

Mark remained uncertain, sat down the bag of waste he was carrying and motioned for me to join him on the bench in front of his shop.

"Really?" he pressed.

" Of course. Why wouldn't I be? I've only ruined my career,lost my husband, my family and friends can't stand me. I'm a shit father. I'm basically pathetic and alone, but that's no reason to be down is it?" I answered bitterly.

"You're not pathetic and you're not alone." Mark said and moved closer to me on the bench, resting his arm behind me on the back of the bench.

"You have me. I care about you."

"You care about me?"

"Mhmm, and I've been hoping for the chance to speak to you ,in private ,for weeks now. I like to think of you as more than a customer… more of a friend, and if I'm honest John Paul-"

I didn't hear what he was saying I was stuck on the part about him caring for me. I focused on what I was feeling.

Mark had never once treated me badly. When I was with Mark I felt like I mattered , like I was special, like I wasn't invisible, and I hadn't felt that way in a long time I felt human again noticed and wanted. Over the last months ,he had been the one person I could count on. I never needed to question where I stood with him. He was always there willing to talk, to listen, to help, offering genuine friendship something that I badly needed.

I was the one to push him away. Tonight was more of the same, there he was sitting close to me: kind and gentle smile, warm brown eyes , having just told me he cared for me. I leaned into him , closing the gap between us.


	14. Affirmation

I had never seen anyone duck out from a kiss as Mark did when he backed away from me, he nearly snapped his neck in the process.

"Woah..uh.. John Paul… I'm-"

"I'm… you're not...I'm just going to go." I set off with a jolt nearly tripping over Matthew's pushchair and my feet in the process.

" John Paul, wait!"

He continued to call after me, and I picked up my pace. I could not look back. I needed to keep moving.

Stopping would be detrimental, I had embarrassed myself more than once that evening- nearly going to tears in front of Mark, followed by coming on to him when he was not interested in me in that way. I wanted to preserve the last shreds of my dignity.

How did I get here? My life a total disaster.

What was wrong with me?

Things were going badly at the moment, that didn't excuse me nearly cheating on my husband.

God! I had been so easy too, a few nice words was all it took and I was willing to go there.

Ste was right about me- I was a slut.

What if someone saw? What if it got back to Ste? True I hadn't actually kissed him- but that wouldn't matter to a bystander eager for gossip, besides my intentions had been clear.

Yes, Ste was carrying on with someone else, but that didn't make it right for me to do the same.

Why had I done that? I had been,feeling extremely lonely, undesirable , and I suppose for a few moments I wanted to feel wanted- desired. I don't know.

God I was so needy, and I had probably put off another friend thanks to my desperation.

" Idiot!" I said out loud to myself garnering a strange look from a couple walking opposite me.

I came to a rest outside The Dog , amazingly Matthew remained asleep during my flight. I was determined to keep him dreaming , so I rocked him with my foot, as I leaned against the railing.

I stood out over the water, watching the reflection of the moon- and thinking what a beautiful and calm night it was. I found myself thinking what a lovely picture Matthew and I must have made to anyone that wandered by- father and son out for a late evening, moonlit stroll, a stark contrast to the reality of our lives, and what was going on in my mind.

I heard the approaching sound of footsteps and heavy breathing- it was Mark, the last person I wanted to see at the moment.

" Dear god!" I cursed softly to myself.

" Whew!" he let out a puff of air " I'd thought you'd never slow down."

Not in the mood to beat around the bush I said

" Look, can you just forget that ever happened. I feel stupid enough as it is, and I'd rather not go into right now or ever. I don't know why I did that- I'm sorry."

" Don't worry about it. I think I know why you did."

I looked at him properly for the first time that evening. " Really? Great! That makes one of us."

Mark smiled" Seriously don't worry about it."

" Glad you're okay with me making an absolute arse of myself."

" You didn't at least not in my view, and I understand why you did it- you're vulnerable right now."

" Excuse me?"

" Like I was saying earlier. I know things aren't easy for your right now, and I'd like to help you out if I can. I-"

" Come again? I'm not sure what you've heard or think you know, but you can't trust everything you hear around here. This place is full of gossips, liars, and backstabbers."

" It's not what I've been told. It's what I've seen with my own eyes. I know things with you and your Ste aren't good- aren't as they should be."

" Are you a marriage counselor as well as a shopkeep?" I tried a bit of wit to abate the rising feelings of alarm and shame.

" No. But I like to think I'm your mate. I've seen the way he talks to you. I've seen how you tense up when you're around him. I've seen the bruises- John Paul I'm worried about your safety…" he nodded towards Matthew's carriage " and his"

I quickly went from feeling sheepish to feeling angry, judged, and embarrassed. I lashed out at Mark.

" You've known me what - a year? Barely seeing me at that… you've seen Ste even less, and you think that gives you the right to comment about my marriage! To accuse my husband, to make judgments about me as a parent- as if I would put my son in harm's way. I've got news for you mate, if you think you can stand here and-"

" John Paul, please. Please calm down. Please. I didn't mean… I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? I only wanted to help. I just wanted to say you can talk to me."

Seeing that I had calmed for the moment, he reached out his hand to my shoulder " I know these-"

" You know nothing about it! Whatever you're thinking- you're wrong. Just piss off . Ste was right about you. Stay away from me. "

I shrugged away from him, wheeled Matthew sharply around and headed for home.

* * *

Once home, I settled on the sofa, where Matthew and I remained for the evening. My son continued to sleep soundly, I did my best to rest, but the evening's events were whirling about my mind, making drifting off close to impossible.

I woke early Saturday morning, more tired than when I had gone to bed, and decided to fix breakfast for the three of us.

"Something smells fabulous!" Ste declared as he made his way downstairs, his mood was uncharacteristically upbeat.

He greeted me with a kiss as he entered the kitchen.

" I missed waking up next to you. Where were you all night?"

I blushed slightly thinking of my indiscretion and the guilt started to gnaw inside of me, and I took a hurried gulp of coffee burning my throat as it went down.

Ste did not seem to notice.

"Me too. " I replied, though I was certain our reasons for missing each other were vastly different " It took forever getting Matty to sleep, and I didn't want to chance moving him to his cot and starting the crying again-waking you up."

Ste smiled, helped Matthew with a bite of his sausage and said " Well don't go making a habit of it- or I'll have to come down and drag you up to bed."

He was smiling and teasing, but his thoughtless words made me uncomfortable, but that was how he had been recently. At first, he had been extremely sensitive and understanding when it came to me and dealing with the after effects of Finn's attack, but little by little he had starting pushing my boundaries when it came to intimacy, in fairness when I had called him out on it he stopped. However, in recent weeks he was back to complaining about my unwillingness to do certain acts or implying I should be " over it" by now.

Ignoring my discomfort at the implication of his words, I smiled at him.

Ste licked the yogurt off his spoon before continuing. " What are you boys getting up to day while I'm at work?"

" Oh I don't know- maybe the park. I may get a start on the job search."

Ste nodded his approval of my plans for the day. "Sounds good- especially the part about finding work."

" Milk?" I asked before bringing him his tea. I was determined to keep things light this morning.

"Mhmm. Thanks."

" So how late are you working?" I asked tentatively. I was curious, but did not want to set him off.

" I was thinking maybe we could meet up for lunch or something? " I added the " something" hoping to smooth things over and sound nonchalant so Ste wouldn't accuse me of being needy.

Ste took a long, unnerving swill from his cup.

" I work till 1:30. So no lunch and I'll be too busy after."

" Oh." I adverted my gaze.

He took my hand in his a surprisingly intimate gesture for him of late.

" Are you really that daft?" " I've got the mediation thingy with Sinead at 3:45, so I've got to make myself the presentable dad -right?"

He took another sip of his tea " You'll be on your own for dinner tonight, but should you find yourself bored without your better half you can do some packing -Amy's dropping the kids off tomorrow for the trip in case you've forgotten that as well."

" Of course not. It's been too long since we've seen them." I answered while replacing the eggs and toast Matthew had knocked over reaching for his milk.

" Too long is too right." Ste reached over tousled Matthew's hair and kissed my cheek.

" Good breakfast Mr. McQueen. There's this place I know that might be willing to put you to work. I'll put in a word for ya."

I smiled at him and played along with him " You'd do that for me?"

" Of course . I say it's a sure bet you'd be hired as well."

" Oh yeah. My kitchen skills impress you that much?" I teased him back taking my and Matthew's plates to the sink as I did .

" I think it's your other skills that'll work in your favor." He ,dropped his cup into the sink, which made me jump, as last time the cup hit the sink that way, it was because, he had thrown the cup and its contents at my face. As he turned away from the sink he pinched my bottom hard.

The pinching , along with slapping, squeezing, and groping anytime I was within his arm's reach was also his new thing. He didn't care who was around calling it "playing" , only it didn't feel like playing to me, as most of the time it hurt, and sometimes left marks, but I didn't say anything to him about it anymore- not wanting to be laughed at and told I was a"prude" with no sense of humor" or be subjected to a rant that compared me with Alec.

" Hey John Paul. Hello? " he snapped his fingers at me. I hadn't realized he was calling me.

" Sorry. Guess I got lost in my mind for a bit."

" What else is new." he scoffed " I was asking if you could pop into the shops , and grab swimsuits for the kids- Amy forgot that bag at the house, and I told her I'd take care of it. I'll text you the sizes."

" Sure. No problem."

"While you're out could you grab razors, gel, and cologne for me? Seems I've run low."

He shrugged into his jacket as he spoke to me, and I waited to return the milk to the fridge in order to avoid contact with him.

" You're the best. " He turned away, starting to the door, stopped walked bag, grabbed his keys, planted a kiss on Matthews's cheek, walked back to the door and was gone.

* * *

I spent the morning with Matthew running errands for Ste, when he sent me the text with Leah and Lucas' sizes his list of " little favors" had grown exponentially.

Matthew, though antsy, had been well behaved all morning so I rewarded him with a pizza lunch.

The pizza shop was crowded, with a queue that spanned out the door. Matthew insisted he wanted " Dill's pizza" and since it was meant to be his treat I stuck around.

Matthew busied himself digging in my pockets, playing with my keys and coins, and hiding random bits of paper and his trains in them.

In between responding to texts from Ste and entertaining Matthew, I listened to the chat show playing on the shop telly.

The show's topic of the day was domestic abuse. Most of the panelists were in agreement that perpetrators of such abuse were vile human beings and they hated them, they also could not understand while someone would remain in a situation like that. One panelist said she " would never be so weak as to stay in a relationship like that." I didn't hear what the other panelists opinions were because the two patrons beside me started talking, and their opinion was much the same as the woman on the show only their view was given more harshly

" People that stay are weak minded idiots. You have to be to put up with that kind of treatment!" The first women declared.

Her friend responded with " I totally agree. I can understand maybe sticking it out after the first time they get smacked, but after that. You know what they say- fool me once..."

" They must like it, it's the only thing I can think of. That or something's not right in their head."

" Well if you ask me , if they stick around they deserve it. No sympathy from me."

I missed out on the rest of their conversation as my number was called. I collected our food, but I was no longer hungry. I paid, took Matthew outside and seated us at one of the outdoor tables.

* * *

Matthew took approximately 2 bites of his pizza before he became obsessed with wanting to feed the birds that had gathered on the pavement hoping to score a stray crumb. When I told him he could not, he took to hiding under the table and pouting.

Which is where he was 10 minutes, and about 35 judgmental " I disapprove of your parenting" stares later, when he suddenly leaped from underneath the table with " Mawk!" tipping my chair and causing me to bite my lip.

How he spied him from underneath the table I do not know- but sure enough Mark was in front of us. I wasn't exactly pleased to see him, but was determined to keep my cool for Matthew's sake.

Matthew was thrilled to see Mark had grown fond of him and the ban had impacted him as well. Matthew greeted him with a leg hug, and " I miss you, Mawk."

Mark smiled down at him pat his head and said " I've missed you too. I think the Thomas Trains have missed you as well."

Matthew took this news gravely " Tell dem I wuv dem."

" Will do mate. Will do. Are you having the best time with your daddy. having a pizza lunch?"

Matthew started to pout " No. I sit on floor." he pointed to his spot under the table while scowling.

" His choice, not mine. " I clarified " We disagreed about using our lunch to feed our bird friends."

"Ah I see." Mark gave a little chuckle.

Matthew climbed back into his chair " I eat now." Then to Mark " Some?"

" Ah, no thank you . I've just finished my lunch , and my belly's all full." Matthew didn't seem bothered by this information -and thrust a hand-full of melted cheese into Mark's hand and said " K' bye."

I wanted to laugh, but I kept myself in check, corrected Matthew ,and offered Mark a napkin which he refused.

He awkwardly excused himself and made his exit picking cheese off of him as he went.

Matthew looked up from his pizza to watch him go " I wuv him." he declared confidently.

We encountered Mark again later in the day on our way back home from the park. Mark nodded to me as he approached.

" Don't worry he's sleeping. You won't have any cheese coming your way."

Mark smiled and peered down as if to make certain my words were true. He then looked around us. He seemed satisfied no one was in earshot, but lowered his voice anyway.

" About last night-"

" I thought we agreed, that never happened."

" Not that. I meant what I said after that. I never should have said what I did. It wasn't my place and I was out of order. I know better, believe me. I apologize."

" Apology accepted." I forgave him quickly wanting to move on and worried Ste might catch us talking.

" Good. Thanks."

In spite of our words, there was still a heavy tension between us. We exchanged awkward comments about weather and football.

" Well I'll be on my way. I've got a lot to get done- Ste and I our going on holiday with the kids." I said eager to end the awkward encounter.

" Of course. Don't let me keep you. That sounds nice."

He hesitated before moving out of my way.

" John Paul. It's still true what I told you before- my shop is always open to you- no matter the time of day, you can always stop by. Even if it's just for Matthew to say hello to the trains. Okay?"

I nodded.

He seemed as though he wanted to say more, but was holding back, and finally settled on.

" Enjoy your trip. Have fun. Be safe."

" I will"


	15. Your Shelter From The Storms

Ignoring the fact the first four days were spent indoors due to heavy rain thanks to an un-predicted storm, our week long seaside holiday had been fabulous. Some of the highlights included :Leah insisting she give Ste and I manicures, she claimed she needed to practice ,Ste and I thought she was simply bored, until we caught her pitching her services to the other hotel guests, Lucas convincing other beach-goers he had seen a shark in the water, Matthew chasing the pirate players with his tinfoil sword, and Ste teaching all the kids how to surf- the pictures I got from that are priceless.

The trip had been good for my relationship with Ste as well. Almost a second honeymoon. Late nights after the kids had fallen asleep we stayed up hours talking on the balcony ,only going to bed just before sunrise. During one such chat , Ste disclosed he had ended things with Alec before the trip. He realized what he had with me, and it wasn't worth destroying over an arrogant overly oiled, and overly tanned moron. He apologized for his other indiscretions as well. He said he knew it would take time, but he would earn back my trust and respect if I was willing to not divorce him, and that he was going to be 120% faithful moving forward, because no one else was worth the trouble.

I forgave him, and feeling guilty. I confessed that I nearly kissed Mark. He was angry at first, but quickly relented, blaming himself saying " I guess I forced you into that position with how I'd been acting."

I refused to let him accept the blame for my actions, and I promised him I would not see Mark anymore. I wanted our marriage to work just as much as he did- we had weathered the storms together this far I wasn't going to give up now.

It seemed almost too easy, but just like that we were back on track and, it seemed as though I was married to a new man.

He still had his faults, he still insisted on knowing my whereabouts at all times, and checking in on me by text, but I figured that was a small compromise, in exchange gone were the name calling, the constant criticism, the body shaming, and the beating.

Ste was incredibly supportive as well, I struggled with my teaching career coming to an end the way it had, and finding work proved to be harder than I thought. I was down on myself- borderline depressed, but Ste had been extremely encouraging in both word and action.

* * *

When I finally landed work I think he was even happier than I was. If he had been negative at all, it was that he insisted I only work certain hours and meet him for lunch daily. Lunch would prove difficult as I had to use train or bus to meet Ste and get back to work, but in the time I worked at the shop I was only late once.

My new job was working retail at a music shop about 40 minutes from home. I was nervous about it, but I needed the money, and wanted to be pulling my weight so I tried to be optimistic.

The morning of my first day, Ste woke me with breakfast in bed, and mildly complained about me being away, he would miss having me around getting stuff during the day. I pointed out that he had complained about me being home all day. He agreed and then told me how happy he was.

My first day at Epic Sounds went well. My boss, Nicklas, a Danish immigrant and former rocker/ dj. was laid back , but knew his music, there was also Piper and Eric students from Hollyoaks Community College who worked part time to save for a backpacking trip to the States- they each had a few of my former professors, there was Heather, a single mom, working to support herself and her 3 kids, and Kunal who as he said " Just liked music."

They were all extremely nice, and I didn't mind working with any of them, though most of my shifts were with Heather. Heather was easy to get on with, and in many ways reminded me of my sister Tina.

The thing I liked most about the new job, is we often got first listen to new music, we also hosted up and coming bands for lunch- thanks to Niklas's connections, but I rarely got to meet the musical acts thanks to my agreement with Ste.

Ste was excited for me at first, but his excitement turned into annoyance. I was loving my new job, being back in the world of music made me feel alive again . I suppose my passion and excitement got the better of me because after a few weeks, Ste started complaining when I shared anecdotes about my day, so I learned to keep a lot of it to myself- that seemed to make him suspicious because in addition to having lunch with him- he insisted he be the one to drop me off and collect me from work, this involved me changing my hours at work, luckily Nicklas didn't mind- he was after all extremely laid back.

The switch and hours also meant I was working mostly with Kunal. Kunal proved to be an interesting guy. He had been born in London to Indian parents, moved to Australia at the age of 5 and back to London at 18. He currently resided in Liverpool where he worked as an accountant, his job at the music shop was his hobby- he had wanted to be a musician , but his parents convinced him to choose a " stable career" . I told him I had done they same, and then relayed my former life as a dj to him.

After, my third shift working with Kunal, Ste and I had been invited to join he and his wife and children for dinner. I was thrilled to make a new friend, Ste was not as excited, and said it was probably best I didn't mix my personal life with work, considering what happened last time. I turned Kunal down, saying our calendar was full until the new year.

I felt terribly about it, luckily Kunal didn't take my declining dinner personally.

The invitation had piqued Ste's curiosity, and he started asking me about my work and seemed interested.

Almost too interested, but at least he was no longer yawning in boredom.

One Friday morning, he stopped the car outside the shop.

" I miss you he said."

" What?" I wasn't really paying attention to him. I was going through the old records I had found and promised to bring in to show Niklas.

" What do you mean you miss me. You see me everyday. I'm sat right her next to you the last 40 minutes."

" Yeah , but you're never really around anymore. Always going about work and Kunal or Nicklas and Katie."

" It's just nice to be working again, and have colleagues- that are well normal. I feel like I can be myself around them. Like I've got something in common with them, I'm not pretending to be something that I'm not."

" So you can't be that way with me? They way you're talking it's like your last career was a joke."

" No of course not Ste. Look I'm going to be late, but we will talk this through tonight."

" Tonight?"

" I thought I told you I can't do lunch today. Mandatory meeting."

" That's how it is then? We had a deal ,John Paul."

" I Can't exactly skip this."

" I thought you said you're boss is laid back."

" He is, but not so laid back he wouldn't care about me skipping a mandatory meeting for lunch with my husband."

" You say it like it doesn't matter."

" Don't be daft. Of course it matters to me."

" Well you haven't been acting like it. Everything out of your mouth is about this damn place. They got you running about- look you're even bringing crap into them. What's worse is you don't even seem to miss me."

" Miss you? Ste what do you mean?"

" We haven't." he nodded suggestively " You know in a week and you haven't said a word about it."

" It's only been a week."

" See you don't care."

" I didn't say that at all. I'll make it up to you tonight, in all kinds of lovely ways."

"How about you make it up to me now."

" Have you lost your mind? I don' t have time for this. I've got to go I'll be late. I'm still new and I like to stay in good graces, and as cool as he is. I don't think Niklas would be okay with me being late to boff in the car park ."

" Who cares about him. He's not your husband is he?"

"No, but he is my boss, and as I'd like to continue working, I have to at least pretend to care what he thinks of me- you know employment, money, home, security, and all that."

" You've got 15 minutes to spare by my watch."

" Not really I've got a few things to get sorted."

He switched to pouting

"I have to go." I ignored his sulking and leaned over for a goodbye peck.

Ste dodged my kiss, and instead reached across my lap, and flicked open my trousers, and then sat back leering at me.

I fastened them together " I'm at work " I hissed at him.

" That hasn't stopped you before."

" I have to go."

"Once again I miss out on something all your others got…. no matter though I know my place as your husband… clearly you don't give a shit.. Well what are you waiting for? Get out you're at here - don't want to be late. Don't bother with a kiss. I wouldn't want to hold you up and embarrass you."

" Ste -"

" Get out!" he shouted and shoved me towards the door. Not wanting to upset him further I gathered up my bag and got out of the car.

The work day progressed quickly, and I did my best to remained focused on my work instead of worrying about Ste. My coworkers must have sensed something was bothering me, as several of them asked if I was okay.

Three o' clock arrived , and I hurriedly gathered my things, turning down an invite to head to the pubs with my coworkers. Ste was late arriving, and one by one my coworkers headed out. Nearly two hours later it was just Kunal and I. Kunal was counting down the minutes until he could leave, as he had been chosen to lock up that night. I spent my time out front, engrossed in trying to decode one of Ste's several messages, he was still livid with me, not wanting to leave my post remembering what had happened months before, when Ste had told me to wait out front for him, and I had gone in because he was late- I did not want to repeat that. However, I really needed the toilets, and figured I could be quick enough to go and be back before he arrived.

I turned to go inside, opened the door too quickly, and ran smack into Kunal, our collision sending records everywhere.

" I guess you really aren't a fan of teen pop." Kunal teased.

' Well I had to get my point across somehow. No one was listening at the meeting" I joked as I helped him clean up.

" That's the spirit then. Take action right. Don't sit by quietly. Down with One Direction and Taylor Swift. "

I laughed." Quite literally eh?"

He grinned as he took the last of the records from me and reshelved them.

As I looked up I saw Ste watching us. He locked eyes with me and turned sharply away. I ran after him.

He stormed in front of me and I called his name several times before he turned an acknowledged me.

" I come here to drive you home taking time out of my schedule and I find you flirting with some random bloke."

" Ste it's not what you think."

" I know what I saw John Paul! I know how you are when you're flirting. Have you no shame?

We reached the car and got in.

" It's not like that Ste. If you would just let me-"

" I saw you smiling and blushing. I know you. I know you !"

" Ste I haven't done anything wrong"

" Yet. I walked in on you before you got the chance."

" You're being ridiculous Kunal is just a friend. You'd know that if you'd just listen to me."

I surprised myself by raising my voice, and I didn't like it. I was tired of constantly defending my actions.

Apparently Ste didn't like it either because he reached out quick as a flash and punched me sending my face into the car window. Blood immediately burst from my nose.

I looked at him in terror and surprise.

" What? I know you didn't think you would get away with talking to me like that- embarrassing me and disrespecting me 3 times in the same day."

I held my hand to my nose, and mopped up the blood with my shirtsleeve.

Ste took off quickly leaving me no time to adjust myself or fasten my safety belt , and other than to stem my bleeding- I didn't dare move or ask any questions.

We drove in silence for a long while, Ste kept his foot pumping the accelerator. His erratic driving was an indication of his mood.

He stopped the car short. The sudden cessation of speed lurched us both forward. " Get out! I don't even want to look at you." He commanded.

" Ste I can't. What about Matthew?"

" Maybe Kunal can help you with that. Get out."

He reached across opened my door, and shoved me out of the car onto the street.

* * *

It took me 2 hours to get home -walking in the rain. I had called Matthew's nursery telling them I would be late due to traffic, and they said Ste had picked him up. I was glad for that, and hoped that meant he had calmed down. When I arrived home I could hear them having a good time inside.

I was locked out soaked through, and sore from the scratches I earned from being tossed from the car. Ste refused to acknowledge my calls, knocks or texts. I waited out on the front step until after midnight, when I heard the door unlock. Ste didn't say a word to me, but the rest of the evening was horrible, by the time I went back to work on Monday the marks on my face had healed.I lasted two more weeks on the job before I quit. I loved working at Epic Sound, but it wasn't worth the trouble it caused between Ste and I.

When I told Ste I quit, he ranted at me, even though that's exactly what he had been pressuring me to do.

On the morning of my first jobless day, I awoke to Ste cuddling me and saying

" Maybe you being out of work is a blessing in disguise."

" How so?"

" Well. Matthew will be 3 in a few months, you're home now, we've been wanting another child, and as they say there's no time like the present."

"A baby?"

"This isn't something new, John Paul."

"I know it's just-"

"What? It's just what?" his tone was threatening and I didn't want to push him too far.

" Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Good." he pulled me towards holding me tightly.

* * *

By the time summer ended , my transition into stay at home parent was complete. By no means was my new role terrible, but I missed the grind of the 9 to 5. I spent most of my day taking care of household tasks, and being available to Ste for whatever he asked of me.

He had not mentioned the baby business in days, and I wasn't going to remind him.

What I enjoyed the most of my new role, was being able to spend more time with Matthew, we had reduced his time at nursery to half days only, and he loved being able to have lunch with me every day. He also loved that I came to his school once a week to do music for the kids. It started when it was my turn to act as room parent for the day, Matty had begged me to bring my guitar in, and his teachers had loved it, and asked me to come in once a week for toddler music time. Since I was free mornings I agreed.

Ste had not been happy that I had agreed to it without consulting him first, but when I offered to back out of it , he relented.

He did bristle every time we ran into one of the nursery parents who had a word of praise for me.

He bristled, but he didn't say anything more about me quitting- he did like to tease me about turning into a CBeebies feature, but I let that roll off my back knowing how happy me visiting his nursery made Matthew. It was also nice to have a few adults to talk to for an hour, outside of Ste I could go for days without any adult interaction and it was lonely.

He hadn't raised a hand to me much, since the Kunal incident, in fact he had been mostly decent to me since I was at home. He had gone back to saying horrible things to me, and if things weren't to his liking when he returned home the tongue lashing I got would go on for hours.

Saturdays, like today were spent as a family, as always Ste was nicer to me when Amy or Sinead brought the kids to visit, on the weekends that they didn't visit I could count on being ignored.

Ste and I had spent most of the morning running errands around town. We had just come from lunch. Ste was scolding me for my latest error-carrying Matthew who had fallen asleep saying I "coddled him". We passed a few shops as we walked in silence before I recognized one of the shops and stopped "Do you mind if we go in? I saw a jumper in there I'd like to get for Matthew, for when the weather turns." Ste rolled his eye "Doesn't he have enough of them? God! The way you spend my money it's like you don't care how hard I work for it!" I didn't look at him or respond to his criticism. I knew better than that. With an exaggerated stare Ste agreed we could "look" at the jumper, he needed to **think** about buying it. I thanked him.

Once inside the shop Ste became excited about shopping, in addition to the jumper Ste had added trousers, shoes, and items for Hannah, Lucas, and Leah.

After making our purchases, leaving the shop, and walking a few minutes, Ste turned to me saying

" You fancy him don't you."

I looked up. I had been distracted by double checking the receipt first that I had one, and that every item was listed. I knew Ste would demand the receipt later and I wanted to avoid a future conflict.

"Ste, I promise you I don't have a clue who you are talking about."

"The shopkeeper of that store we were just in. I saw you looking at him. Do you deny it?"

My mind tried to quickly come up with the correct answer. Of course I had looked at him- the way normal people with manners look at someone when they enter a shop and purchase an item. If I told him I was just being polite he'd accuse me of lying,and I be slapped. If I told him I hadn't he'd still accuse me of lying and flirting, and I'd be slapped. It was loss for me no matter what. I tried to think of a way to slightly change the subject I thought of the items purchased for Leah, Lucas, and Hannah.

"Leah, Lucas, and Hannah are gonna -" He grabbed my jaw suddenly interrupting my speech and slapped me full strength across the face.

He then walked on ahead of me, and I froze. I could not move. People were watching. Stopping and staring. My bags were on the ground,I could feel the blood dripping from my nose , Matthew was crying the force of his slap against my face had jolted him awake. I played it over in my mind the conversation and the slap I thought about picking up my bags and going after Ste. Matthew was screaming louder. A small crowd had formed , it was as though everything was happening in slow motion, and still I couldn't move.

I felt someone come up behind us, and place a hand on my shoulder , and heard a voice murmur "Come with me."

* * *

I was inside the shop , before I realized the person guiding me was Mark. I hadn't realized we had been standing outside Odds & Ends.

Once inside, Mark locked the door , flipped the shop sign from open to closed, and drew the curtains together away from prying eyes .

Moments later I found myself in the small flat attached to Mark's shop.

He helped me sit down on the sofa,he gave me a cloth to wipe the blood from my nose ,briefly left, and returned with ice. He handed me the ice and took Matthew from me. Matthew went to him without objection.

I sat with the ice on my face and watched Mark and Matthew. Mark was great with him, and I wondered if he had children of his own. For the first time, I noticed a double picture frame near the mantle. The left photo was of a woman and a little girl and appeared to have been taken at a birthday party, and the right photo was of the same little girl as the other photo cuddling a giant stuffed mouse and looking at a picture book.

"Is that your wife and little one?" I asked finally able to speak again.

Mark looked up from where he was sitting ,he had Matthew on his knee, and was playing a game.

"No. That's my sister and niece."

"Oh. They're beautiful- nice photos."

"Mhmm."

"Do they live 'round here?"

"No." He didn't shout or change his voice much, but It was clear he did not want to talk further about them so I decided to leave the subject alone.

He then abruptly stood up, handed me Matthew, and went to the kitchen.

He returned , after several moments, with a fresh ice pack and handed it to me saying " You need a fresh one - looks like it's going to leave a nasty bruise."

I took the ice as I remembered what had happened and why I was in his shop.

"He's not always like that. I don't know what got into him." I said feeling I needed to defend my husband.

"There's never a good reason for it."

"I know, I said quietly as if I'd been scolded. " it's just that - Ste's...he's complicated it's not so black or white he's had hard things in his life and..." I struggled to put together what I wanted to say.

Matthew took the opportunity to shove the lollipop Mark had given him into my mouth saying " Say tank you, I'm sharing."

Mark smiled briefly at Matthew, before gently saying to me. " If you don't mind -I'd rather talk about you."

" I don't want to talk about that, Mark " I replied thinking he meant the incident,, and I suddenly found my shoes fascinating, and felt my cheeks burning from shame.

" You don't have to," I looked up in surprise " I meant you in general. How's work? Had a chance to start that novel?"

"There's not much to say." I said gazing at my hands and frowning ashamed to tell him I was unemployed and spending my days keeping house.

Realizing he had hit another wall Mark switched tactics.

"What do you want to do now? "

I was embarrassed. By now everyone in town would know what happened between me and Ste. I couldn't cope with facing them and their stares. I knew what they'd be thinking- " Poor John Paul- poor weak man ." Then there was Ste I wanted to talk to him , and I didn't. He had been trying to reach me, my phone had buzzed, announcing several text messages.

I took a deep breath " I just want to hide away."

" You could do that, but I have to warn you it gets bitterly cold in here at night, and while I don't mind it might be a bit hard on the tot." He was teasing, but also serious.

I smiled.

"So what do you want to do?"

" I guess… I guess I'll go home."

"Okay." Mark said standing and grabbing his coat. "I'll walk with you."

We hadn't walked for long when I realized by 'home' I meant McQueen headquarters, so we headed there, and true to his word Mark stayed with me.

* * *

Once inside McQueen HQ there was no need for me to explain what I was doing there , as the news of the incident with Ste traveled quickly. In fact the ladies, didn't ask me any questions it was mostly an endless flurry of insults on Ste's character, and threatening to harm him. I don't think they noticed when I slipped away and up the stairs. As I reached the top landing I did hear my mum ask " Who the hell are you?" referring to Mark. and his simple reply of " Mark Kent… friend of John Paul." made me smile.

Surprisingly, my family had left Matthew and I alone to sleep, which was wonderful for me as I was in no mood to go over things. Hours later, I woke up. The house seemed quiet, so I decided to take my chances and venture downstairs for a snack. Before going for a snack I checked my phone messages. It was 11:38pm and I had over a 100 messages from Ste 30 of them within the last hour. I carefully shifted Matthew from my chest to the bed and covered him with a blanket. The poor love had to fall asleep without his beloved Duck Duck, we accidently left it behind this morning in our haste to run errands. Ste had refused to turn back, and I had promised Matthew we'd be back home in no time at all and his blanket would be waiting for him. Great father I was! I closed my phone and slipped quietly out of the room.

I made it to the kitchen , found something to eat, and as I was turning to go back, I ran smack into my Nana.

"How long has it been going on?" she demanded.

* * *

"Oh sweetheart!" Nana murmured as she held me. "I wish I'd known...and I was the one to push you to get with that scum in the first place… I'll never forgive myself."

"It's not your fault Nana. I -"

"Never mind that love, she lovingly stroked my bruised face, you're home now, and we'll get everything sorted tomorrow."

Tomorrow came at 3:00 am with Ste pounding on the front door and shouting my name repeatedly, waking everyone.

"John Paul! J.P.!"

"I know you're in there!"

"John Paul! I know you can hear me. I've been calling you and leaving you messages."

"Why won't you answer me?" He went back to banging the door.

"Answer me. John Paul, please. Come talk to me."

"I'm calling the police." Celine went to get her phone

"No don't!" I begged.

Ste started banging the door again " I don't care who you call. I'm not leavin'. Okay I'm not going anywhere until I talk to me husband."

He went quiet for a few minutes before he started shaking the door frantically and screaming my name.

I moved to the door.

Mercedes blocked my path and Nana grabbed my arm saying "Don't even think about it."

"Ste!" I called to him through the door.

"Ste, please just go home. Please. I'll call you. I'll call you later I promise. Please just go home. Please"

He left.

"You better not go anywhere near him- and if he shows his face round here again- I won't be responsible for what I do do him. Do you hear me John Paul?" My mum threatened.


	16. Our Histories Makes Us Strong

**The following chapter contains language and situations that may be triggering to some readers. There is also a brief point of view switch the second half of this chapter.**

* * *

The separation had been harder than I thought. I spoke to Ste the day after I left, when it was apparent I wasn't coming home - he flew into a rage, making all sorts of threats. One day I received a package in the post - my Liverpool tickets ripped to shreds and burned. A few days later he hurled bricks through the front window and smashed up the gate. I talked my Nana out of involving the authorities.

A week or so later we returned to find the house had been broken into- the place was completely destroyed, the most alarming was a knife that had been jabbed into the door of my bedroom.

The police were called then, Ste was immediately accused by my family. I said nothing to the police about his treatment , only saying we were having a rough patch and I had gone home to clear my head.

Ste had an airtight alibi during the time the break-in was suspected to have occurred, and the timing of the crime was simply coincidental.

My family refused to believe that Ste was not involved in someway- in their minds it was no accident the chosen bedroom belonged to me.

The police said wasn't enough evidence- no charges were filed against him.

My family begged me to seek a restraining order, but I refused. I didn't want to deal with the police, making statements, and giving evidence again. I also wasn't completely certain I wanted a divorce, and filing a report would put a definite end to my marriage. If I filed, it was likely Ste would go to jail, and it was almost certain he would lose custody of his children for good- I couldn't do that to him. It was complicated, to me, to everyone else the answers seemed so simple, and they frequently told me so.

I went back to our place briefly to collect a few needed items. My belongings were thrown out on the front lawn. Matthew's things were tucked into a nice box. It was humiliating to go around the yard and stuff my things into black bags, but not as humiliating as going to Matthews school, and removing Ste's name from the safe pick up list, not as humiliating as having everyone in town talking about me. It was awkward having people avoid me- I'm certain it is because they didn't know what to say,or they were afraid Ste would attack them for supporting me, but even though I understood -it still hurt.

It was also emasculating to have my family treating me like a child. I know they were just worried about me, but their attentions were stifling. I was also lonely, I was still unemployed , I hadn't the confidence to try another job, and I was certain my previous employers would give me a terrible reference, so during the day it was just me at home, even Nana had daily activities.

As much as I loved my family ,I missed having a home of my own.

I missed Ste, not the name calling and the hitting, but how helpful he could be with Matthew, the day to day tasks, I missed his kids. I wasn't prepared for how much it would hurt to wake up without him beside me every morning. I wasn't prepared for all the stress involved in trying to start over. The anxiety that had developed since moving out of the home I shared with Ste was overwhelming. Worrying about where he was going to be and what he was going to do coupled, with trying to sort things out for myself and Matthew and managing the fears and worries of family and friends, did my head in. In many ways it was as stressful to be away from Ste, as it was living with him and agonizing over my next move- never knowing if it would draw a barrage of insults or a fist. At times I wondered if it would just be easier to go back and make up.

I tried to forget about Ste and our life together. I tried to erase our history. I deleted old pictures and texts, and most of his voice mails. I tore up old love notes. I tried drinking or smoking when I couldn't stop thinking about him. I tried building myself up- I repeated over and over that I deserved better, that I deserved to be treated well all the time, but I wasn't sure if I did because I hadn't been great in choosing partners-maybe he was the best I could do? I had tried talking it through with a few people, but I didn't say what they wanted me too- they rolled their eyes at me and scornfully said things like " Don't tell me you still love him!"

The truth was I did, and I wished there was a way to have the Ste I had fallen in love with all the time.

I loved Ste, the good things about him: the way he made me laugh, how thoughtful and supportive he could be, the way I didn't need to pretend to be anyone else when I was around him. I knew the way he had been treating me was wrong, but there was so much positivity he added to my life, no one seemed to understand that. I kept my feelings to myself.

It didn't help matters that Ste would call and text me from time to time, and I had ignored him - most of his texts alternated between him being nasty and sweet, but then one day he sent a message like I hadn't received from him in a while- it was completely normal and I replied.

Soon we were messaging, regularly jokes, talking about the kids, shows we had watched,our days, normal stuff. It was nice. I knew my family would be angry I had lied to them about keeping my old number- I thought. about getting rid of it, but I knew how Ste was under stress, and I if he did something stupid I wanted him to have someone to reach out to- even if that person was me. I knew they wouldn't understand so I kept it from them.

Mercedes found out about it though- she thought I had a secret boyfriend, and when I wouldn't tell her who I had been texting and calling, she snatched my phone from me. The look of disgust on her face when she saw Ste's name is one I won't soon forget. Neither will I forget the " talk"- which was mostly Mercedes yelling at me about how stupid I was being, and that instead of calling Ste I should be calling the police.

I tried to explain to her that things weren't so black and white, but she didn't want to hear me. I begged her not to tell anyone. She said if I didn't break it off with Ste, by the end of the day she would. Which is exactly what she did, that evening, she asked me in front of the others if I had officially split up with him.

That had set everyone off.

I don't think I have ever been told I was dumb so often in my life. There was a lot of " How could you John Paul after everything?" it went on that way for a good hour ending with my mum crying about how she should have stuck to her word when I wanted to marry him. I told her it was my choice to marry him. To which she asked " Hasn't he ruined your life enough? When are you going to wake up John Paul? I'm not going to stand by and watch you destroy yourself. I don't want you talking to him and so help me God, if I find out you are carrying on with him- I'll pack your bags and hand you to the devil himself."

That was that. There was no use in trying to talk things through.

I went to bed feeling stressed , guilty, and sad. Ste sent me a text wishing me a good night and that he hoped I had a great day. I replied to him.

I told him about my family and the ultimatum. He wasn't surprised. He told me he understood their concerns, but he was going to prove them wrong, and that I was an adult and could make my own decisions, and that they were the last people with room to judge a relationship. We talked by text for another hour, he made me feel better about my family, and told me he had made an appointment to speak to someone about his anger issues-even sent me the name so I could look them up, his words eased my stress and hurt I was feeling, but I still felt guilty- for communicating with him, and having his words make me feel good.

Our conversation that night ended this way:

Ste: I wish I was there with you holding you, wiping away your tears- making you feel better I miss you. I know it's my fault that I'm not. Do you miss me JP?

Me: Of course I do.

Ste: Then come home. Please.

Me: I can't

Ste: Yes you can.

Me: I love you, but I can't.

Ste: Just come and see me tomorrow then. We can we go out for coffee. Your choice. I want to see you.

Ste: I need to see you. I've missed your smile. Your laugh. Your voice. Your eyes. Your everything.

I convinced myself I was strong enough to tell him I couldn't go back. I had rehearsed it repeatedly " I love you ,but I can't be with you anymore. You're no good for me. I deserve better.", but my mind went blank when I read that text.

Me: I can't

Ste: You can. You know that you want to, that you miss me. You talk to me like this every night. Come talk to me face to face.

Ste:It's just coffee. Nothing more. Okay? No Pressure.

Me: Okay.

Ste: Awesome See you at 4:00.

Me: Okay .Love you.

My phone buzzed one last time the message read

Ste: I love you too John Paul. I'll never stop loving you.

I read through the messages a few more times before deleting them, just in case someone got hold of my phone.

I feel asleep listening to an old voice message of his.

* * *

John Paul had been visiting Ste in recent weeks. At first he had stayed away from him and ignored his calls and texts, but as the weeks wore on John Paul found himself, letting his husband in again.

Ste was still banned from setting foot at the McQueen home, but John Paul was still speaking to him him- a fact that angered Mercedes. She had confronted her brother over this several times, but he was still communicating with him, and now Mercedes worried he had transitioned to visiting him secretly was tired of talking to him about Ste, but she was determined not to allow John Paul to destroy his life.

Which is why she was looking for him now. He had disappeared following a random cousin's birthday party. She wasn't certain, but felt he was with Ste.

Mercedes entered the Odds and Ends " Have you seen John Paul?"

"He hasn't been in. Is everything okay?"

Mercedes rolled her eyes and said " He better not be where I think he is, back with him."

" I might be out of line saying this, but John Paul doesn't need you or anyone else guilting him about seeing his husband right now."

"You're right. You are so out of line. We're McQueens we take care our own, and I don't know who you think you are putting your oar in, so stay out of it. What would you know anyway." She said before turning away from the store.

"More than you think, and if you love your brother at all you'd back off."

Mercy turned around "Listen I don't know what you're playing at or who you think you're talking to, but I will move heaven and earth for my little bro, and no one, not you, not that scum he calls husband is going to stand in my way."

Mark clapped his hands in mock applause." Bravo - the award for best older sister goes to you Mercedes McQueen. I've been there done that .I was the protective big brother ,and my little sister ended up dead. Would you like the same outcome for your brother?

* * *

Inside Odds and Ends Mark told Mercedes about his younger sister Susannah and niece Madeleine.

"Susannah Belle was the youngest of the 4 of us ,from the start her big green eyes always had a twinkle, and even as a baby she had the most contagious giggle and a smile that could brighten even the darkest of rooms- Susie Sunshine we called her. She had us all wrapped around her finger. She was smart, beautiful, life of the party type-everyone's friend, talented too…. she was going to be a professional ballet dancer…. all that went away when our dad and brother , Andrew, were killed in motor accident when Susannah was 16. It was terrible for all of us , but I think it hit Susie the hardest. Anyway, not long after she met Chad. He wasn't anything spectacular, but he seemed to make Susannah happy she said he made her feel " normal again" , after everything we went through losing our dad and brother - it was good to see her smiling again- and for a time she was back to her old self. For a little while anyway, slowly she stopped doing the things she loved. . Things started to go down hill when they announced they were going to be married, and Susannah had put her dream of studying ballet in New York. The real shock was learning Susie was pregnant. Susannah was just 18, we weren't thrilled about it, but Susannah was ,and she was certain she'd be back to her studies after the baby. Her baby girl came in the fall. She was so tiny I nicknamed her Mouse. Madeleine Seraphina Elizabeth Faith was the name Susie picked for her. I teased Susie for giving her such a long name, but Susie said she wouldn't be little forever and she wanted her to have something that sounded strong and permanent. Madeleine was just perfect we all fell in love with her instantly - she was her mother all over again... she had the biggest imagination.- loved fairy stories"

Mark paused for a moment.

"I'm not sure when it all started- I guess the signs were probably there from the start. She always had a story for the bruises,called him loving when he was possessive, always had a reason why she couldn't spend time with us, an excuse for his outbursts and bad behavior when he did come around family. We just didn't understand it...told her she was being stubborn and stupid. I wish someone told us it had nothing to do with that.

I will never forget the scene he caused at our Nana's birthday -accusing her of flirting with an old family friend, and even then she defended him. It was back and forth for years, 4 or 5 times she left him ,only to go back to him, and each time it was worse than before. Oh he'd be good for a time, but sooner or later he'd be back to his old ways. We were terrified for Susie and Maddie, we did everything we knew to do, and eventually it got to the point where we gave Susannah an ultimatum- told her that if she didn't get rid of Chad we didn't want her coming around anymore we were tired of seeing her hurt and tired of the constant chaos Chad brought to our lives and she promised to leave him for good. I helped her move out one last time..."

Mark swallowed and cleared his throat three or for times.

"We didn't know she had gone back to him, I imagine she was too embarrassed to say so after we all guilted her into leaving. We only found out they were together again one afternoon when the police showed up to my mum's door asking if we knew a Chad, Susannah, and Madeleine Corkrey of 13 Caroline Road …. I was the one to go i.d. the bodies- I didn't think my mum or my sister Bridget should see that.

He had taken a gun and killed them before turning it on himself. Just like that they were gone… Madeleine had only had her 7th birthday days before ...we had just seen the two of them...I can still see them smiling , dancing, and hear Madeleine's giggle…"

Mark sighed heavily. " Sunny and Mouse."

Mark stopped speaking and looked down at his hands as the clock on the wall ticked away the seconds of silence.

" I hate that before she died she thought her family hated her and were ashamed of her...that she couldn't be honest with us. I will never forgive myself for that. A few years ago, my family and I set up an organization , Sunny Days, we've helped a lot of people get out of abusive situations, and that eases the guilt some.

But,here's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could tell her how much I love her . I wish I had supported her more. I wish I had been a safe place for her instead of ranting about her husband , and calling her stupid for being with him every chance I got I wish I had helped her come up with a plan to get out…."

Mark grew quiet again.

"I wish I could hug her one more time. Mercedes, I know how much it breaks your heart to see John Paul hurting and being hurt, believe me I know, but he doesn't need threats and ultimatums from you he gets enough of that at home, for whatever reason he loves Ste and wants to be with him, and as much as you hate it ,the decision to break things off for good has to come from him. He doesn't need you to control him. or tell him how stupid he is.

He's at his most vulnerable right now, now that he's left. He's never been in more danger , and he needs you there to support him, not break him further. Be available to him. Be kind to him it just might be your kindness that gives him the strength to leave for good, and if he doesn't leave it'll be your kindness that helps him through tough days. Whatever you do, don't give up on him. Above all else love him... let him know you love him no matter what."

Mercedes looked down at the picture Mark had placed on the table in front of them. The photo was of a little girl in a yellow dress and wearing a birthday tiara her front teeth were missing and she was smiling brightly back at the woman who was kissing her cheek.

Inwardly, she thought of John Paul and how happy he had seemed just hours before at the birthday party, laughing and joking, chasing Matty about, and how quickly he had stuffed his phone into his pocket when he caught her staring at him

For once in her life, Mercedes had nothing to say.


	17. To Rediscover My Love For You Daily

"Going out with Ste tonight?"

Mercedes cornered me as I finished ironing my shirt.

" Yep." I said grabbing my shirt and quickly moving by her I didn't want to hear her lecture me again.

I knew she didn't approve of me seeing Ste, and she had told me so repeatedly, to her credit she hadn't mentioned to anyone else in the family that I had been seeing my husband in secret for weeks.

I took my time getting ready I wanted to look nice for Ste, but mostly I wanted to avoid my sister, and figured the longer I remained upstairs my chances of her getting bored and going out improved.

However, my plan failed as Mercy caught me as I made my way down the stairs.

"So what are the plans for the evening?"

"I've found Matthew a sitter if that's what you mean. I got your message loud and clear."

"That's good...but-"

"Look Mercedes I know what you're thinking. So you can save it I don't want to argue with you tonight."

" I hope you know what you're doing, John Paul! It's like you don't even-" she started, stopped short and the expression on her face changed.

"I'll see you when you get back," she continued and then gave me a quick hug. " I hope. I hope you have a nice time."

"Thanks." I said and stepped out the door.

* * *

"You're wearing your ring." Ste spoke sounding pleasantly surprised.

"I figured the occasion called for it- first date and everything. That sounds so wrong doesn't it?"

Ste smiled.

"Nothing could ever be wrong about you… you and me," he took my hand in his, lightly running the pads of his fingers against my palm- a sensation that I loved "Thank you for coming out with me tonight giving me another chance- I know I don't deserve it after everything I've done-"

"Ste, let's just enjoy the night. Okay? New start and all that."

'I know. I know. But -"

I placed a finger to his lip. "I'm here - let that be enough."

"Here you are.. and looking dead gorgeous as always."

"Thanks- you're looking nice as well." Ste had put obvious effort into his appearance for tonight.

Ste kept looking at me.

"If you want to kiss me, Ste, just ask."

Ste was quiet for a moment.

"May I ...kiss you?"

" God! So formal." I scoffed, but was mostly teasing him. He made a face and then stammered " I thought..I thought-" Inwardly I was enjoying seeing him squirm a bit and be on his best behavior.

" Come here." I pulled him to and kissed him gently, slightly more than a peck.

" Satisfied?" I asked breaking away.

" Hardly." He grabbed me and kissed me with more pressure and passion than I had kissed him. I didn't mind. I enjoyed it. It had been weeks since we had shared this type of intimacy, even before I moved out he had been somewhat cold towards me.

What made the kiss even better , was that it was accompanied by a change in behavior from Ste, the counseling sessions seemed to be working, and he seemed interested in me as a whole person not just an object for him to use , abuse, and control at whim. The few weeks we had been seeing each other in secret, I felt I had gotten to know him in ways I hadn't in all our time together. I was enjoying discovering him, and I think he felt the same.

My hand wandered from his cheek, to his shoulder, and then waist, deepening the kiss as I went.

Ste pulled quickly as my hand reached his lower back.

"We're supposed to be taking things slowly." he explained and then seeing I was slightly embarrassed, squeezed my hand in reassurance.

"Mhm. yeah," I agreed and then nodded stupidly, " So... uh...where'd you get the car?" I asked changing the subject and the mood awkwardly.

"Borrowed it. Wanted something special for the evening." Ste said while walking around and opening the door for me.

* * *

We went to dinner at a nice Italian restaurant where we talked- and if I am honest it was great.

After dinner Ste suggested we drive to a secluded spot to stargaze.

"There's supposed to be some sort of eclipse or something...I don't really know...but I think it might be something you'd like. We don't have to go if you don't want- I can bring you back."

"I'd like to go." Ste took my hand gently in his and we walked to the car.

When we arrived at our destination we got out of the car Ste, clearly prepared for the evening, produced a blanket and spread it on the ground. We talked for a short time about nothing in particular before falling silent and watching the stars.

"Are you having a nice time?"

"Mhmm."

" I know promised you Venice this time last year, and it's not a moonlit gondola ride somewhere in Italy-"

" It's perfect… I've had a really nice time tonight. Thank you." I interrupted his speech with a kiss.

After a few moments of kissing Ste pulled away mumbling something about not wanting to push things too far. I agreed with him, so we went back to talking and watching the sky, we fell silent again my head resting against Ste and he bent his head and kissed me, and I kissed him back. We kissed again, this time more passionately than before , and after a few moments I felt Ste fumbling with my belt buckle, and I didn't stop him.

* * *

I returned home at 2:30 am , doing my best to enter the house quietly , and without waking any curious McQueens. I didn't want to dissect my date with Ste just yet.

The light switched on suddenly, and I saw Mercedes sitting on the settee glaring at me.

I clumsily held my jeans together at the waist, Ste had ripped the zipper and button and lost my belt in his haste.

" I see you had a nice time."

* * *

" I don't get it John Paul. I mean I tried to be understanding- let you're sneaking off with him go, but this. Please, please god tell me you're not having sex with him."

Mercedes finally spoke. We had been sitting in silence for a good 10 minutes since she dragged me to sit with her on the settee: me awkwardly holding together my trousers and Mercedes boring a hole in my head with her looks of judgment.

Given my current state denying the obvious wasn't an option. I dipped my head sheepishly.

" Jesus ! What are you thinking. You're not thinking. It's like what happened meant nothing to you. He punched you in the face, terrorized you for weeks have you forgotten that?" She spat at me," He plays nice few weeks and you go put out."

" That's not fair. You don't understand."

" I'm all ears , John Paul- because I'm seriously confused how my brother could think shagging the same guy who left half his face black and blue, who broke into our home, trashed the place and threatened you is a good idea. I thought you were better than that. Please explain."

I wanted to have a go at her bout how much of a hypocrite she was being given her history with men. I wanted to tell her I was just as confused about my feelings for Ste as she was.

" I know...I know what he did wasn't right. I'm not excusing him, but he's been trying, Mercedes-"

" So does that mean you have to shag him."

"Mercy. please! It's not like that . He's been talking to someone, and he's different now."

" So different that he's ripped half your clothes off."

" Don't say it like that. You make it sound like he forced me..I didn't do anything I didn't want to."

" So this is about your lack of self control."

" And on that note I'm going to bed." I got up and started towards the stairwell.

" Just answer me this then. If he's so changed why are you sneaking about with him like you've got something to hide?"

"Why? " I whirled around to face her.

" Because of this. Because of what you're doing now. I don't want to be interrogated an judged for talking to my husband. It's bad enough dealing with you. Could you imagine if I told Mum and Nana I wanted to have Ste over? They made it very clear what they think of him, and what would happen if I dared to see him. I'm not about to tell them that-" There I stopped myself.

"What? " Mercedes prodded.

" Nothing."

" John Paul!" she exclaimed in exasperation.

" I'm not going to tell them that I've been talking to him, seeing him. That he makes me feel good when I'm around him, That when we're apart I miss him like mad."

Mercedes huffed. " Do you have feelings for him John Paul? Do you still love him?"

I didn't make eye contact with her but I nodded.

" Oh god! John Paul! "

" And he loves me as well-" I cut her off before she could continue.

" If he loved you John Paul he never would have hurt you. If he love you he would be here right now"

" Well he doesn't exactly have that choice now does he being banned and all." I lashed at her I lowered my voice

" I don't expect you to understand" I shrugged " I'm off to bed, Should get some sleep Matty'll be up in a few hours... 'night Mercy."

I turned and started up the stairs.

" John Paul wait!" She called after me.

" What?" I answered pausing mid climb.

" I'll talk to mum and Nana for you- about Ste."


	18. I Swear To You My Life

Mercedes had made good on her promise and spoken to Nana and Mum on my behalf.

I had received an earful from them about carrying on with Ste, but they relented and compromised a little.

Though Ste was still prohibited from setting foot inside the house, they did not object to us meeting in the front yard, we still met at various places away from McQueen headquarters when we wanted a bit of privacy, we hadn't slept together since the one time, we both agreed to cool things as that level of intimacy would only serve to further complicate, an already difficult situation. I had been pleasantly surprised at how willing Ste was to abstain.

For me, it was if a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders, it was a huge relief not to have to sneak around to see my husband and worry about my family catching us.

Ste visited me daily. We sat outside for hours talking on the front step. Some member of my family was constantly peering at us from the window , but I didn't care.

This went on for weeks , until during one visit Ste pleaded with me to come home.

Ste squeezed my hand as he spoke " I've missed you. I wish you'd come home. Leah and Lucas miss you too, and you won't believe how much Hannah has grown."

" I've missed them too. We still have the story going, but it's not the same as seeing them every week."

Ste smiled. " I've missed Matty as well. It's not the same getting ready in the morning and not finding his cars or a lego in my shoes. I miss Friday night dinners with all of us. I miss us- there hasn't been a day, one hour, one second since you've been gone that I haven't thought about you.."

" Me too."

" Why don't you come home then."

I lowered my gaze to my lap.

" I know you're scared John Paul. You've got every right to be. I've treated you-." He looked down. " I will never forgive myself for what I've done to you. Never. I don't know why you are even talking to me. I'm glad that you are, but I don't deserve it. I put you through hell. I wouldn't blame you if you hated me forever. I'm a monster" I was taken aback by not only the contrition in his voice , but also the humility he really understood this time.

" Don't say that." I looked up at him.

" It's true- or at least it was. I've been working on myself. I swear I've changed, and I know I've said that to you before, but I think I've shown that to you this last month. Haven't I?"

I nodded.

" I'd like to show you more, but I can't when I'm banned from this place." He tipped his head through the house where Theresa, Mum, and Nana were jostling for space in the window.

" They just care about me, Ste."

" I know. I know. They should, and I haven't given them a reason to think highly of me. But I know we'll never get a fair chance with you staying here. That is if you want to give me a shot at being your husband. I know- I know I have no right to even suggest that after everything."

" I want to. but …I can't do this again.. I mean what if..." I was surprised at my honesty and how broken I sounded. I meant to be strong, but it was hard keeping my emotions in check when he was right in front of me being vulnerable.

Ste moved his hand from my shoulder to gently brush my hair from my forehead

" I am so ,so sorry ,John Paul - for everything I've done to make you afraid, to make you doubt me, to make you doubt yourself. If there was a way I could take it back I would . I would. I can't though, and you have no idea how much that kills me inside. I can't change the past, but I can change the future, and I swear to you John Paul, I swear I will spend the rest of my life showing you that, making up for all the wrong I've done to you. I won't let you down, J P. I will never hurt you again. I just want to be with you-properly forever. I love you so much. "

He was tracing my wedding band with his fingers, as he spoke to me- saying everything I wanted to hear " So please let me show you. Come home, please." He begged.

Me sat there looking at his blue eyes thinking of all we had been through, how wonderful he could be, and our life together with the kids, and my feelings for him- I knew what my answer should be, but saying the words proved harder than I imagined. A small voice inside me reminded me he didn't deserve a chance, but a louder voice, wanted what he just told me to be true recalled all the memories of recent weeks and how amazing he had been to me. The louder voice was drowning out the other, and I was quickly losing all my courage.

" I can't." I repeated weakly.

" You can. You can trust me."

" It's too soon."

"Who says?"

"Ste." I pleaded as inwardly I was rapidly losing my resolve.

" Okay. Okay. Maybe you don't come back home. But maybe we start seeing more of each other. Maybe you'll let me see Matty? I really miss the little guy, and I bet he misses his Daddy Ste as well."

I nodded. " Yeah. He does. Asks for Tee-Tee all the time

"See then. He wants us together."

" But Ste-"

" What do you say to you, me and the little guy at the park this weekend.?" He interrupted me.

Now tracing the outline of my chin with his fingers " We can kick the ball around, have that picnic you were always talking about, maybe get some sweeties after. In a week or two we can include Leah and Lucas. What do you say, babe?"

I nodded " Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I smiled at him showing a little more enthusiasm.

He lunged forward and pressed me into a tight hug. " I'm so happy." he kissed me and I melted into him deepening our kiss. Ste pulled away abruptly. leaving me confused. Seeing my expression he gently stroked my face, and kissed my cheek.

" I'll be back Saturday at 11 for you and Matty."

* * *

Saturday came and went and the picnic went off as planned, we had gorgeous weather, an it felt so right to have my family, me , Ste, and Matty , together again.

Two more weekends spent the same way, and my mind was made up. I called him one late Saturday night, and told him to expect me home the following morning- he came to pick me up from the McQueens just after 7. I hadn't gotten dressed, and was in the middle of giving Matthew his breakfast.

As he waited for Matthew to finish eating, he tossed our belongings into bags and brought them out to his waiting car.

The minute Matthew finished eating , Ste carried him out to the car, barely stopping for the girls to kiss him goodbye.

My family were less than enthusiastic about my decision to give Ste another chance, but to my surprise they hadn't lectured me on it. Though I hadn't given them much time to think on it, I only told them that morning and then Ste had turned up.

With a hug from my mum and a final warning of " I hope you know what you're doing John Paul." We were off.

Once home ,Ste dumped our bags he was carrying on the floor, swiftly locked the door behind us, took Matthew from me holding him in one arm, and with his free hand grasped my fingers, and led the three of us upstairs.

He sat Matthew on the floor of his room , setting him up with an ipad, closed the door on him, and raced us towards our bedroom.

He basically threw me onto a bed , and with a " I missed you so much," He hurriedly made love to me. After round two I attempted to cool things by pointing out to him that there was no way Matthew was still in his room with his ipad , an was now probably destroying the house.

To which he replied " Don't care. I've been thinking about this for weeks, and I'm not about to miss a single moment of you."

"Well fortunately for you, I do care, and as amazing as all that was. I've become accustomed to having a son and living in a house and all that. I'd rather he not set fire to the place."

Ste groaned in disappointment as I rolled away from him to make myself decent, but acknowledged I was talking sense.

I gave him a quick peck before leaving to check on Matthew.

" Are you happy to be back?" He asked me.

" Very."

"Good. "Cause I was worried that with your family and everything."

" It's tough, but I'm not worried."

" No?"

" No," I pointed to the door." Matthew."

Ste nodded. " Of course. Just wanted to make sure you 're happy."

" I am." I slipped out the door, and then peeped my head back in. " Tonight, after the monkey's asleep, I'll show you just how happy I am."

I've never seen Ste grin wider " I'll hold you to it."

* * *

Monday was spent as usual running errands and organizing my belongings. On one of my shop errands I ran into Mark.

We chatted briefly about not important things before I turned are conversation serious.

" I never thanked you , for helping me out like you did- that day."

He waved his hand at me. " You would have done the same for me."

I nodded.

" So how have you been? Holding up alright?"

Again I nodded. " . I've been good." I hesitated anticipating the negative reaction I would get from him once I revealed I was still with Ste.

" Actually...Actually Ste and I are still together. We worked things out."

"Oh."

I could not tell if his 'Oh' was one of shock , disappointment, or disgust.

"He's changed, talked to someone, we're taking it slow and-"

" You don't have to justify your decision to me , John I'm not your mum." Mark stated simply.

His words stung. In the day between leaving and moving back in with Ste my family had found their voices.

I sighed.

" What to talk about it?" Mark asked noticing the change in my demeanor

I shook my head.

" Okay."

Something about the way he said the word made me want to tell him.

"My family's been after me about it is all. "

He nodded " They just want you to be safe. He did leave you with a black eye."

I shifted my gaze back down to my bags, which ironically served as a reminder of what had transpired the last time I encountered Mark at the shops.

" I know." I muttered quietly. " It's-" I couldn't find the words I wanted to use to defend my choice to give Ste another chance.

"Tough? " Mark offered

It was now my turn to nod. " Yeah."

" Want to talk about it?" he asked again.

I didn't. I suddenly felt exposed.

" I've got to dash. I want to get this stuff home before. I get Matthew."

He nodded. "Well I'll see you around then. Tell the little one hello for me will you?"

" I will."

We parted ways.

* * *

The first three weeks back with Ste were bliss.I couldn't ask for a more perfect husband. By the fourth week he had started finding fault with every thing I did, by the fifth week he had started clinching his fists to the point his knuckles went ghostly white, when I had done something to irritate him, and more than once when speaking to me he had raised his voice. The Saturday of the fifth week, he shoved me against a wall , grabbed my wrists and raised his fist to me. I froze in terror, and instinctively turned my head, hunching my shoulders in a protective stance. He had dropped his fist quickly, took me in his arms, held me tightly and apologized profusely.

A week later I annoyed him about something, it could have been my asking that we see his counselor together, I was worried we were falling into old patterns and I wanted us to get back on track before things spiraled out of control. My other mistakes had been: washing his tracksuit in fabric conditioner, and then melting it in the dryer- that had angered him, wanting to spend time with Jack & Drew and that crew, or talking to him period- he was back to ignoring me that week. I made things worse when I tried to make amends, and reached for his hand- attempting to get his attention and talk to him. He punched me for that- landing two or three punches to my face, he wound up to hit me again, and through my hands I was using to protect my head- I could see in his eyes he had lost control. I dropped my hands for a minute, and made eye contact with him. His wrist went limp , and he backed away from me quickly before racing out the door.

I waited to hear the sound of his car starting before I moved. Once I was certain he was gone, I quickly washed the blood from my face, threw some clothes and a few essentials into a bag for me and Matthew, gathered my son from his cot without waking him and left.


	19. Forsaking All Others

I walked aimlessly for a bit, not sure where I was going other than away from the house and away from Ste, true I in't know exactly where Ste was.

I considered my options, I had no money of my own so a night at a motel wasn't an option.

I first went round to my family. I had hesitated at first feeling ashamed and knowing they would be eager to point out they had been right, but I found myself walking in that direction, however when I arrived no one was in. I peered through the window , and it appeared I had missed out on some sort of to-do. I can't say I was surprised I hadn't been invited, it was probably impromptu, and even if it wasn't I had managed to attend exactly 2 McQueen events in the last year, they probably figured it wasn't worth the trouble to ask me, when I would only decline.

I understood their logic,but , it still hurt.

I thought of Nancy who had offered me a place to crash. "Whenever you need it," had been her words,so I called her, and she told me it was a bad time, but to ring her in the morning and we could talk.

That left me with Mark, the police, or spending the night out on the streets- something I wasn't keen on for myself and absolutely not an option I would pick for Matthew.

I went round to Mark's his shop was closed, but as he had instructed in the past I went round back and rang the doorbell twice. After waiting a bit the door opened, and a beautiful dark head woman poked her head out.

" Hello. Can I help you?"

" I'm looking for Mark. Mark Kent is he in?"

" And you are?"

" Sorry, John Paul."

Her expression immediately softened.

" Oh John Paul, and this must be little Matthew," She smiled at my son who was sleeping in my arms.

"Mark's just popped in the shower. He'll be out in about 10 minutes if you'd like to come in." She stepped to the side making room to enter. "I'm Bridget by the way."

It dawned on me that Mark was in the middle of a date. I could not interrupt his romantic evening for my self- created problem. I was also bothered that she knew our names, I tried to assuage my worries by telling myself there were at least half dozen reasons why Mark's girlfriend would know my and Matthew's names, and none of those reasons involved knowing about Ste beating me.

" Uh actually…. actually it's not so important. I'll pop over tomorrow or something. Lovely to meet you Bridget."

" You as well. I'll tell him you came round." " Would you like me to have him call you?"

I waved her suggestion away. " It's nothing really. We were just in the area and I thought I'd say hello."

" You sure you don't want to wait? I can pour us a brew and get some biscuits for the baby."

I shook my head " I wouldn't want to interrupt. Thanks though." I turned quickly and walked away.

I was now down to my final option of the police. I still didn't want to involve the authorities for many reasons, among them I just didn't think they'd believe me. I mean what sort of man gets raped by a teenager and beaten black and blue by another man in two years time?

In my own mind I could hear their questioning- the taunting tone of their voices.

I'm married to another bloke, it's not the same as if he was pushing a girl around- right? I rationalized to myself.

They would definitely think of me as a girl . That thought made me cringe.

A new thought occurred to me, what would happen to Matthew while I was speaking to the investigators? What if they did believe me? What if they decided I was an unfit dad for letting him around the violence and an addict?

Would they take him from me?

I already had a conviction on my record, and I didn't exactly have a plethora of people willing to vouch for my good character and sound judgment at the moment.

No, I absolutely could not go to the police.

Down to the park bench option, I trudged back to my place. Back to Ste.

* * *

Matthew and I returned to an empty house. I fed my son a late dinner, bathed him , and put him to bed.

I then set to work unpacking the bag I had put together for us.

Ste returned home , just as I was finished unpacking, and was sat on the bed folding laundry.

" You made it back I see."

He knew I had been gone.

" Went for a little walk. Thought it might help Matty to sleep better." I lied.

" And you needed your rucksack for the walk?"

He knew.

"No."

Ste shifted his weight as he leaned against the door frame.

" So where were you going?"

" I just wanted to visit my mum. Hadn't seen her in awhile."

He moved into our room " And you were thinking of staying the night?"

I nodded.

He raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

" I mean I wasn't at first. I just took the rucksack for Matthew, you know how he gets. I just wanted a few toys and his pajamas on hand in case we stayed late and he got fussy. Tired."

Ste sat down on the bed beside me.

" So you just wanted to be prepared eh?"

I nodded keeping my eyes on the laundry.

" Why haven't you looked at me J.P.? Why are you lying to me?"

" I'm not ,just in a hurry. Trying to get this done so I can go to bed." I looked up at him briefly.

" Tired?"

" Yeah." I nodded.

"Oh, so why'd you come back?"

" Hmm?"

" From your mum's . You were well prepared to stay late. Why are you here?," he looked at his watch. " It's just now half 8."

I moved the pile of folded clothes to the basket on the floor, and started on the pile of towels on the bed.

" I... um I…"

" That's right John Paul get your story straight."

I bent down for another of the crimson towels that needed folding

He grabbed one of my wrists stopping my action.

" I know you're lying to me. Do you really think I'm that stupid." He hissed jerking me towards him.

" I'm not lying. Ste I went round my family's, but no one was in, so I came back."

He jerked me again this time with more force.

" Please , Ste. Don't." I pleaded.

He shook his head " You're still lying to me. Pathetic little coward. Can't even be man enough to tell me to my face you were leaving. You were sick of me." His nails were digging into my flesh now, drawing blood from my wrists.

" Please. Ste you're hurting me."

He squeezed harder. " Oh am I? Kind of like it hurt me when I come home to find my husband has run off and abandoned me."

" I didn't abandon you-" he pressed down with his nails harder, raking at my skin. I yelped out in pain ,I then quickly sucked my lip between my teeth to keep from making any more nose, worried I'd wake Matthew or further anger Ste.

Biting down caused me to reopen the wound left on my lip from Ste's earlier punches -drawing blood.

His nails were still clawing at my wrists, ripping the skin and I could feel my eyes starting to smart from the pain.

" Go on tell me. You didn't abandon me , you just took your bag, and our kid and went for a spontaneous walk in the evening and didn't bother to tell me or leave a message. That's all. Right John Paul?"

I nodded stupidly.

With another jerk he let go. I hid my throbbing wrists by folding my arms to myself and bending over slightly. I tried to dry my eyes using my shoulder.

Ste suddenly grabbed my upper arm and yanked me towards him.

"Do you know what it's like to come home and find your family gone? Do you know how that makes me feel?" He was shouting at me. "Do you think I deserve that? I'm tired of how thoughtless and selfish you are, John Paul"

I broke away from him.

" No I don't. Probably a lot like I felt when you punched me in the face. Did I deserve this? I asked pointing to my face," Or this? " I raised my wrists to him.

I looked down again not really wanting to cry in front of him. " You promised me. You swore on your kids' lives you wouldn't hurt me again. Remember that? We were laying right here,my first night back-remember? You were holding me in your arms, stroking my hair, told me how sorry you were. I told you over and over it wasn't needed, but you insisted, and you took my hand and you swore to me."

I swallowed to gain control over my voice.

" So were you lying to me? Eh?" My voice and nose were clogged with tears, so I quickly sucked air through my nose to stop the tears from falling.

"What do you need? I don't want to be away from you, but I'm tired of being hurt by you Ste, and it seems the only way to keep you from doing that is to be apart. What am I going to do, eh? "Cause not even your kids are enough."

Ste moved quickly to where I was standing, placed his hands around the back of my head and then down towards my neck, then drew me into him as if to hug me , but instead of a hug he kneed me in the groin.

"How dare you bring my kids into this!" he shrieked, caught me as I doubled over ,and threw me to the bed. He pressed one of his legs against me weighing me down further and I panicked at the thought of what he'd do next. His face was deep red, and pouring sweat. I struggled with him, and with one last effort, I managed to kick one of his legs, get him off balance and he landed on the floor. I moved as quickly as I was able. stumbled along the way, but managed to get downstairs to the kitchen and retrieved my phone from the countertop. I don't know who I was thinking of calling, but it didn't matter, as Ste had managed to catch up to me before I managed to call anyone.

"What the hell are you doing John Paul?" He didn't shout but his voice was so cold and chilling it stopped any movement I was making.

" I asked you a question!" he roared at me swinging as he did. His blow knocked my phone from my hands and sent it crashing to the floor.

"Who were you calling? Who?" he hollered at me.

I hesitated not knowing what the correct answer would be, and certain it didn't matter to Ste.

" I asked you a question," he hissed at me between clinched teeth. "Answer me." he approached and gathered my shirt in his heads. "Answer me." This time he shook me banging the back of my head against the wall twice. He brought his hands to rest at my throat.

" Answer me." his voice was now at a whisper, but seemed far more threatening than when he had been shouting.

" I don't know, Ste. No one. Okay? No one." I was trembling as I answered and he slapped me.

" Liar!" he accused

I shook my head " I didn't call anyone Ste. I swear." He raised his fist again, but before his blow could land, my phone rang.

We both stared at my mobile vibrating and lighting up on the tile floor.

"Answer it." Ste commanded.

I didn't move.

"Go on." he jerked my arm, so I complied and stooped down, just as I got my fingers on the phone, Ste raised his foot and brought the full weight of himself down against the phone , smashing it, and catching 2 of my fingers in the process. I grabbed my hand and winced in pain.

" Whoops! Sorry about that wee bit clumsy," He taunted be fore his voice grew darker " I'll give you one more chance, J. P. Who were you calling?"

" No one."

"Then why did you have your phone out?" he shouted in my ear.

" I-I... I was scared Ste... I wanted someone to talk to... I..."

"Somewhere to go you mean. You were leaving again."

"N-no. I wasn't. I wasn't."

" Yes you were!" He slammed his fist into the wall above my head causing me to jump. " Twice in one day. Even though you swore you were happy."

" Ste, I -"

" Shut up!"

" I heard what you said upstairs. That you're tired of me. Then you come down here running to chat to you sisters or your boyfriend."

" I didn't say...I didn't do..."

" I told you to shut up!" he swung at me again, but purposely didn't land his punch , he laughed when I flinched and turned away from me anxiously running his fingers through his hair and pacing. I hoped it was a sign of him calming down. It wasn't.

He turned back to me and wagged his fingers in my face.

" If you want to leave me so bad, go."

" What?"

" Go John Paul. Get the hell out. Selfish . pain in my ass. I can't stand to look at you."

" Ste, I-"

" I said go!"

I cowered away from his fist and tripped over my feet as I attempted to evade him.

" Ste you can't...Matthew."

He grabbed me under my arm , jerked me upright, and started dragging me out of the room. " It's you I want gone. I'm sick of the sight of you."

I managed to free myself ,but he caught me again by shoving me to the ground and grabbing me up , and he continued dragging me towards the door ,this time by my hair.

We got to our front door and he pushed me outside into the rain.

" You don't deserve how I treat you , eh? You're sick and tired of me, eh? Let's see how you do on your own."

He gave me a good shove and I landed on the cement scraping myself, as I got up I could hear the door being slammed and locked.

* * *

That was that , once again, I was locked out of my home in the cold, damp night, no jacket, no phone, barefoot, beaten, broken, and bleeding.

" What the hell am I to do?" I asked myself.

I thought about leaving, walking to a friend's house, but figured I wouldn't get far barefoot, and I was embarrassed just thinking about turning up at someone's doorstep looking like I was, so I waited, and hoped Ste would relent by morning.

I don't know how long I was outside, the sky grew darker, the air colder, and the rain stopped and started several times. At least 2 hours passed before I heard the door unlock, and Ste stepped outside to join me.

He sat down beside me.

" John Paul?" his voice was gentle.

" Yeah?"

" It's your Nana. Mercedes called. She's in hospital. She's had a stroke at dinner, and has been rushed into emergency surgery, and they don't know if she'll make it through the night."

My mouth fell open "What?"

" We need to get you to hospital right away."

Ste worked quickly, helping me in my stunned state to find shoes, and a coat, and bundling Matthew up within 15 minutes we were on our way to the hospital. We didn't speak on the way to the hospital, but as Ste drove he held my hand, and I mostly thought about my Nan. I also realized the reason for my family's absence earlier in the evening, and was hurt that no one had called me as soon as the emergency had occurred.

* * *

Reuniting with my family at the hospital was awkward. Every single one of them took note of my black eye, fat lip, and scratched knuckles , it was a good job my wrists were hidden under my hoodie sleeves, and my high-collared navy peacoat hid the finger marks on my neck, or the dirty looks Ste received may have turned into actual blows.

I felt like an outsider. I was updated on what had happened ,but it was clear where I stood with the family- I sat on one side , Matthew in my arms, with Ste beside me, and everyone else was sat on the opposite side of the waiting room. Noticing my family's glares, Ste wrapped an arm around my shoulder and rubbed my arm comfortingly. Without thinking, I rested my head against his shoulder.

I'm certain I heard one of the girls gag, in response Ste kissed my cheek.

" I need something stronger. Coffee ain't doing it." Mercedes declared before she got up and excused herself.

Ste left the hospital early in the morning to have a shower, get breakfast, and bring Matthew to nursery.

When he was gone, my family took the opportunity to lay into me, only they took their jabs as if I wasn't seated only a few spaces from them.

" I can't believe he'd bring him here.!"

"Oh, but he's changed so much, didn't you know."

" Some nerve! After ignoring our phone calls! too."

" I can hear you you know. I am sitting right here, and I wasn't ignoring your calls. I was…. taking care of something...handling Matthew. For your information, I came round in the evening and you were all gone, thanks for the invite by the way." I cried out in defense.

"We were going to invite you, but figured why bother? He'll have to check with Ste and won't show up anyway."

" That's not fair… " I calmed myself in effort to obtain peace " look all I want is to be here when Nana wakes up. I don't want to argue."

" Are you sure that's what you want or do you need to check in with Ste first?"

" Right. I'm going to get a coffee. Someone let me know if there's any change please."

* * *

I took my coffee outside, drinking it slowly. My thoughts were occupied with Nana and how little I had seen her the last few months. My family was right to be annoyed with me.

" Matthew's off at nursery." Ste approached pulling me from my wallowing.

" What are you doing out here all by your lonesome?" He joined me on the bench.

I held up my now empty coffee cup as explanation.

Ste nodded. " How's Marlena?"

I shrugged. " Don't know. I guess no change. Nobody's been out to tell me anything."

Ste gave me a sidelong glance.

" They don't seem to want me around. So I came out here, told them to let me know if anything happens."

" I don't understand, why bother calling you if they were going to give you a hard time, " he stood up, " It's not right -them treating you this way I'm going to have a word." I grabbed his arm.

" Don't , Ste. Please. You've already done enough."

He tipped his head " Me?""

I nodded. " They know you've hit me again, and they already hated that I got back with you. I think seeing you here is just-"

" I'm here to support you. My husband." He sat down beside me.

" I know. I know that, but I think maybe it be better if you just go home."

" John Paul!"

" Please Ste! Things are already bad enough. I don't want anymore trouble. I'm tired." I could hear my voice starting to break.

Ste wiped his mouth. " Come here." he held me pulled me towards him in tight embrace, after a long time I backed out " I should get back in there."

" Okay." He gave me a quick kiss and pressed my hand comfortingly " I'll see you at home."

I nodded.

" She'll pull through. If it's one thing I know McQueen women are tough as nails, and Marlena's the original." He kissed the top of my head."

"Thanks." I murmured. Ste nodded and turned to go. He turned suddenly mid pace " Don't worry about Matty. I'll make sure he's cared for."

* * *

Back inside, not much had changed. My family stopped chatting when I entered the waiting area. They didn't say much to me outside a few comments about Matthew and liking my coat, mostly I passed the time pretending to read dated and dogeared magazines.

Another hour passed before we were told Nana was able to receive visitors in recovery, mum and Auntie Reenie went in first, and then the the grandkids were meant to go in, as I moved to the door, mum grabbed my arm.

" John Paul, love, maybe it's best you don't go in."

"What? Mum, why?"

" "It's just mum's been pretty upset with you these last weeks over you moving back in with Ste, and now with your face all bruised up."

" But mum-"

" I know sweatheart, but I have to think of Nana. Once we get her home."

I nodded feeling defeated " Give her my love then."

" I will love." she patted my cheek and followed the others behind the swinging doors.

Shoulders sagging I started for home.

* * *

I met Ste at the door in tears. He gathered me in his arms and guided me to the sofa, I collapsed against him sobbing. He held me close, and waited till my tears had subsided to a sniffle before he asked " Is everything okay with your Nana?"

Ste kept an arm around me as I sat up. I nodded and wiped my eyes before speaking. " Yeah she's awake,"

" John Paul that's amazing!" He hugged me, paused and pulled back slightly " Why are you crying then?"

" They won't let me see her. Say I'll upset her too much."

Ste cursed. " John Paul they can't- it isn't right."

' I think they hate me, Ste. What am I going to do?" the tears started falling again.

He pulled me towards, him so that once again my head was rested against his shoulder, my hands clinging to his back. " Come here." he murmured " We'll sort this, don't worry. I'll take care of it. I've got you. " he soothed as he brushed stray pieces of hair from my forehead. " Don't you worry, John Paul."

* * *

True to his word Ste was extremely supportive, he went into overdrive tending to me and Matthew. Every night, the entire two weeks my Nana was in hospital recovering, Ste held me until I stopped crying and fell asleep.

Once she was permitted to go home, I still wasn't allowed to see her. At first it was my family asking me to stay away, and then Nana herself. I had called round hoping to see her, but she sent me away.

I was kept abreast of her progress, by daily phone chats with my mum, and I was hopeful , that on time she would forgive me for " Choosing Ste over the family," as she put it , and allow me back into the fold.

At least mum was speaking to me, and my sisters had started texting me again, it wasn't perfect, but it was progress.

Though I missed them I had my own family of Matthew and Ste to focus on. Ste, had been truly wonderful, the way he had cared for me during this difficult time had nearly erased all memories of him attacking me and throwing me out of the house the night Nana became ill.

I no longer wanted to leave him, good or bad he was the one constant person I had in my life supporting me.

I wasn't reminded of his men streak until the phone bill came. The daily calls to my mum had added up, and Ste was not pleased.

It was a Friday night, we had all the kids, and they were upstairs playing, and I was in the kitchen fixing dinner.

Ste stormed into the kitchen and waved the bill in front of my face . " What the hell is this? Who the fuck have you been phoning?" he demanded.

" My mum. She's been upset, and she's been keeping me updated on Nana, and I've been texting the girls."

" Well it has to fucking stop. We can't afford bills like this!"

" You said it would be alright I asked- we could if we-"

I didn't see it coming, just felt my head snap back and my cheek smart in pain " I didn't ask for suggestions. I said no such thing. Just fucking stop."

I didn't really react. I couldn't say I was surprised. Maybe disappointed , as all my hopes I had built up the last weeks came crashing down around me, with one swing of his fist.

I didn't say anything, just turned around and went back to chopping up the cheese and peppers for dinner.

Ste dropped the bill to the table and came round to hug me, slipping one arm around my waist.

" I'm sorry John Paul...it's just that you..." I kept focused on my chopping.

Ste gently turned me towards him, and massaged my reddened cheek with the pad of his thumb. " I'm so so sorry, J. P. I don't know what I was thinking. What came over me, You were right, You call your mum-talk to your family as much as you like. Please forgive me John Paul. Please babe?"

What was I to say or do? The kids were in the house, and if I didn't accept his apology, there was no telling what he might do, I couldn't chance it ,especially with Leah and Lucas upstairs, if they heard something they'd come running, and there was no telling what they might see.

Plus, I just wanted to get on with it, finish dinner, and carry on with the evening like we had planned.

" It's fine." I whispered and turned back to the food I was preparing.

He kissed my sore cheek. " What are you making?"

" Chicken tacos and rice with pepper strips." I answered keeping my eyes on the cutting board.

" Oh. That's different. You think the kids will eat it?"

" I hope so. but I can make something else if you like, though it's getting kind of late."

" No. No of course not. Don't be daft. i'm sure it will be great. I'll go round up the kids have them clean up and wash for dinner." He gathered up the offending bill and planted another kiss on my cheek before going.

Once he was gone I wiped his kiss from my cheek with my elbow.

Dinner went smoothly , the kids ate several servings of the tacos and rice. Leah asked why my cheek was red and I told her I walked into the cupboard door, she and Lucas thought that hysterical.

Ste cleaned up from dinner and I played with the kids.

* * *

The remainder of the weekend was uneventful, and Ste's kids returned to their mother's Sunday afternoon.

I spent the remainder of the day avoiding Ste. He wasn't in a bad mood or anything, but I simply was not in the mood to be around him.

Ste spent the day playing on his phone and watching TV, I bargained with him to keep an eye on Matthew while brought up the laundry, cleaned up the kitchen, and got Matthew's bath ready.

An hour or so later after cleaning up I took Matthew upstairs to get him bathed and ready for bed.

20 minutes into bath time Ste barged into the room, just as I was fishing Matthew from the tub.

"Can I help you?"

" I've been calling your name the last 15 minutes."

"I didn't hear you I've been a little busy. What's the problem?

"We're out of Shreddies."

"There's another box in the pantry."

" No there isn't I've already checked."

I sat Matthew down on the floor toweled him off and he took of running towards his room. I started after him. and Ste blocked my path.

"Shreddies?"

"Matthew." I replied and pushed by him.

Ste followed me " I thought I told you to make sure to get an extra box."

" I'm sure I did."

" Well that can't be because we're out.

" I will check. Soon as I get Matthew to bed."

"You'll check now." Ste shoved me in the direction of the stairs. I grabbed the wall to steady myself.

"Daddy!" I heard Matthew call from his bedroom. Ste stared at me a few seconds, but finally moved out of the way, and I went to tend to Matthew.

Twenty minutes later, my son was asleep. I closed the door to his room, and found Ste waiting for me. I brushed past him to make my way downstairs to the kitchen, Ste following close behind. I checked the pantry to find Ste was correct.

" I thought there was another box. Sorry."

" I asked you to get 3, especially when we have the kids for the weekend. Didn't I?"

" Yeah. Yeah you did. I'll get some when I do the shopping tomorrow. I'll make you something. Will eggs do?"

"That's not the point John Paul."

" I said I was sorry Ste. What am I to do? I can't exactly pop over to the store now at a quarter til 11 at night."

"That's not the point either."

"What is your point?"

"You don't listen to me. I don't ask much of you. I don't complain about you being home all day sitting on your arse. So I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you to get it right when I ask for something so simple. You can count right?"

"Do you want the eggs or not?"

" I wanted Shreddies."

"Right . I'm going to bed."

"No your not. I changed my mind I want the eggs."

I wanted to refuse to make them, but I knew that would only serve to make the situation worse.

" How do you want them?"

"Scrambled."

I started the eggs scrambling.

"Changed my mind. I want them fried." I scraped the scrambled eggs from the pan into a storage container and start frying new eggs.

" Actually I don't want eggs."

"What do you want?"

"Shreddies. But you see I can't have them because my idiot husband didn't buy enough, because he was too busy ignoring me like he did all day today."

Not willing to be party to his tantrum I set the pan down and started back up stairs. " Goodnight, Ste."

In bed I could hear him slamming about the kitchen, and I hoped he didn't wake Matthew .

Fifteen minutes later, he came upstairs, slipped under the duvet and started pawing at me. I ignored him at first, and then shoved his hands away.

" I'm trying to sleep."

He didn't stop the fondling. " You promised, once Matthew was in bed..."

" Yeah well. I'm tired now." I scooted out of his reach.

Ste stopped, but barely 10 minutes later he was at it again. This time I got out of the bed and grabbed my robe.

" Where you going?"

"Don't know. Figure I sleep on the couch. Away from you."

"Don't be like that, John Paul. How do you expect me to behave after you've ignored me all day?"

He was following me, I could hear his voice close behind and the sound of his socks padding along the carpet, but I ignored him.

" Look at me!" he cried as I reached the stairwell, and was about to make my way down, and in one quick burst he punched me in the back of the head.

I tumbled down the stairs grateful to land on my backside, but I had hit my face in the process and my lip had split. I wiped the blood on the sleeve of my robe.

It took a few moments to regain my focus. I got to my feet intending to make it to the sofa, instead I felt Ste take me by the hand and help me up. He was apologetic, swearing he hadn't meant to, that it was an accident. He helped me upstairs, gave me a cold cloth for my lip, and went downstairs briefly before returning with a bag of frozen peas for my head.

He crawled into bed beside me and cuddled me.

I waited until he was sound a sleep and snoring before I freed myself from his hold. Quietly I changed out of my robe and pajamas, went to Matthew's room , scooped him out of his cot, wrapped him in a heavy duvet , tiptoed down the stairs, and crept out of the house.

* * *

The night air was cold, but we made it to our destination. I knocked as softly as I could on the door, not wanting to ring the doorbell and wake the entire house up.

I heard shuffling inside and a very grumpy " Who the hell comes round at half 11 at night-?"

Mum was awake.

The door swung open.

" I know it's late, but do you think I can stay the night? I'll crash on the sofa , and be out by morning."


	20. A Man Shall Leave His Mother

Mum hastily took Matthew from my arms, and still sleeping and wrapped in the duvet she carried him to her room and laid him on her bed, nestling him between the pillows.

Closing the door softly behind her she took my hand and guided me back downstairs towards the living room.

" You can join him, after we talk. I won't hear of you sleeping on the sofa."

" Mum, I can't let-"

She shushed me with her finger. " Come on. I'll put the kettle on and we'll talk."

Down in the kitchen we sat in silence, me cupping my tea. The warmth of the cup generating throughout my body. As we sat sipping our tea, she reached across the counter and tenderly brushed my bruised cheek and lips with her fingers.

" I'm going to kill him."

" Mum!" I gasped.

" What? I hate him John Paul, and so help me God if I..."

" You'll do nothing. You don't even know what's gone on." I pushed my mug from me and stood up from the table.

"So?" my mother prompted. "Tell me what happened?"

" I don't really want to talk about it , mum."

" Uh. I think you lost that vote when you came round at nearly midnight begging for a place to sleep."

" We had a fight."

" Too right you did. I can see that by looking at your face. I told you John Paul. I warned you-"

" Yeah. You did You were right okay," I can't do this right now."

I turned away and made my way from the kitchen.

" Go on then. Get some sleep. First thing in the morning we'll go to the police, and file a report and let them photograph your injuries."

I shook my head. " No. No I don't want to do that."

" John Paul ..."

" No, mum. I can't. Okay? I can't."

" You can't or you won't?" She challenged.

" Both. It's nearly Christmas. I can't have him locked up and put away from his kids at Christmas. It's not so bad anyway, it's just my lip. I'll be fine in a day or two."

" Do you hear yourself, John Paul? Do you? You're making excuses for him. Ste's done nothing but hurt you since you've been with him. he's caused you nothing, but pain these last two years, and still you're defending him. Talking nonsense about ruining Christmas for him. Where's your head at? I don't understand this hold he has over you ." Her words were cutting.

"Is it because you're afraid to be alone? You know you aren't alone , right?" You've always got your family." she continued.

" Do I? Because it didn't seem that way a few weeks ago, when Nan was sick and in hospital, and you all turned your backs on me."

" John Paul. that was different... we were stressed...it wasn't that we had turned on you..."

" It was." I hissed at her.

" Maybe. We were too hard on you, but you've always had a bit of a blind spot when it comes to mean and love, and with Ste he has a reputation a history..."

" It's my life mum. Mine. You've got no right judging him or telling me who to love..."

" That's not what this is, John Paul, and you know it. I don't care how grown you think you are, you will always be my little boy. My baby, and when I see how he treats you...how he's got you sneaking out of your own home late at night looking for shelter..." her hand was gripping the handle on her mug so tightly I thought it would shatter.

With a deep breath she continued " Look at yourself, John Paul...go on and look in that mirror over there see what he's done to your face! go on!"

Mum was near tears and I was was feeling ashamed and guilty.

" All I want to do is forget the last few hours and go to bed." I whispered my response.

" And tomorrow? As much as you might want to you can't pretend this isn't happening, John Paul." she pleaded in a hushed tone.

" Tomorrow, I'm going to get up and bring Matty to nursery." I answered confidently.

" John Paul!" she gasped.

" Goodnight, mum." I said as firmly and as gently as I could manage before I turned from her and heard her mumbling after me.

* * *

I could hear mum slamming dishes about the kitchen as I grabbed an extra blanket from the coat closet, there was no way I was going to take my mum's bed, and settled onto the sofa. I lay awake for hours, confused, upset that mum was cross with me, and worrying about Ste. Eventually fatigue took over, and I fell into a restless sleep.

Sometime, during the night, I awoke to mum wiping my eyes.

" Mum?" I asked still half asleep, drowsy, and confused.

"It's alright darling. I'm here."

She maneuvered her arms around me and guided my head into her lap like I was a little boy.

"He can't hurt you now, love. You're safe." Apparently I had been having a nightmare and cried out in my sleep.

I felt her fingers tenderly brush my hair and stroke my cheek and I feel back to sleep.

* * *

Morning arrived, and I awoke to find I had majorly overslept. Everyone was awake and moving about including my son, who pounced on me with an excited " Yay daddy's up!"

This was our routine the next several weeks. I didn't leave the house much, instead I took over housekeeping for the family and spent by days entertaining Matthew.

By staying home, I was avoiding Ste and town gossip. Ste had contacted me once. He had not made any threats or begged me to return home. He had asked me if I wanted to come over and get things for me and Matthew. I'd gone over with Mercedes, Ste had been in the house, but he had stayed out of our way. Before we left, Mercedes couldn't resist giving him a bit of verbal. Ste had very calmly replied " Doesn't matter. I know he'll be back before long. Isn't that right John Paul."

I swallowed hard at his words. Mercedes took me by the shoulder and gently edged me towards the door. " Ignore him."

As we left, I turned towards Ste once more and he was watching me with a haunting grin.

* * *

The second week of December arrived and I built up the courage to go into town and do my Christmas shopping. I left Matthew with mum and nana with plans to meet them all for dinner.

I had finished my shopping for the day , had just rang mum, and was turning to head home when I ran smack into Ste.

Ste was sat on the bench looking something terrible and drinking.

I greeted him as cheerfully as I could and he responded with " What do you want?"

" I haven't seen you in a bit. I wanted to say hello." I added quietly " You were sat here all by your lonesome looking down, wanted to see you were alright."

Ste snickered. " That's a good one. JP. You take off in the middle of the night leave me for weeks, and now you expect me to believe you care for me."

I sat down beside him. " Because I left doesn't mean I don't care for you."

" Oh yeah? Why'd you do it then?" he took a swig from his bottle than sat the bottle down beside him and waited for me to answer.

I tapped the bottle with my finger. " Because of this. Because of how it makes you act towards me... I can't have that around...around Matty." I added sheepishly.

Ste scoffed before taking another drink. " Course not. You wouldn't want me ruining your precious angel."

" I'm his dad ,Ste..."

" That you are. Perfect , JP. Perfect father. You know you're lucky his mum doesn't give 2 shits about him. I tell you trying to be a father to your babies when the mum is a crazy cow is a right pain in the ass." He took a drink.

" What's going on Ste?"

" Like you don't know?"

I shook my head.

" Oh come on! Like you didn't know Amy's not letting me see the kids and is seeking full custody because she heard about our little spat or that somehow Sinead has heard about your black eye even though she's all the way in Aberdeen, and suddenly she's going to be real busy and has to think about coming for a visit."

" Ste I didn't. I didn't know. I didn't say anything. I haven't been to the police or anything."

He clapped his hands " And the award for best actor in a drama goes to John Paul McQueen for his role as confused and supportive husband."

" Honest, Ste I didn't..."

He waved me away. " Don't matter if it were you, your family , or Tony. I'm still alone on Christmas aren't I?"

I listen quietly as he ranted and raged for the next 10 minutes.

" Come back home with me." He said pausing to catch his breath and take a swill of alcohol.

"What?"

" Come back to mine. To ours."

I shook my head. " Ste, I can't."

He smashed the now empty bottle to the ground. " You can't or you won't?" he asked bitterly

" I can't. I promised. Mum and Matthew-" Ste rolled his eyes and interrupted me with a groan.

" Always the good son." He accused.

" I don't like breaking my promises especially to my son, and I'm not so sure me sleeping over is a good idea."

Ste scoffed. " Get over yourself John Paul. I'm not looking for a shag. I just don't want to be on my own tonight. Y' know?"

I didn't want him to be on his own either. He was in a bad way and there was no telling what he would do, and I had vowed , more than once, to care for him.

He was moaning now. " What am i going to do? " he asked and I wasn't sure if he was speaking to me, the air, or a nameless higher power. I did see him reach for another bottle.

I knew this routine well now. He would drink until he was out of alcohol and then he would call his dealer for a fix. I didn't want that. I couldn't be responsible for that.

Matthew was safe and happy with my mum and nan, and Ste needed me. There was no way I could forgive myself if something happened to him after I turned him down when he asked for help.

I reached for his hand stopping him from taking another drink. "You're not alone. Just give me a minute." I quickly rang my mum saying I would be late and apologizing and telling her a friend needed my help. Message sent , I took Ste by the hand and pulled him to his feet, dumping the remaining bottles into the trash as I did.

He kissed me with alcohol-laden breath. " You're an angel, Mr. McQueen. My Christmas Angel." he slurred and started to tip over. I steadied his feet with a smile, and prevented him from falling.

" Don't know about all that. Let's get you home, mate."

* * *

The night was spent caring for a sick and sad Ste, by early morning he had sobered enough to call his counselor and I escorted him there for support and waited with him until the appointment finished, and after went back home with him to make sure he ate. He begged me to stay, but I refused. I needed to get back to mine, but promised I would call him later in the day.

Once home , I took over caring for the kids so that Theresa could have a shower. Before she went up to the bath, Theresa warned me that Mum was angry with me, and it would be my best interest to avoid her. Heading my cousin's warning, I took the children to the park and for a treat.

When we returned home, my mum was waiting for us. I greeted her cheerfully, but she didn't smile not even at the kids, instead she tersely told Theresa to take the children outside.

Theresa obeyed. Alone with my mum, I nervously started in on a detailed account of my afternoon with the kids.

Mum said nothing about my day with the kids, but ordered me to sit down on the sofa, and I complied. After pacing back and forth for several moments she sat beside me.

" I'm not going to ask you where you were last night , because I know the answer, and I can't stand to hear you lie to me again. I'm only going to ask you one question, and I'm only going to ask you once." She paused briefly to run her hand through her hair and clear her throat, obviously trying to keep her emotions in check. " Why did you spend the night with him?"

She waited for me to answer. I thought carefully. I wanted to be honest. I wanted not to upset her. I wanted to be fair to me , and I felt terrible for breaking my promise to be home.

I finally spoke. " He was in a bad way last night. He just heard he wasn't going to see the kids for Christmas. He's got no one... not really... and I am his husband" I was rambling.

My mum took a deep breath and waited for me to stop babbling. " Good! Sounds like Amy and Sinead finally woke up. I never knew what those girls were thinking- "

" Was it you?"  
" What?"

"Was it you that told Amy and Sinead about what happened between me and Ste?"

" What if I did?"

" You had no right! Okay? What happens between us is personal and private and has nothing to do with Amy or Sinead, or the kids, or _you_! You had no right!"

" I didn't say a word , John Paul. But I absolutely had the right. When my son comes round to my house with half his face black and blue, his lip bleeding, and barely able to open his eye. I have the right to say whatever I want to whomever I want! I didn't day anything though, but maybe I should have. I'll tell you one thing, I'd like to shake the hand of the person that did because they deserve to know. He deserves it John Paul. He's a drunk and abusive, does nothing but destroy those who love him. He doesn't deserve to have the kids with him in Christmas. He deserves to spend the day wasting away in a jail cell."

" Don't say that mum."

" I will say it , John Paul because it's true. He's a waste and an asshole. here she started to cry " You and Matthew deserve so much better. You deserve someone who is crazy about you. Who'd never hurt you. Who's not involved in all this nonsense. For the life me I can't work out why you don't see that. I think it's my fault, never having a proper relationship when you were growing up, being a poor example to you. I'm sorry for that, but I never let a man beat me."

" What! No. mum you were great. I couldn't have asked for anything more as a kid. Things are different for lads anyway-"

She cut me off " No. No. Don't do that. Don't make excuses for him. No one man or woman deserves it. I'm sure you wouldn't want a man treating Matthew that way when he's older."

" Of course not!"

" Then John Paul-" I knew where she was leading.

" It's different, mum. It's different. It's not like I'm perfect eh? I've done my dirt."

She took a deep breath and swallowed. " I didn't want it to come to this , John Paul, but after last night I don't see any other way," she swallowed and covered her mouth as if she couldn't stand to speak the words on he tongue, " " You're going to have to make a choice. I can't have this back and forth. If you want to be with him, be with him. I can't have you coming here and then running back to him the first time he throws his dummy. I can't watch you like this-"

" Mum. Nothing happened last night! He just needed a friend to talk to , that's all. I am his husband - if he can't rely on me who can he rely on?"

She nodded. " Where is he now? Is he in rehab or some place doing something that makes me believe he wants to change."

I was silent.

" I thought so."

" He had one bad night."

" He always has a bad night. John Paul! He always has something. You are going to have to make a choice you are either with him or you aren't."

" Mum-"

" Think long and hard about it, John Paul, because whatever you decide is final."

* * *

I called Ste at half 8 that evening just to make certain he was okay, that he had made it through the rest of the day. I hadn't planned on telling him about my conversation with my mum, but he was able to work it out of me.

" I don't want to stand between you and your family, JP. " he said.

" You aren't."

" I am. Listen it's no secret they never liked me for you. I know how much family means to you. I don't want to ruin that for you."

" You haven't ruined anything."

" I don't want to either. Thank you for last night, for everything John Paul. Seriously, you're amazing. Don't worry about me. I've been on me own before. You should be with your family."

" You are my family."

Two days passed before I decided I was going to move back in with Ste. I gave Ste my conditions, he wasn't to drink, he was to attend counseling for his alcohol and anger problem, and I would help him find a way to see his kids again. He needed me , and I needed him.

My family was not happy. They let me know how disappointed they were, and my mum and nana both cried. I tried to console them, but wasn't allowed to. When I got back home with Ste, I sent a text to my mum, but her only reply was " You made your choice John Paul."

* * *

The days leading up to Christmas were miserable. I did my best to stay busy, decorate the house, wrap gifts, , and get into the spirit of the season. As much as I tried, my heart wasn't fully in it. I wanted to be with my family : mum, nana, the girls, and Ste and Matthew as well, but that wasn't a possibility.

Christmas came and by midday, I had not received a single phone call or text. I knew they were only doing what they thought best, and they had warned me, when I got back with Ste I was on my own.

I still felt betrayed, after all never once when they were seeing their bad boyfriends and dodgy partners did I disown them. I had always tolerated them. To make matters worse they were ignoring Matthews as well, not even a card for his birthday or Christmas, I think that hurt me more than anything else.

Other than the Christmas Tree incident, Ste had been good to me. The "incident " took place one evening when Ste and I had the crew over for a Christmas party. I thought it would be fun for us to decorate the tree together, and we did. I was in charge of the lights. The lights were old, and as I was checking them I got so excited the first strand was working I forgot to check the rest, when we got them on the tree we realized only one strand lit. Everybody had a good laugh,but Ste, who called me stupid in front of everyone.

He also mocked me for being keen on decorating every inch of our home, Ste had been really good to me, and understanding of me.

But other than those two things he had been amazing.

"What kind of family abandons their own son and brother at Christmas." Ste mused. " Tough love my arse. If they loved you they would be here with you and Matthew. Where are they now eh?"

He sat beside me on the sofa and put his arm around me. " I always hated they way they treated you."

" I know , but-"

" But what? I may not have been fond of them, but I never kept you from them. They don't like me, so they act like can they expect someone to ditch their own husband? Selfish the whole lot of them. You've done so much for them and they can't stand that you have someone in your life that makes you happy. They're just miserable, lonely, cows."

"Watch it! That's my family."

" Family or not they're idiots."

" Ste."

" Well I guess , I can thank them for granting my Christmas wish."

" What's that?"

" You all to myself, Mr. McQueen. I couldn't have had a happier Christmas than to spend it with my angel."

I rolled my eyes at him.

" I mean it, not just because I feel bad for you. Cross my heart. I love you. You are my word, my dream. come true I want to spend every second with you, and that's exactly what I intend to do in the new year."

Inwardly I cringed at the thought of being his world. I knew what he meant, and I was happy to give him the safety and security he longed for, but I couldn't help but wonder if the price of his love was too high. I didn't tell him that though, because I knew his heart was in the right place, and he wanted so badly to cheer me up, and he had been lovely to me and Matthew all day.

So instead I replied with a coy

" Is that so? You certain you won't get bored of my mug after a month or two and be looking into train tickets?"

" It is. I'd like to see you try and get me to do way I'll tire of you, and there's nothing and nobody in this world that will keep me from you." He then bent towards me and kissed me. " Merry Christmas, John Paul. I love you."

" I love you too, sweetheart."


	21. With The Support of Friends & Family

**This chapter contains a brief point of view switch at the beginning.**

Mark was stood outside his shop enjoying the sunshine , the unseasonable warmth was a nice break from the freezing rain that had fallen for nearly 2 weeks. As he enjoyed the sun, Mark acted as though he was busy washing the shop's windows, but in fact he was people watching, and keeping an ear out for local gossip.

Mr. and Mrs. Loveday had just whizzed by him deep in a heated exchange that seemed to be about their son, he turned his head from their direction, bent to dip his rag in the bucket, and when he lifted his head from ringing water from the rag, he noticed Mercedes McQueen from the corner of his eye.

Mark lifted his rag in greeting and called out " Hiya!"

Mercedes caught sight of him rolled her eyes , scoffed, and attempted to move around him without speaking, but Mark stepped in front of her.

" Do you mind moving out of my way. I don't want your filthy rag drippin' on my boots."

"Sorry about that. I didn't think you heard me, and I wanted to catch you."

Mercedes huffed again "Why so you can share more of your advice with me?"

Mark looked at her confused.

" Oh! Don't make like you don't know John Paul is back with Ste."

" I didn't. "

" Yeah well he 'is. Thanks to your lovely advice. We tried to be supportive as you said, but he keeps going right back to that alcoholic, husband beating, scally,"

" Oh." Mark's voice was barely audible and his brow furrowed.

" These things take time. Sometimes people like your brother, the victim, Try to leave many times before they are able to split for good. Have you talked to John Paul about why he went back?"

Mercedes scoffed. " No, and I can't say I really care either. He left are mum and nana heartbroken and tears to go be with that arsehole at Christmas. It's pretty clear what he thinks of us and our opinion."

" You mean you haven't spoken to him at all in nearly 2 weeks?"

"That's right."

" Mercedes-"

"Save it. Matt, Mick-Mark, whatever your name is. I won't have any judgment from you. we did what you said, and he went back to him- not once but twice,,so you'll have to forgive me if I ignore your advice from here on."

" It's Mark, and-"

" And we've known our John Paul far longer than you have. Only way he's going to come back is if we deal with him our way. If we convince him he's better off without him. Now if you excuse me I'm late for my hair appointment." Mercedes stepped to the side to move around Mark.

" You think you can convince him his life is terrible? You think if enough of you turn your back on him he'll have a revelation? You think he doesn't know? He knows. He knows Ste hits him. He knows Ste says horrible things to him- telling him that repeatedly , judging him and disowning him isn't going to help him at all. In fact in only makes him more dependent on Ste." Mark called after her.

Mercedes spun around and took a few steps back towards Mark.

"My brother is a grown man and if he wants to be stupid it's fine by me. I hope he enjoys his life with the arse."

" Ah! I forgot you know everything. Did you know when Ste's not beating him or telling him how worthless he is- he's in his ear telling him how he's the only one that understands him, the only one that really loves him, he's the only one who is there for him? Looks like he's right."

" Screw you. He knows where to find us."

" Where is he going to go the next time Ste decides to hurt him? And the time after that? And the time after that?" Where Mercedes because it sure as hell won't be you he turns to confide in ,for comfort."

" He still deserves the same amount of love and support now that he's gone back as he received when they were separated. In many ways he needs it more.

Mercedes raised her hand over her head in a crude gesture and stomped off.

Mark kicked his soap bucket, sending it toppling, he cursed to himself, grabbed the now empty bucket, and locked himself inside his store.

* * *

It was mid afternoon on my birthday, and I hadn't received a call or a text from a single family member or friend. I suppose I was a little silly to expect anything, my family had frozen me out and even Nancy had made her position clear. My conversation with Nancy after she had found out I had moved in with Ste again went like this:

"You don't need to apologize to me John Paul, You haven't done anything wrong - well except going back to him. You're not stupid John Paul ,so what is it? I didn't understand it when you got back with him the first time, actually I never understood why you were with him from the start, but I figured -love is strange and mysterious, but now I think you may have actually lost your mind. I mean the sex can't be that good. "

" Nance!"

" Sorry I'm just trying to work it out for myself. You know what you're an adult it's your relationship, but I'm telling you now I'm putting boundaries in place. I don't want to hear you whining about him week after week."

" Things are different this time, Nance. He's really put in the work."

" Like I said your business is your business, but I do hope things are as good as you say."

"they are."

"good."

It seemed as though I had been right, in the few weeks we had be reunited Ste had been lovely. I knew full well that he was great for long stretches of time before turning violent, but I felt this time was different. He had hit rock bottom, nearly lost his kids, I had spoken for him so he didn't lose complete custody of them, and I think he was grateful for that. In all honesty, I had expected him to flip that switch and he'd be back to kicking my ribs and leaving me with black eyes, but he hadn't, instead he had been really sweet and caring.

Ste had even changed his mind about allowing me to spend time with Mark and had heavily urged me to visit his store to " cheer me up" for my birthday.

I was reluctant, but at his persistence I agreed, and that was how I ended up in his store that afternoon. I had taken Matthew along with me, he was in absolute heaven playing with all the toys he had missed during the ban, and I took up residence on the sofa devouring book after book, eventually Matthew grew tired of the toys, joined me on the sofa, curled up beside me and slept.

My nose in a book and Matthew snoring, was how Mark found us. The shop had been busy with customers most of the afternoon, but now there was a lull, and Mark took the

opportunity to chat with me.

" Haven't seen you 'round here in ages."

I didn't bother with excuses or explanations instead I said " You've changed things a lot since last time."

Mark nodded. " Yeah the jewelry is pretty popular."

I nodded. I had looked over the necklaces, rings, and bracelets finding items that reminded me of all "my girls" I bought them too, maybe it was foolish, but I had to hope they'd eventually relent and speak to me again.

We made awkward conversation for a few minutes mostly about, weather, politics, and football before Mark asked ,

" How's Ste?"

" So you know I'm back with Ste." I asked surprised even though I shouldn't have been gossip traveled fast.

' I heard that."

" There good. Really good. We're actually going out tonight. He's treating me for my birthday."

" That's nice." His voice was cool , like he wanted to say more, but didn't want to offend me.

" Well come on then- what do you think?. Let's hear it. I'm an idiot."

" You're not an idiot."

" How about stupid ,or moron, or pathetic . Which one is it?"

" You're none of those things John Paul, no matter what anyone says to you."

" Well you might be the only one who doesn't think I'm an absolute waste for taking Ste back."

" I'm still worried about your safety . Yours and Matthew's safety being around Ste. I've known lads like him and they rarely ever change. They'll be good for a bit but… I want you two to be safe. But, ...but I know how hard it is to care about someone… to be in love with someone who maybe isn't the best for you."

" He wasn't always like this." He was a pretty decent bloke when we started out. Helped me through a lot of tough stuff. He wasn't perfect, but who is. Right? There were the drugs and the cheating, but he had a lot going on- he's had a really tough life. We split up for a bit, and he wanted me back when I didn't think anyone would want me at all. Things were great for a while, a long while, most of the time he's a good...it's just sometimes he snaps...I set him off. He's not a bad person, he's passionate, kind, caring, whatever he is he's 100% of that. I was shocked the first time he hit me. I don't know what I'd done… still don't I."

" You haven't done anything wrong, John Paul. The only thing you've done is fallen in love, and there's nothing wrong with that. You aren't the problem. The problem is the person you love hurts you, abuses you. You aren't responsible for that, and there's nothing you can do to change him."

You asked me before what I thought - well here it is: I think you're a decent guy. You were one of 2 people in this town when I go here that reached out to me,filled me in on who i could go to for what. You never treated me like an outsider. I think you're a good friend, and a wonderful dad. I think someone like you deserves to be with someone who loves and cares for you equally as much , and who's good to you 100% of the time."

" So you think I should leave him. Have never taken him back."

" I think you need to do what you feel is right. But whatever you decide, I'll always be your friend, if you need someone to listen to you or just a quiet space to clear your head, my door's always open. There's no getting rid of me- I'm annoying like that."

I would be eternally grateful to Mark for that, he was the first person to just listen to me. I could tell he was no fan of Ste, but he didn't judge me or call me names, he allowed me to talk, to express myself which meant a lot to me.

I stayed at Odds & Ends reading for another hour, before deciding it was time to make my exit. I needed to get myself ready for dinner with Ste.

As I slipped out the door, Mark waved to me saying " Happy birthday, John Paul. I hope you two have a wonderful night."

I smiled my thanks and opened the door, running right into Ste.

He didn't appear happy.

" Hiya." I greeted him.

" Hiya yourself." He answered curtly. I've been trying to reach you for hours what have you been doing?"

" Sorry" I fumbled for my phone, and saw that there were several missed messages from Ste.

" Put my phone on silence." I explained.

" This is where you were all afternoon?"

"Yeah. Yeah." still seeing he wasn't pleased I added " You said it would be alright. I did some shopping and got lost in the books." I raised my bags to show him my purchases he brushed them aside, mumbled "nerd" under his breath with a roll of his eyes.

" Whatever. I made dinner plans, so be ready at half 6."

His message delivered he was gone.

* * *

Half 6 came and went, and I stood outside nervously awaiting Ste's arrival. It was now 7 and my romantic, excited, and happy feelings had been replaced with worry. Where was he? Was he okay? We had only scheduled the sitter till 11, should I call her and tell her to expect us to be late?

I looked at my phone, no messages from Ste. 7:05, Ste still hasn't called and I decide against calling him again . Ten more minutes pass, and Ste finally calls me saying he's on his way. An hour and a half later he finally arrives.

He smells of a strange cologne, but I didn't question him, he did scold me for not being outside waiting for him as he requested.

" Held up at the restaurant?" I ask innocently.

" No actually. Ran into an old buddy of mine. He called me we met up for a round, and I lost track of time."

" Oh. " I called you."

" Yeah and? "

" Well you took his call and not mine-"

" What are you saying John Paul? I'm not a damn answering machine! What do you want from me? So what if I'm a little late? I'm here aren't I? "

" I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

" Damn right you shouldn't have. You've got no patience, JP. " He threw a bag at me. " Happy birthday."

I opened the plastic shopping bag, and found a book, a book I already owned and didn't enjoy.

" Thanks." I said gratefully and leaned over to kiss him.

" What? You don't like it?"

" No. "

" Well what is is? I can see from your ugly mug. You're not happy with it."

" Well . It's. It's just I've got this one and-"

" Shit!"

" No. It's okay. Ste. I like it. I really do,"

" Whatever. Where do you want to eat?"

"Anywhere is fine!"

" I asked you for a name of a goddamn place, John Paul! If you didn't want to go out for your birthday you shouldn't have planned this!" He shouted out me.

" I didn't." Let's go to that new Japanese place, I forget the name."

"We don't have time to play guessing games, besides it's too expensive and I don't really like Japanese."

I took a deep breath " Savina then? The Mexican place. You like Mexican right or that Italian place you took me before?"

" Too far, and we always have Italian."

" Okay then you pick."

" Why does everything have to be so difficult with you- eh? What part of you pick don't you understand? This is supposed to be your birthday dinner."

" You don't like anything I pick-"

" That's because you're picking stupid places because you're mad at me for being late."

I blinked back tears. " That's not true Ste."

" It isn't Japanese. A restaurant an hour's drive away?"

" Fine then. Let's just go to The Dog."

" The Dog are you kidding me?"

" It's close. It's got food we like-"

" You really are an idiot."

" You asked me to pick Ste, so I picked."

" You really want fish and chips for your birthday dinner?"

" I really want to be with you. I don't care what I eat."

" Fine let's go to Lorenzo's! Happy ?"

20 minutes later we were sat at a table in Lorenzo's a Ste passed me a menu.

"What do you want to eat, birthday boy?" he demanded.

" Chicken ravioli sounds good, maybe with a nice Chianti. How 'bout you?"

" I'll pass nothing looks good"

" If you don't like anything , on the menu, let's just go. I was serious about The Dog. We can even do The Hutch if you want-"

" Don't start John Paul."

" I'm not. We're supposed to be having dinner together, and if you're not going to order. I don't want to eat all by myself."

"That hasn't stopped you before." he mumbled under his breath.

" Pardon?"

" I said I'm not hungry. Can you not make a goddamn scene for once and just order!" he was shouting, and I was certain everyone was looking. I decided not to order, Instead, I sat down my menu, calmly stood up, and walked out of Lorenzo's, hoping the tears I felt forming in my eyes actually weren't falling, and that no one was staring at us.

Ste followed me. " Why the hell are you acting like a crazy person?" he screamed at me.

" I'm sorry. " I said calmly. " Just take me home. Let's just go home."

* * *

At home we sit on the couch. I'm still angry, and Ste pretends not to notice as he chooses a movie off Netflix for us to watch, he teasingly calls me an " ungrateful bum" and tells me to go make him a sammie because he's hungry.

When I get back from the kitchen, and hand him the sandwich, he slips his arm around my shoulder and kisses me. " It's a good thing I love you, babe. No one else would put up with your mood swings and strops." He laughs. and I turn away from him.

He turns me back to him. " Nobody else will love you like I do, and nobody else would love me the way you do. We're made for each other. I love you babe. " Ste kisses me and I can feel my anger slowly start to melt away until I feel him shove my head down on his "member"

" I know why you were acting like such a princess earlier. This is what you wanted for your present, didn't you? Why didn't you just say so, You know I'd do anything for you."

When he's finished , he tells me happy birthday and that I should go get Matthew from the sitter's because it's getting late. I get up to go rinse my mouth, Ste grabs me by the arm, says nothing and lets me go, but as I turn to walk away he pinches my bottom.

* * *

It takes a little time to get Matthew to sleep when we return. He's tired, but he's excited to see me and show me the card he drew me for my birthday, it's football playing penguin, with a birthday crown- surrounded by lines and squiggles he says are kisses- total nonsense but I love it.

Once Matthews settled I decide to stay up in read on the sofa, after a half hour Ste comes down and sits beside me. Ste is apologetic and humorous we stay up talking and laughing for an hour or so before he takes me by the hand and leads us upstairs.

We had sex, and started taking a shower of nowhere, Ste hit me across the face. I fell, knocking over shampoo bottles. Just like that, within seconds, he had gone from telling me he loved me to smacking me. I don't remember what I said. I don't think I said anything. I think I may have kissed him- the only thing I remember clearly,is his hand coming at my face. I tried to walk out of the shower, and he grabbed me by my hair, and yelled at me for forgetting I wasn't allowed to leave any place without his permission, he was still angry about my visit to Odds & Ends, even though he had told me to go. Now it all made sense his behavior at dinner, all evening long.

Just as quickly as the attack started it ended with him letting go of my hair and shoving me hard. I fell out of the shower to the floor and slammed into the tile. As I attempted to sit upright I felt a sharp, searing pain shoot from my hand to my shoulder.

* * *

I had to beg Ste to bring me to A&E . We came home early in the morning after I was treated for a bruised head and hip, a chipped tooth,sprained wrist, and split lip that required stitches. The doctor that had seen me believed my story of slipping in the shower without question , and Ste had played the role of concerned husband flawlessly all while tending to Matthew. Once at home it was a different story, it was clear he resented needing to look after me and care for Matthew.

He left me on my own refusing to take time off work, and I had an uphill battle to care for an active toddler and keep up with housework while sore , bruised, and broken. I wish I had someone to call and give me a hand, but when I made the choice to move back in with Ste I had been abandoned by my friends and my family.

I was alone in more ways than one.


	22. From This Day Forward

Note: I apologize for the delay in updating, life happened. Thank you for your patience. I appreciate all your reviews and praise, this was my first attempt at fanfic and it was daunting. Thank you for reading!

* * *

Matthew was finally sleeping after a long night and even longer morning. I dropped his book of Padding Bear stories and absent mindedly looked through the photo album in my lap. Matty loved looking at pictures, of "the girls" Mum, Nan, and my sisters and cousins. The photos calmed him and he loved hearing the stories I told him of growing up.

I looked up from the photo book and into the mirror that was facing us. I was bruised and mouth was still swollen from the incident. Ste, knowing I was in pain from the shower incident, had forced my mouth open to have oral sex, said he was tired of waiting for me to feel better, and two weeks was long enough- I needed to give him something besides a brew. That humiliation hadn't been enough. He'd smacked me around too, laughed at my tears.

I winced as I trailed my fingers over my jaw, my face completely unlike the man in the photos. I felt- I didn't know what I felt. Broken- I suppose.

That's what I was bits and pieces odds and ends of who I used to be. I didn't recognize myself. Who had I become? Who was I? No family. No friends. No job. Nothing. Scared to speak. Scared to laugh. Constantly on egg shells.

Matthew wiggled against me in his sleep, the toy train he held in his hand falling to the floor.

That's who I was. I was Matthew " dad. He needed me, and no one was going to take me from him. No one was going to hurt him.

I put Matthew to bed and went to the hall closet. After stuffing a few essentials into my bag I wrapped Matthew, still sleeping, in his blanket and we left.

* * *

"It is okay to be hurt, it is okay to be angry, it is okay to be numb. It is okay to be confused. It is okay to be scared. It is okay to still love him, It is okay to be unsure and have no idea what to do. It's okay not to be certain you are doing the right thing." Mark whispered as he handed me a tissue.

I wiped my eyes and swallowed hard. " I'm not though am I ?' "I don't care about what happens to me, but I can't let him hurt my son right? I can't let Matty grow up that way. I can't do that. That's it. I'm not brave. I'm not a fighter. I still love him. I do, and I wish I could say that I didn't and that I know I deserve better but I can't. I feel so stupid and ashamed of myself...I-I've let everyone down… I"

Mark knelt down beside me " Listen to me John Paul, You've got your family, and me, and your little boy. You're brave. John Paul and a fighter. You're here. He did his best to break you and he couldn't do it. He failed. You are here. You are alive, and that says something. That says a lot about you.

You may not know it or feel it now, but you are so incredibly strong, and what you are doing now for your boy and for yourself is one of the bravest, most courageous things anyone could ever do."

I sat wiping furiously at my eyes, not wanting my son to see me cry- my efforts were mostly in vain I did not know if I could do it all again police statements, court and giving evidence.

Mark offered me a kleenex and asked if I was ready.I nodded but paused before making any movement. He waited on me, and finally, after moments had ticked by on the large grandfather clock above us, I took the phone from his hands.

* * *

Matthew slept snuggled against my side. I nervously waited for the sound of the train pulling from the station.

After a few moments, I moved my gaze from the sunlit window to the small yellow package beside me. Mark had handed to me before we left.

On the back was a post-it with a note scribbled in Mark's hand " Something for you on your journey" it read.

Removing the note and opening the envelope I found a leather-bound journal and a fountain pen. I discovered the first page had been filled in for me it read:

 _ **Invictus**_

 _BY_ _WILLIAM ERNEST HENLEY_

 _Out of the night that covers me,_

 _Black as the pit from pole to pole,_

 _I thank whatever gods may be_

 _For my unconquerable soul._

 _In the fell clutch of circumstance_

 _I have not winced nor cried aloud._

 _Under the bludgeonings of chance_

 _My head is bloody, but unbowed._

 _Beyond this place of wrath and tears_

 _Looms but the Horror of the shade,_

 _And yet the menace of the years_

 _Finds and shall find me unafraid._

 _It matters not how strait the gate,_

 _How charged with punishments the scroll,_

 _I am the master of my fate,_

 _I am the captain of my soul._

The train jolted to a start, and I closed my eyes settled back into our seat as Matthew and I headed towards our new life, and for the first time in a long time, I breathed.


End file.
